A Little Humor

Monty Python's "Use of the Word "F*&k"

(Warning! Potentially Offensive Language)

Top Signs You're a Bad Airman

The Weirdest 911 Call Ever Made
(Warning! Potentially Offensive Language)

Bizzaro Factoids

Proper Speech
(Warning! Potentially Offensive Language)

Air Force's Ten Most Dangerous Statements

Four Branches of Service

Chicks and Girls

Plastic Surgery Alternatives

Great Women's Quotes - Just for Fun!

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Monty Python's "Use of the Word F*&k"

A classic reminder of it's various nuances... Enjoy it here!

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Top Signs You're a Bad Airman

You think CDC stands for Complete in a Decade Course.
You consider the Government Visa an early-out program.
Your flight chief issues you a signature stamp for your upcoming Article 15's.
Your commander's doormat has your name sewn under "Welcome".
Your reason for showing up late is that Mickey Mouse's hands looked about the same length.
You usually check your mail at the First Sergeant's office.
You affectionately refer to your BDU's as pajamas.
The words VOLUME ONE are written on your UIF, the UnFavorable Information File.
Your reporting official calls the legal office for help in writing your EPR.
The people at your retirement rehearsal simply wave good-bye.
You think under-21 alcohol prohibition is a drinking game.
You're taken off the Weight Management Program because you have a waiver from Hostess.
You think the Recall roster is more difficult than the periodic table of elements in chemistry.
You search the back cover of the PFE for the DWI ribbon.
You're ecstatic because you haven't heard any rumors lately better than the ones about you.
The Security Police have a code name for your dorm room.
Your case file is used Air Force-wide to train First Sergeants and Commanders.
The Legal Office uses you as a benchmark for discharge actions.
You know more about completing Article 15 paperwork than your First Sergeant.
BMTS is considered using you as a guest speaker to scare recruits straight.
When other people on base get in trouble, they compare their case to yours to receive lighter punishment.
You have reserved parking at the Correctional Custody facility.
You carry extra "certified true" finger print copies to speed-up processing.
You call your First Sergeant late at night so often that you can carry on a conversation with his wife or kids until he's available to come to the phone.
Jerry Springer won't have your type on his show.
You consider new commanders a short-term problem.
You've been promoted 6 times and you're still an SrA.
Your stripes are velcroed on - saves time and eliminates that nasty halo effect.
You've been the squadron's lowest ranking airman on 4 separate occasions during the past three years.
If you've been good for the whole month, your supervisor and First Sergeant get a three-day pass.
You're happy the Air Force came out with the new Nations Bank Visa Card because you had reached your credit limit on the Government American Express.
Air Force Aid won't return your calls.
The Security Police named a drug dog after you.
The Correctional Custody staff bought you a Christmas gift to ensure you'd get one this year.
Your goal is to one day attend the prestigious Airman Leadership School provided you stay in the service thatlong.
You're hoping to get a basic Good Conduct Medal as a going-away; even if it's only a gag gift.
You're concerned that the excessive white space on your referral EPR might hurt your promotion opportunity.
You don't know jack about your primary AFSC, but have gotten so good with MPF special actions casework that you're considering cross-training.
Your unit tried to trade you for a BBQ grill until the legal office got involved.
You've helped eliminate a bunch of the legal loopholes involving DWI cases.
BONUS: The SP's had to get a legal finding to see if you could be charged with being terminally stupid.

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The Weirdest 911 Call Ever Made

This is a .wav file that's been passed around, but was just too good to pass up! Check it out! To Top

Bizarro Factoids

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes - when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to test Telex/TWX communications)
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. (Yikes!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super Bowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

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Proper Speech

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without the risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO:

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: Do you want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

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Air Force's Ten Most Dangerous Statements

The ten most dangerous statements made in the United States Air Force:

1. An Airman saying, "I learned this in basic training..."
2. An NCO saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A Major saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. A Lt Col saying, "I could care less about getting promoted..."
6. A Senior Master Sergeant saying, "When I'm the Chief..."
7. A Colonel saying, "I'm considering reorganizing..."
8. A General Officer saying, "I have an idea..."
9. An Air Staffer saying, "This time it's cop proof..."
10. And a Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

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Four Branches of Service

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

HAIRCUTS:
Marines - heads will be shaved.
Army - flattops for all recruits.
Navy - no haircut standard.
Air Force - complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

TRAINING HOURS:
Marines - rise at 0500, train until 2000.
Army - rise at 0600, train until 1900.
Navy - rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.
Air Force - rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

MEALS:
Marines - Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.
Army - one hot meal, 2 MRE's.
Navy - 3 hot meals.
Air Force - catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

LEAVE and LIBERTY:
Marines - none.
Army - 4 hours a week.
Navy - 2 days a week.
Air Force - for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

PROTOCOL:
Marines - will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt. Smith).
Army - will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel Sarge.
Navy - will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.
Air Force - all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:
Marines - medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.
Army - medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.
Navy - will have ship's engineers make medals for them as needed.
Air Force - will be issued all medals upon entry, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:
Marines - work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.
Army - will wear it anytime, anywhere.
Navy - will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to your sailors.
Air Force - will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and grey service chevrons and nametags on them.

CAREER FIELDS:
Marines - all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.
Army - doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.
Navy - nobody knows. Navy is still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.
Air Force - every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

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Chicks and Girls

A friend of mine describes the difference between a "chick" and a "girl" as this: "A chick is female who will drop her pants behind the nearest bush to take a leak. A girl is a female who will drive around for HOURS looking for a bathroom."

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Plastic Surgery Alternatives

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no," the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

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