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| ARCHIVES This is where you get to ask anything about anything. I don't care what you want or need to know - I'm here to help. All you have to do to Ask Uncle Gutsy is email me your question by clicking any of the links that say Ask Uncle Gutsy. |
| July 10th from Miranda Why do people want their answers from you? What experience do you have to base these answers on? Well, Miranda, even though at the tender age of 31 and 11 months I have had dozens of "normal" peoples' life experience, I use my link to the Powers That Be - my crystal gut - to obtain any guidance that would influence society. And I don't take this gift (or some say "burden") lightly. Oh no. I want the world to be a harmonius place for all Gods' children to live and commute with only minimal and absolutely necessary violence - like when smart-ass punk teenagers talk in a movie 2 rows behind me, or banks. All banks. June 29th from Andrew How come there's a sun? Why's a flower? Why's a tree? Why are the clouds so high? How come they're in the sky? Why's a tree? Why's a person just like me? Who is me? Well Andrew, sounds to me like you have remembered an old Christian song from TV many years gone. Good for you. I will try to give you my interpretation of these things, even though they may not correspond with what is said in the Bible. Stiff shit. There is a sun so the sexy tourist sluts can tan themselves adequately and cheaply at the beach. There are flowers to get a man out of the doghouse when he says his wifes' / girlfriends' arse looks big in those jeans. There are trees so people can hide when playing paintball. The clouds are so high as they are full of the smoke that have come from the squillions of bongs around the world. They are in the sky as smoke rises. I already told you what trees are for - don't make me tell you again. There's a person just like you to be the butt of all jokes, and to get beat up by the cool kids for your lunch money or your new Nikes - depending on your suburb. You are a number. May 9th from Andrew (different Andrew to the above Andrew) If you are in some parallel universe at any time, and you happen to run into yourself, then happen to have sex with yourself, is it a) masturbation, b) homosexuality or c) incest? Well, Andrew, this topic has fictionally been dealt with by Dr Jean-Claude Van Damme in the Academy Award nominated Time Cop and more recently by Jet Li in The One. Both dealt with the fact that if you touched your opposing self, it would cause both of you a grisly death. However, it would be worth a go as it sounds like the only way you could suck your own dick without circusfolk flexibilty. May 2nd from Mark Why are SRA (State Rail Authority) so difficult to understand and riddled with ambiguity? Well, Mark, I have chosen this time to leak to you and the general public a previously unknown secret about the SRA. Those messages are in fact code for an alien race known as the Skwaabaks - who are located somewhere in and around Puncbowl - and are intermittently dispersed among the public to see if anyone indeed can clearly make out what they are saying. The security cameras are installed at stations to alert the Skwaabak of those who have broken the code so they can be spotted and trained in their ways. Much like that kid in the Disney movie "The Last Starfighter". And sort of like Men In Black too I guess, but to a lesser extent. November 13th from James People say I shouldn't be shoving carrots up my rectum while I listen to showtunes. Why are so many people against showtunes? Well, James, it is a fear of the unknown, as well as the fact that regardless of the message of each song, it is sung semi-operatic by folks always smiling wearing too much makeup who don't look at each other when talking, which is plain rude. I am thinking of having my poseable thumbs removed so that people remember me after we have shaken hands at a party. Is this a good idea? No. November 4th 2001 from Sarah I'm a size 8 chick but have always admired your fine figure. Any hints on how to get a legendary gut of my own? Well, Sarah, if you want to be good at anything, you can't be disheartened and give up. To get your own gutTM it is fairly basic. Beer and no vegetables. Although, the females do have a distinct advantage over us guys with regards to the gut. I've seen size 8's as young as 16 root around like hussies, get knocked up, pop out the kid and keep the flab that once protected their unborn child and parade it around like a trophy, or as evidence to Social Security that the child they are claiming welfare for is their own. August 24th 2001 from Abe I am currently unemployed, but DVD's cost money. Sedatives cost money. Mobile phones cost money. What should I do? Well Abe, I think you should do what makes you happy. You're only young, and so while you are kicking back doing not much, still indulge in lifes' sweet pleasures - and worry about paying all that shit back when that rich 40 year old divorcee business woman from China takes you on as her "Sydanee" plaything, and get her to pay for it all. She will, because she can. How do I get a bar job if I have no prior experience? Son, if you can't pour a beer after watching it being done as many times as you have, then you don't deserve to work in a bar. And if they want you to make cocktails, offer to have sex with them instead. Because you can. Is it true that chicks fart when you blast them in the ass? Charming. Abraham - I would not know. I believe that the ass is like a lobster trap - designed for one way traffic. If I were God I would make the inside of the ass like fish scales - smooth one way, and would cut you to ribbons going the other way, so as to be rendered useless except for what it was intended. Here endeth the lesson. July 18th 2001 - from Tim What pick-up lines actually work? None. Females have decided if they want to abuse your mind and body after a glance at your butt, wallet, and perhaps the cut of your jib. Anything you say to them is inconsequential as they have already decided whether you will be the subject of their affection - either permanently or temporarily - by the time you work up the courage to talk to them. So say anything. I suggest - "Hi. Could you give me some money for a kebab?" April 30th 2001- from Chantele Why do dogs have cold noses? Well, Chantele, it is to provide an instant thrill to other dogs when it is thrust up their butts - hence beginning dog foreplay. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked? It will always have a shell unless it is dared by its' mates to do a nude run. If Jimmy cracked corn and no-one cared, why did he do it? He did it because he had A.D.D (attention deficiency disorder) and had skipped his pills that day, making him a terror in the classroom I can tell you. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? It is actually considered a favour as they are not only bludging the dole off the government under all of their "names" and wasting our tax money, they are also wasting space and air and are therefore considered the weakest link. Goodbye. |