What's up with Uranus!?
The New Bob World Guardian, PO Box OU812, Septic City, New Bob
December 29, 2002
Abdul's Cheep Gas &
Impulse Item Emporium
Flag at Half Mast
"Hey, Abdul! Yore flag's at half mast!"
At first Abdul looked down to zip up, but then, wiping a tear from his eye, said to the customer, "Our industry lose grate man. We missing him very much. That'll be $1.50 for the Budweiser key chain." The customer shook his head, "Sorry to hyar that, Abdul."
Abdul celebrates his 15th year in bidness.
Abdul was referring to the passing of impulse item king, Russell Berrie. "Over nearly four decades, Berrie offered the latest impulse item gifts, which have included coffee mugs, various types of greeting cards, kitchen magnets, candles, picture frames and perennially popular stuffed animals, along with trolls." says the Los Angeles Times.
Starting a new life
Abdul was forced to fleece his homeland shortly after the news broke of him running a floating crap game. A part-time vacuum cleaner salesman at the time, Abdul became involved in gambling and racketeering over the years until one day he scooped up his ill gotten gains, shoved them into his turban and smuggled them with him into the US under a student visa program.
Once safely in the US, he praised his adopted country for its freedom. Then he bought out small mom-and-pop grocery stores in poverty stricken neighborhoods. With gubmint guaranteed loans, he converted them into the premier liquor and impulse item chain in the region.
Abdul's holiday decorations provide a festive atmosphere!
Success and Family
Like the typical American success story, Abdul will be celebrating record profits this New Year, having bin cleared of accusations of buying bootleg whiskey and spiking his gas storage tanks with gasohol.
But, as Abdul nose, holidays are really all about family. He recently had 18 of his closest relatives shipped in to staff his other stores. The employees he laid off were naturally disappointed at losing their jobs just before Christmas, but Abdul is quick to point out that he distributed free Wiggly(R) pens and beef jerky to all.
Abdul generously passes out free Mister Wiggly(R) pens, beef jerky and pink slips to employees. Some beef jerky was later exchanged for nekkid lady keychains when some disgruntled employees later got sick. They pointed out that some had expired in 1997.
Just another success story to warm the heart during the holidays.
A historical preservationist at heart, Abdul leaves this 87-cents per gallon sign up by the road. "I try to get listing on Historical Register, butt in meen time it bring in bidness, Abdul smiles.
"Thank you. Come again," Abdul replied automatically as I left his store.
God bless Abdul, and God bless America.
What's up with Uranus!?