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The New Bob World Guardian, PO Box OU812, Septic City, New Bob
Wensdee, August 14, 2002
* * CLASSIFIED ADS * *
HEP WANTED
Genyus or hard labor -- we got the job fer yew!
BASS BOAT OWNER / OPERATOR (M/F)
Attention Wimmen! This position requires more looks than brains!!
* Recently fell asleep at the switch and got farred?
* Stole money frum the till and got farred?
* Got caught with a hip flask at work or jest plane lazy?
Friends, does this sound fermiliar? If so, yew may bee suffering from Underachievers Syndrome, in which case a soft gubmint job with the Grate State of New Bob mite bee jest the place fer yew! The success full cannidate will bee able to recognize grunts and hand signals and will have the latest model bass boat and motor free and clear. Please send resume, six dollers and pichur of boat and motor.
AA - EOE - LSMFT
SUPER CHIEF OF STAFF
Presteegus, high-visibility gubmint job
After the Tar & Feathers Party romps th'u the election (leaving the Idjit with his head a spinning), ire new and improoved administration will bee lookin fer a Super Chief of Staff. This wood bee one of them fellers at the top that spends all his time traveling from cocktail party to cocktail party, jet setting all over the county with yores truly in the Bass Boat Owner/Operator's privately-owned insured bass boat. This ain't no flunky position, so you flunkies need not apply (See "Super Chief's Body Guard" position below.) Please send six dollers and pichur of fishing license.
AA - EOE - LSMFT
SUPER CHIEF'S BODY GUARD - GRADE 3
Entry-level, flunky-type job.
As the Super Chief of Staff travels around, he will bee in constant danger of having that bass boat stole raht out from under his very nose. To facilitate in this kind of activity, the Grate State of New Bob is looking fer some little bitty feller that will stand "guard" by the bass boat at all times. The ideal cannidate wood bee able to locate and grind off serial numbers and have access to a printing press. Prefer cannidate hoo is a leetle on the short and stubby side, so he kin hide in the bushes and blend in with lawn furniture. Applicants hoo are shiftless and have a quirky personality are encouraged to apply. Formal training not required, but jail time a plus. But (and this is a big butt) must like to bait hooks and clean fish. Send resume and a case of Tom's Redskin Peanuts.
AA - EOE - LSMFT
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