You couldn’t figure out why once a month you inevitably felt compelled to dump $1,000 to the house at the blackjack table. You didn’t understand why some mornings you woke up in your car shivering and barely able to talk because you did so much coke the night before while pounding beer for hours. You see the cocaine numbed your senses to the alcohol so you didn’t know it was time to quit drinking. The cocktail waitresses wanted your money and she wasn’t about to cut you off. And now you’re paying for it.
You’ve been pro for nearly half a year but for some reason you’re still playing $3-$6 limit hold’em or $5-$10 if the game is good. You’re stuck in Atlantic City, NJ (otherwise known as the Armpit of America) while ESPN films the World Series of Poker across the country. Yes, the World Series of Poker… that tournament you were supposed to be playing in soon. So who exactly are you playing against tonight?
Well, there was this one meathead at the table that you didn’t like. You check-raised him on the river when you hit the nut flush and felt proud of yourself for picking up that extra $6. He lost the rest of his money 30 minutes later when an old lady sucked out on him on the river with a flush with Queen and Four of Hearts. “Queen-4?” he says… “They were suited” she replies… it’s probably the 5th time you’ve heard someone say that tonight. You die a little inside every time you hear that line…. He got up and left the table… most likely to go fuck his girlfriend that looked strikingly similar to Miss Ohio in the beauty pageant you saw on TV last week. Yep, you sure got him.
Speaking of girls, you’ve got a really nice hotel room this week. It’s too bad you’re sharing the room with your drunken buddy that threw away a months rent at the craps table and now he’s probably asleep and snoring loudly because he always sleeps on his back. It’s not a good sign that you know that.
There’s one douche bag sitting at the table wearing dark sunglasses like it’s going to help him. You chuckle when he bets on a pair of aces with a five kicker. It’s a good thing you were playing Ace-Jack and have him licked. Yep, you feel pretty damn good about yourself until he starts talking about his season ticket package to the Philadelphia Eagles games. He even rubs salt in the wound when he mentions that he’s going to miss the first game because his wife is insistent that they go to some festival in the Cayman Islands the first week of September.
You get into a raising war with a drummer from an indie-rock band and take down a huge pot when he realizes he doesn’t actually have the straight. He seems pretty upset for about 10 seconds. He gets over it though when he realizes he’ll be in Arizona and Texas next week giving concerts and partying like… well, a rock star.
This one idiot sits down and plays every single hand. Doesn’t fold once. He manages to lose about $200 in less than an hour before he gets up with his tail tucked between his legs. It’s okay though because his company has a great dental plan for its employees. He can afford to pay for his kid’s braces. Your kids are going to have fucked up teeth.
There’s this grouchy guy at the table always mumbling to himself and frequently berating the dealer. He plays mostly a tight, solid game. You notice he’s a little prone to tilt though when things start going wrong. It’s probably because he hasn’t gotten laid by a remotely attractive girl in 6 years. There aren’t a lot of single girls floating around the card room.
