(Faure - "Pavane")
Each section is marked with a line of asterixes so that you can jump to the section you may want to in the future.
Lets start by talking about the flashbacks. As you will know, flashbacks can occur at any moment. They can be triggered by something you read, or watched on TV, or heard on the radio etc., but they can also come for no apparent reason just when you don't particularly want them. The only way that is
effective in dealing with flashbacks is to face them and let them run their course. Try not to push them back or block them. They will only come back again and it will be worse and harder to deal with the next time. This is not easy, I know. I have done this and it worked. Although I am 'healed' they still come. The memories will never go, but they are a lot easier to deal with now.
The way that people can face the flashbacks and be healed is different. Nobody is completely the same. Just like everything else people may suggest, give them a try one by one and go with what works best.
This is what I suggest to kids I help at a voluntary organisation, and those who have let me know how they are getting along with it, have said that it helps.
In order to be able to deal with them, you need to start by doing a little planning.
1. Remember to try and remain calm when you are having flashbacks.
2. You need to create a 'safe place'
3. You need to plan how you are going to use this 'safe place'
4. Practice for when you need to put the plan into action.
Trying to remain calm - My plan (the only plan that anyone I know can think of)
Remember that what you are feeling, seeing, hearing, maybe tasting or smelling, isn't really happening at this moment. Tell yourself, and keep telling yourself that. Breathe deeply and slowly and hopefully you should have no problems remaining as calm as possible.
A 'safe place' is somewhere you can go, or think of, where you can lay down and feel very safe when the needs arise. It may be your bathroom, living room, kitchen, anywhere. I does not have to be anywhere in the house. It may be a place outdoors or an imaginary place. A place you can create yourself in your mind.
I find an imaginary beach scene a very safe place for me.
Let's say your safe place is outdoors or imaginary. The thing is you will want to get to that place and lay as comfortable as possible. If it is imaginary or will take a while to get there, ideally you need to go somewhere in the home, like your bedroom where you can lock the door or something so you *know* that no-one is going to be able to come in and attack you.
If you are in a public place and it may take you a while to get home or to your safe outdoor place, you may want to think of a way to deal with this situation in case this arises. It may sound daunting, but it is straight forward.
As you may not be able to, or you may feel uncomfortable laying where you are, go to the nearest place where you can sit down. It may not be your ideal safe place, but it is the safest place you can be. If you are driving, pull over where you can and turn of the engine and just remain there in the car with the seat leant back. Lock the doors if you feel you need to. Instead of being laid down, do the following in the most comfortable position you can.
From now on, you are safe. Just remind yourself of that if you need to. The rest of what I suggest may need practicing to get right, but myself and a fair few people I know have found my way effective. Practice it as much as possible whilst you are free of flashbacks and hopefully you should have no problems. After a while you may not need to do this, and all you have to do
is sit down and let it run.
Lay down, make yourself comfortable as possible and close your eyes. If you are not in our 'safe place' clear your mind as much as possible without blocking the flashbacks and picture yourself there.
Let the flashback run it's course for as long as you can bear it. I don't mean as soon as you feel upset, you need to feel the emotions coming out. That is why your brain and body is doing this to you. Give it as long as REALLY possible and see if it passes. It may pass quickly, or it may take a little longer. Once it has passed, you can either reflect on your flashback (explainaition of what I mean is later) or go through my relaxation technique first. If it doesn't pass and you REALLY have had enough, go through my relaxation technique. Then reflect on what happened.
My relaxation technique - the parts marked at the beginning and end with a **, adapt them to suit your safe place
You may want to read this out onto a cassette tape or something as it may help you to do this better.
*** Lets say your 'safe place' is the same as mine (an imaginary beach scene). If you have cassette tapes or CD's of ocean waves, or dolphin/whale song, you may like to play that whilst going through this routine. CD is brilliant, because you can set the player to automatically replay the same track when it is finished, but it is not essential. ***
Remain in your comfortable position with your eyes closed and tense all your muscles in your body as much as you can, scrunching your hands into tight fists and curling your toes under as much as possible.
Hold them there for a moment and feel the tension.
Slowly release your muscles one by one from head to toe, feeling your muscles relax and your body becoming very floppy.
If like mine, your safe place is a beach, (mine is imaginary, so I would have to imagine the following), remain floppy and relaxed and listen to the CD or cassette if you have it playing. Feel the sun beating on you, warming you up. Smell the salt in the air from the waves coming in.
Just keep the image and any associated sounds, tastes, smells and feelings running through you for a while and remain relaxed for a few minutes.
You have just done something which takes a lot of strength which I know you have, or you would not be here reading this e-mail. You are fed up with these flashbacks and you hate them. You want to be able to deal with them, and you are determined not to let them beat you. It is not a quick fix to these flashbacks. You will get more flashbacks, but you know what to expect now and how to deal with it. It MAY get harder sometimes than other times, but that can be expected. In my experience and my belief is that the flashbacks come in chunks because it is easier to handle than all at once. The first series of flashbacks prepare you for the next series and so on. In the end, you will remember, if you haven't already, all that happened to you, and you will not have any new flashbacks, just the same ones. Remember though that they will become easier to deal with. You dealt with them once, and you will deal with them again.
If you ended up bailing out by relaxing because it became too much, don't worry about it. You still have a lot of strength in you which you showed by having a good go at what I have suggested. Keep trying for a good while. As I say, things tend to improve when you have practiced and tried a fair few times. If you are unlucky to find things are not improving, then you need to go back to the drawing board and work another way out.
Above all, please try not to let the flashbacks beat you.
This is what you need to ask yourself now. You may want to keep a journal of all your flashbacks and list these questions and your answers.
* What did you see?
* What did you hear?
* What was you feeling?
* What did you smell?
* What was happening? (Who was doing what?)
(You may feel that you should have been able to stop what was happening, but could you REALLY have stopped it?)
* Was anything said as to what would have happened if you stopped it?
* Was anything said as to what would have happened if you told anyone?
Put as much detail in there as you can, because then you may be able to link them up and build the full story. Safely read through EVERYTHING you have written about your flashbacks. You may pick something up through your notes now which you didn't when you was being abused. You'll know what I mean when you do. You probably missed it through having to deal with the situation at the time.
Don't try and force your mind to recall what happened. It will give you more, if there is more, when it is time to. Let your mind control how much you are told, then what you have experienced in your flashbacks are not your imagination. How can you imagine yourself being abused by someone who never harmed you at all? Always remember above everything else, that NOTHING that happened was your fault. Abuse is always the abusers fault, not the other way round.
(Faure - "Pavane")