If you feel you have lost the capacity to connect to the world and to your loved ones, as a result of the trauma you have experienced, you can feel very lonely and isolated. As a result of your experience the world feels numb, cold and alien - it becomes a place where you survive, but no longer thrive. Whatever the root of your trauma, whatever its deepest meaning, it is truly personal and it may seem impossible for anyone else to even begin to understand how much you've gone through and are still going through.

In your present state of mind it might seem logical to think that to remain alienated from others is the best way to avoid further risk. Such post-traumatic reactive thinking is based on the notions, 'I can never trust again', 'No one will ever understand', 'I will never let anyone get that close to me again' and 'To feel again leaves me open to be hurt again'.

Without a doubt, every time we enter into a trusting or intimate relationship with another human being there is an element of risk. Certain factors and future outcomes are beyond our ability to predict. The fear of loss of control through connection with another person perpetuates a sense of alienation by maintaining a restricted, narrow emotional world.

As before, to reduce avoidance behaviour you need to decide on a specific target or goal and to identify a series of very small, gradually increasing steps towards that goal. The coping techniques of the Relaxed Breathing Method will also help you to achieve success. For example, if you are living alone, with few friends and no family members to give you emotional support, your target could be 'to increase the number of social interactions that I have with people during the day'. To achieve this, your steps might include:

* Go outside the house, for a walk or an errand, every day.

* Smile at a minimum of three people and greet them if they look likely to respond.

* When standing in line to purchase food or other items, make small talk or exchange pleasantries with other customers.

* Go to the library or park and join groups if there are opportunities to do so.

* Seek out opportunities to volunteer or offer your services, especially at local community agencies, animal shelters, etc., where you are likely to be welcomed and included in the group.

* Give yourself small rewards and lots of encouragement for the efforts you are making.

The sense of alienation will not go away on its own. It takes interaction with people and your own efforts in challenging this tendency in your thinking. When you start to approach people again, be they strangers or your own friends or loved ones, be careful that you don't place too much weight on each single encounter so that it becomes an 'all or nothing' event! The term all or nothing’ (Burns, 198o) means that (knowingly or unknowingly) you are putting the other person to the test. They must perform perfectly, according to your specifications, or you are likely to say to yourself. 'There! 1 knew it! People always let me down. It's just not worth trying. I'm never doing this again.’ The result is that you give up, after the first (or a very early) try. Remember that very few things in life are immediately successful! Therefore it is very important that you persevere with your efforts and approach encounters with others without any prior expectations.

Dealing with the avoidance of intimacy is doubly difficult, because your partner is also unsure what to expect from you, just as you are unsure of what to expect from yourself. Be wary of 'testing' your

(C.Herbert & A.Wetmore "Overcoming Traumatic Stress")

(Faure - "Pavane")