(Faure - "Pavane")
It may be very difficult to accept what has happened to you and it may be even more difficult for you to accept the person you have now become. There have been changes and your mind may be refusing to accept these changes. You might have found out things about yourself, through your actions or your lack of action or your reactions that have appalled you.
One of the basic assumptions that most likely formed part of your internal 'bubble of safety' was the belief that, under severe circumstances, you would rise to the occasion and at wisely and well (Janoff-Bulman, 1985). Perhaps you expected that, if a bus came screeching around the corner with no brakes and out of control and a small baby was directly in its path, you would throw yourself in front of the baby? To some degree, we all expect the best from ourselves in extreme circumstances. But what if that doesn't happen? Often, how we react in a life-threatening situation is not the way we planned to or imagined we would.
In order for a situation to be considered traumatic, it must overwhelm the person's coping resources, involving a serious threat to their life or well being, or the witnessing of such a threat, and it must leave the person feeling horrified, fearful or helpless. By this very definition, it is highly likely that you did not cope with your trauma in the way you anticipated that you would. Your body's automatic responses of 'fight, flight or freeze' took over. Perhaps you couldn't move, but instead stayed frozen to the spot, or maybe you ran away or broke down in fear and cried.
Whatever part of your reactions to the trauma you are feeling ashamed of and guilty about, it is likely to be the same part that makes it so difficult for you to accept yourself again. Your self-respect could be counted among the losses. If your self-respect has been destroyed by the results of your own actions, it is very important that you seek professional help rather than isolating yourself with your sense of self-hatred and retreating into self-abuse through drinking, banging your head or cutting yourself, taking illegal drugs or putting yourself in dangerous situations.
Accept the fact that you have come this far through your own valiant efforts and hard work. Now, in order to overcome and work through your guilt, try the following exercise. Write down as much information as you can in your notebook.
Step 1:Begin to separate the past from the present. Recognize the difference between today, here and now, and what has already gone before. Write down those things that belong to the past and then start to notice what is around you in the here and now. When was the last time you really took notice of the here-and-now? Try to stop yourself from living in the past.
Step 2:Examine your intention before the trauma. (Mitchell, 1990) What were you really intending to happen that day? Did you set out with the intention of deliberately causing the harm that resulted? Were there circumstances beyond your control?
Step 3:Even if a part of your mind did intend harm to come to someone, e.g. wanting an abusive spouse to be dead, can you acknowledge that you have other parts of yourself that are feeling remorse or are traumatized at the reality of what happened?
Step 4:Treat yourself with some compassion!
Step 5:Accept that you are only human. Try and understand if there are some aspects of the trauma in which you expected superhuman qualities from yourself. Do not exaggerate your ability to predict or control the world.
Step 6:Stop punishing yourself.
Step 7:Acknowledge your ability to be able to change for the better. You can't make the trauma un happen but you can still decide to lead a life now that brings out your good qualities. Find and cultivate whatever is good in yourself.
Step 8:Decide how best you can make amends (Matsakis, 1992). Do something positive for someone else - donate community service or contribute to a memorial in some way.
Step 9:Allow yourself to feel self-respect again and begin to live in a way that is worthy of that respect
(Faure - "Pavane")