The effects of trauma are felt in families, partnerships and in any other relationships that the trauma survivors have. Unfortunately, the ripple effect of the trauma on close relationship often ignored and not addressed by professionals, whose main concern is to aid the trauma survivors.

Trauma can have devastating long-term consequences on relationships. It is not uncommon for previously well functioning marriages or partnerships to break up and for family members to become increasingly alienated from each other. The resulting effects of these break-ups or breakdowns can then lead to further, so-called secondary traumatization. The trauma survivor can thus end up in a downward spiral that seems to make the prospect of recovery more and more remote.

In order to lessen the destructive impact of the ripple effect it is important to understand the nature of the emotional scarring that the trauma survivor bears and the effect that this can have on previously normal, well-functioning relationships.

The Need for Closeness and Intimacy

Closeness and intimacy are key requirements for a well-functioning human relationship. Unfortunately, survivors of trauma often lose their capacity for such closeness after their experience. An internal deadness, a feeling of helplessness to change or do anything about it. The feeling of emotional deadness often interferes with the need for closeness in a relationship and can also have a profound effect on a couple's ability to have intimate sexual contact. There can be both a loss of capacity for emotional closeness as well as for physical intimacy. Sometimes it is hard for a traumatized person to tolerate touch. Partners can jump to the conclusion that their loved ones don't love them anymore and members of the family can also feel rejected. The result is often further distancing, as partners and family members tend to give up after a period of being locked out of their loved one's internal, emotional world. This is usually the last thing that a trauma survivor actually wants, nor is it helpful for the process of recovery.

Remember these are feelings that a trauma survivor can't avoid; they are the direct result of the emotionally scarring effects of trauma. It is usually not the case that trauma survivors cease to love the people who were close to them before the trauma, but rather that, for the present, they can't respond to 'm those people normally, because they have lost access to their capacity to love.

The Need for Openness and Communication

Well-functioning relationships need openness and good communication to thrive. In order to feel connected to another person it is essential to talk openly. Again, such a facility is frequently blocked as a result of the trauma.

It is often very hard for trauma survivors to share their internal distress and their experiences with others, however close. One reason for this may be, the wish to protect the loved one and not to burden them. Another reason for Steven is that he feels embarrassed and ashamed of his feelings. People often fear that they are 'going mad' or 'losing complete control' after a trauma and they may feel that others would not really understand them, or may indeed confirm these fears.

In addition, opening up and talking about aspects of the trauma can reawaken painful memories and distressing emotions. This can be a source of worry, particularly if they don't understand their feelings and see them as a sign of personal weakness, rather than as a natural part of the healing process. A further reason can be the spoken or unspoken expectation 'that they ought to have got over things by now' which trauma survivors can pick up from others around them. Being aware of this can definitely make a person keep things to themselves. Difficulties with concentration and the ability to absorb only limited amounts of information at a time, are also common reasons for not engaging in communication.

Remember that opening up and talking often isn't easy for people who have been involved in traumas. In order to reduce the impact of the emotional scarring, try to encourage those who have been traumatized to allow themselves to open up to their loved ones.

The Need for Trust, a Sense of Predictability and Safety

Trust, a sense of predictability and security are all very important factors in healthy human relationships and social interactions. Unfortunately, it is often the very nature of trauma that shatters the capacity for trust in a traumatized person.

The Need for Fun, Leisure and Relaxation

Relationships also need to be fun and to contain space for leisure and relaxation. The impact of trauma often makes this very difficult to achieve naturally.

Both interest and motivation in previously enjoyable activities can be severely impaired in people who have suffered a trauma. This can be especially difficult in families where one of the parents has been traumatized and no longer feels able to play with the children or do all the fun things that they used to do together. The lack of a sense of a future, as Jennifer described, can also be very disabling to the affected person and to others around them. It can feel as if life has completely stopped at the time of the trauma and this is often exactly how it feels to the traumatized person.

(C.Herbert & A.Wetmore "Overcoming Traumatic Stress")

(Faure - "Pavane")