She was staring out the window when I got home that first time I realized something wasn’t right. She wasn’t looking at anything-she was just staring into space, lost in her own thoughts. She looked so beautiful sitting there; her knees drawn up to her chest, the light from the fading sunset making her skin look rosy and her hair garnet.

I smiled as I quietly placed my coat and briefcase on the couch, and walked as silently as I could to where she was sitting, intent on surprising her. My smile widened when I moved up behind her and laid my hand on her shoulder. She didn’t jump liked I had thought she was going to; instead she just leaned back against me.

I opened my mouth to say something; I don’t remember what it was now, but she spoke first.

“You wanna go stargazing tonight? We haven’t done that in a long time-we could head out to Frasier woods, find our spot? Remember? When were on that campout?” Her voice was so hopeful and happy, excited about her idea to go stargazing.

“What are you talking about, Isabel? We’ve never gone stargazing.” I reminded her, wondering what she was talking about.

I wouldn’t have noticed it if my hand hadn’t been on her shoulder, but her back stiffened for a long moment, like my voice had surpised her. Like she was expecting it to sound different or she thought…that I was someone else. I shook the thought off at the time, but now I wonder if that was such a good idea.

“Isabel?” I asked softly, squeezing her shoulder softly. From her reflection in the glass, I saw her close her eyes for a long moment, felt her shoulders get even tighter, saw her throat working hard like she was swallowing something bitter. “Isabel?”

“Jesse. Hi sweetheart.” When she looked up over her shoulder at me, her smile was blinding. And fake, I realize now, but not at the time.

“Hey. What were you talking about-stargazing? You wanna go stargazing?” I asked her, tucking a lock of her short brown hair behind her ear.

“What?” Isabel asked, rising her eyebrows.

“Stargazing-you said you wanted to go stargazing.” I reminded her, wondering what she had been thinking about that made her ask about that.

“I didn’t.” She put it off, and smiled, standing up and leaning in for a kiss. I returned it happily, but I didn’t let her throw off tactic work this time.

When we parted, I looked down at her and smiled. “Yes, you did. You asked me if I wanted to go stargazing out in Frasier woods-at our spot? What were you talking about sweetheart? We’ve never been to Frasier woods together.”

Isabel looked like a deer caught in the headlight for just a second, before she smiled again, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. “I don’t know what I was talking about, sweetheart. I just had a really bad day today. I’m sorry, really I am. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

She was lying, I knew it even then. But I brushed it off.

Maybe I shouldn’t have.

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said I’m sorry I
Had a bad day again

The next few weeks passed by without anything like that one night happening, and I forgot about it, figuring that it was just one of those things.

I was wrong.

“Isabel?” I called, opening the door to the apartment and setting my briefcase and coat down on the couch, like I always do.

No answer.

“Isabel?” I called louder, worry starting to creep into my voice. That’s when my eyes fell on a piece of notebook paper, laying on the coffee table. Picking it up, I scanned it.

Jesse-

I’m sorry, I had a really bad day today. Dinner’s on the counter top, and I should be
home soon. I just needed to take a walk.

Isabel.

And that was it. Putting the note down, I shrugged, and went to eat dinner. After I was finished, I washed my dishes and put them up. Then I sat down on the couch with a bear and watched the game. Then I watched the highlights. Then I watched the eleven o’clock news.

Isabel still wasn’t home.

It was half past midnight when I heard her key turning in the door. I shot to my feet, meeting her in the hallway in front of the front door.

She pushed open the front door and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me. She blinked rapidly, like she had forgotten that I was supposed to be there. Then that wide, slightly forced smile that I was beginning to recognize was back, and she was tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Jesse! I didn’t think you’d still be up!” She sounded surprised.

“Where were you?” I asked, before I really looked at her.

Her shoes and legs were muddy, with little pieces of grass stuck to the legs of her jeans, as well as to her red sweater. A swipe of dirt was across one cheek, and her eyes were red rimmed, like she had been crying. I couldn’t help but notice that she had a piece of grass stuck in her hair, and what looked like the petal of a white rose.

“What happened?!” I asked, alarmed. Had she gotten mugged? Was she hurt?

“Nothing.” She answered quickly, shaking her head back and forth. “Nothing happened, I’m fine.”

“Where were you?” I asked, studying her again. She shrugged, brushing self consciously at her sweater.

“No where. I was just taking a walk.” She was lying. I could see it in her face. Then she smiled again, and walked by me, heading toward our bedroom. “If the questioning is over counselor, I’m heading to bed.”

I blinked, and turned to look at her. That’s when I noticed her sweater-she never wears red. “Hey, is that a new sweater?”

She stops dead, her back visibly stiffening.

“What?” Isabel asked, her voice so soft that I had to strain to hear it.

“I’ve never seen it before. Actually, I’ve never seen you wear red before-I didn’t think you liked the way it looked on you?”

She didn’t answer, instead fleeing into the bedroom, and closing it with a bang.

The sound echoed through our apartment, and I winced. But I still just thought it was one of those things, and filed it away in the “things I don’t understand about my wife” file.

She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said I’m sorry I
Had a bad day again

I was at home from work, taking the day off, the next time she had a “bad day” again.

I was standing in the kitchen, marveling at the technological wonder of the microwave which would allow me to cook my whole lunch in seven and a half minutes, when I heard the front door slam. Wincing, I poked my head into the living room just in time to see my wife throw her book bag on the chair and slump face first onto the couch.

“Isabel?” I asked, stepping into the living room and moving to where she was laying. A muffled sob was my answer. “Isabel, what’s wrong?”

I knelt down next to her and put my hand on her back, rubbing in small circles. She just continued to cry, her entire body trembling like it was going to break into a thousand pieces. I stroked her hair gently, and wondered what had happened that had upset her so much.

“Isabel, what’s wrong?”

“Bad day.” She muttered into the couch, her eyes closed and her face wet and splotchy. “A really, really, bad day.”

“What happened?” I asked her gently, tugging her into my arms, so that we were both sitting on the floor. She leaned against my chest in between my legs, her face buried in my neck. I stroked her arm gently, trying to send her reassurance.

“What didn’t happen? I spilled coffee on my blouse this morning, broke the heel off my shoe when I was walking to class, walked around all day with lipstick smeared on my teeth, forgot my paper that was due today, flunked a test and…I…it’s just a bad day.” She cried softly, leaning into me.

“Oh Izzy, I’m sorry.” I whispered into her hair, kissing the top of her head softly and stroking her short brown hair. “It’ll be okay. I’ll make it okay for you.”

I felt her hot tears against my neck and then she murmured something so softly that I could barely hear it. I know I must have imagined it, but I think I heard her whispered “It’ll never be okay again.”

And she swears there's nothing wrong
I hear her playing the same old song
She puts me off and puts me on

It was only a week later that she had her next bad day. I opened the door of our apartment and was assaulted by a loud, sad, bittersweet song. I blinked, tossed my briefcase and my coat on the couch and called for Isabel, but I couldn’t even hear myself over the blare of the music, so I knew that she couldn’t have.

Since she obviously wasn’t in the living room, I checked the kitchen and then our bedroom, wondering what this was all about. The music was still blaring, and I wasn’t really sure as to where it was coming from, so I couldn’t turn it off. The stereo in the living room hadn’t been powered up.

I stepped out of our room, and realized that the music had gotten even louder. Turning toward it, I followed the blaring music to the bathroom door. I reached for the handle and realized that it was locked.

Why was Isabel listening to music that loud in the bathroom? And what was she listening to? It didn’t sound like anything she normally liked.

…Through no light the darkness seems to be
So very strong
How does one alone against the world
Find the strength to carry on?
What happened to the way we used to love
It seemed as though life had just begun
But now that love has come and gone to fade away
Like the setting sun
Cuz' you won't let me in….

I banged on the door, wondering what was going on.

“Isabel!?” I yelled, trying desperately to be heard over the roaring music. “Isabel are you in there?”

No answer.

I banged on the door again, worry gnawing at the pit of my stomach. What was wrong? Was Isabel alright? Why was she locked in our bathroom listening to some song?

All that I wanted from you
Was something you'd never do
So let me in
Oh please tonight
Don't let this end
Tonight
Cuz' I'm starting to fall
So let me in

It was all that I wanted from you
It was something you never knew
To let me in
But not tonight
For this is the end
Tonight
I fall

The song over, I banged on the door again. “Isabel?” I called, hoping that she’d come out. “Isabel, what’s wrong?”

I've been watching you and all you do
For quite some time
Knowing all the ins and outs of you
I should've known what was on your mind
But all the world is spinning round and round
Inside my head tonight
I will fall into the darkness
And I fear I will never see the light

The song had started over again.

“Isabel!? ISABEL!?”

I don’t know if she didn’t hear me, or if she didn’t care.

I slumped down on the floor, leaning against the wall and listened to the song as it played through again. And again. And again.

It must have been nearly midnight before the music stopped pouring out of the bathroom, and Isabel opened the door, her face once again splotchy, red and wet. I stood up and reached out a hand toward her, but she walked right past me, into our bedroom, closing the door.

I stood staring at the door for a long time, the bitterness of worry still rolling in my stomach. What was going on with my wife? Why wouldn’t she tell me what was wrong?

I walked into our bedroom, and found her already lying in bed, the covers drawn up to her chin and her eyes closed.

“Isabel?” I whispered, because I really didn’t want to wake her up if she was asleep.

“Yes?” She didn’t even open her eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“I…nothing’s wrong. I’m sorry I just--” I cut her off.

“Had a bad day?”

She nodded.

“Isabel, that’s bull. What’s wrong? Are you sick? Are you worried about something?”

Her eyes opened, and she sat up in bed, leaning against the headboard, her hands folded in her lap. She looked at me for a long second, before shaking her head. “I’m fine Jesse, really.” She smiled again, a smile so fake that it made my stomach hurt. “There’s nothing wrong, I swear. Come to bed.”

She was lying to me. But I couldn’t figure out what about. Or why she thought she had to.

And had a bad day again
she said I would not understand
left a note and said I’m sorry I
Had a bad day again

Later that night, I woke up to the sound of her crying in her sleep. Worried, I moved over, laying my arm across her torso and pulling her against me. I leaned forward and kissed her neck softly, trying to get her to calm down. “Isabel? Isabel it’s okay, sweetheart.”

“Don’t leave me…” She whimpered in her sleep, and my heart constricted.

“Isabel…I’ll never leave you, sweetheart.” I whispered to her, smoothing her hair gently. After a minute, she calmed down, and leaned back against me, sighing softly. I smiled, and kissed her temple gently. “I love you.” I whispered in her ear, just in case.

“I love you too, Alex.” Her voice was so full of love and longing that I had to fight not to be sick right then and there.

Alex?

Alex?

I pulled away from her and sat up in bed, staring at her for a long moment, hurt and disgust warring in my stomach. I couldn’t stay there. I swung my legs out of bed and stood up, and she cried out.

“Alex? Alex, where are you going? You said you wouldn’t leave me again…” Her pitifully sad voice caught at my heart, but I swallowed hard and moved toward my dresser drawers, finding the desire to cry.

Then she sat up in bed, her eyes open and her hand reaching out.

“Alex?”

She was awake.

And she was still asking for Alex, whoever he was.

Her eyes found me, standing in the darkness. I waited, knowing that my heart and the future of our marriage hung on what she said next.

“Where’re you goin’, Alex?”

I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t.

What do you say to something like that? What do you say when your presented with irrefutable evidence that your wife doesn’t even see you for you, but as a stand in for someone else?

I couldn’t say anything.

So I left.

And, as I drive past the “Welcome to Colorado” sign, I wonder if she even knows I’m gone, or if she’s secure in the arms of the man she loves. Whoever he is.



I believe in you
Even if no one understands
I believe in you, and i don't really give a damn
If we're stigmatized
We live our lives on different sides
But we keep together you and I
We live our lives on different sides
---"Stigmatized", The Calling
!THE END!