How To Be a Cool Asian


1- Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white.
2- Own an alphanumeric pager or a cellular phone with a built in answering machine and Caller ID.
3- Have only Asian friends.
4- Speak only Asian languages.
5- Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're actually going to class.
6- If you're a girl, be sure to stuff your bra.
7- If you're a guy, be sure to soup up your Acura Integra or Honda Civic.
8- Make sure you install every possible option you can in your souped up Acura, Honda, Lexus, Infiniti, or Mercedes.
9- Smoke or pretend to even if you don't know how to, especially if you're with friends.
10- Travel only in groups of ten and above to parties or the mall.
11- Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties!"
12- Refuse to dance to anything but techno music.
13- Whenever in groups of ten or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other Asians.
14- If you're in a group of ten or more friends, stare menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
15- Dance in circles at all parties and clubs.
16- If you're a guy, be sure to cop cheap feels of girls you like!
17- If you're a girl, be sure to run your fingers through your hair each time you see a hot guy!
18- Wear only designer labels with the labels extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel.
19- Guys must wear their choice of: Eternity, Escape, Ck One, or Cool Water.
20- Believe in barn jackets, J. Crew, Nautica, or Polo Sport.
21- Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know nothing about them.
22- Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owners.
23- If you're a girl, live, breathe and DIE Sanrio. Sanrio clothes, purses, pencil cases, tattoos, etc. No coolness points go to you if you're a guy, though.
24- Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated.
25- Be an officer in the ASU/KSA/CSA of your respective school.
26- Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion.
27- Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
28- If you're a guy, make sure you have the TAF (Typical Asian Fade) and double the coolness points if you use enough mousse to wipe out the ozone layer over Greenland.
29- If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red for optimal coolness.
30- Two words: Manhattan Portage.
31- If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is inversely related to the loudness of your car's engine.
32- If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small chest. Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of makeup on your face.
33- If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
34- If you're a Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a goldfish.
35- If you're a girl, curl your eyelashes until they touch your eyebrows.
36- Girls, wear dark lipstick. Red and brown only.
37- To achieve the natural look, apply layers and layers of make-up. If it starts to look unnatural (heaven forbid), add another layer.
38- Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a cooler one!"
39- If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the theft of your women.
40- If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially anyway.
41- There must be a stringy-oriental looking ornament hanging from the mirror of your souped up car.
42- Never be on time when meeting your friends or going to parties.
43- If you're a girl, wear a jade necklace or a gold one with "fu" meaning luck on it.
44- If you're a guy, never say hi to a girl. Either lift one eyebrow, nod your chin (very cocky), or wink (the most annoying one).
45- Carry around at least 1000 pictures of your friends in your designer brand wallet-of Asian people of course.