*sigh* a few days ago I got into a fight with my aunt and yesterday I got into a fight with my grandmother. I think we've all been waiting for it to happen, but just didn't know when it would.

It all started with Sunday when my Aunt Annie decides to call my grandmother up at 8 in the morning and tell her to climb 4 flights of stairs (my grandmother has arthritis in her legs) and wake me up cuz my Aunt suddenly decided she wants to take me to Taipei for a trip. So my grandmother busts into my room to get me up and says something about going to Taipei at 8:30. I look at my clock... 8:10 and I think I must have mumbled something... or maybe I thought it... but any way, there was no way I could get ready in 20 minutes, so I just to myself forget it and went back to sleep. I was a little ticked cuz I had told my aunt when I first arrived this time that if she wanted to take me out on some trip, it was no problem, but I needed at least an hour's notice. In the US, I usually prefer more notice, but since my aunt explained it was a "Taiwanese" thing to not plan too far in advance. Fine. But I need an hour I told her and she agreed. Seeing as 20 minutes is not an hour... I decided to forget.

Well, around 8:45, Aunt Annie's *husband* comes by and climbs the 4 flights of stairs to wake me up and says something to the effect of hurry! hurry! They're waiting for you. So I get up and go downstairs and... no one is there. Then Mimi told me to go ahead and take a shower and that they would wait for me. Ok... fine, so around 9:10 (my other Uncle had to use the hot water, so I had to wait for the shower-- the plumbing here is a bit primative) and I take a quick shower and decide not to wash my hair.

Well... while I am drying off, Mimi shouts through the door that Aunt Annie's *own* kids can't get up, so the trip is called off. Whatever. Annoyed, but trying to keep positive, I tell myself, well at least I have a chance to wash my hair and I wanted to get up early and eat breakfast anyway, right? So I wash my hair, come out, and Mimi then informs me that they're on their way to pick me up. What?!? Ok, so as I'm drying my hair, my Aunt arrives and she HATES waiting (even though ppl waiting for her is perfectly fine) and she always times activities so that as soon as she arrives, everyone needs to get the h3ll out of the house as soon as possible cuz "Aunt Annie's waiting."

Alright, so I dry my hair and then I hear my grandmother has been convinced to go and I think (which is a mistake, I mean, why was I *thinking* to begin with?) that I can use my fear of my grandmother's cough (she's been coughing since before I went to Hong Kong 4 freakin weeks ago) and said that if she went, then I would rather stay. I go inside and suddenly my grandmother decides not to go. What? ... and so we leave for Taipei. Was it fun? Whatever. Who has fun with their 55 year old Aunt??? It was nice to see her kids, but they have made it clear to me before that they could care less for me, so why should I bother?

Ok, so then the next day, is my Aunt Annie's birthday so we all are going out for dinner. I arrive and when my Aunt arrives (why is she always the last one to arrive??? Even after her husband and kids show up...) and she motions me asside and tells me that it was wrong for me to say I didn't want to go to Taipei because of my grandmother's cough and that I was "impolite." This word in Taiwanese has a stronger meaning than in English, with a connotation that you're not filial (i.e. don't respect your elders) and that you did it on PURPOSE.

So I get a bit defensive and I'm trying to explain to her why I said what I did, but apparently she didn't want me to speak, so I get pissed. I don't like ppl calling me anything or accusing me of anything and then not letting me explain. So I start feeling my rage coming on and decide I better high-tail it out of there before I break something or someone, so I leave the restaurant, but then they send out all the kids after me then my grandmother, so I go, but then I start sobbing and finally Aunt Jean (I think I called her Aunt Kim in my other entries) saves the day and forced everyone off of me and tells me she'll grab my coat and I can walk home if I want. So I do.

So then yesterday, I'm watching TV and my grandmother asks me if I'm going to eat the mochi my Aunt Annie bought for me cuz after a few days it gets hard and you can't eat it anymore blah blah blah and I said, no, I don't want it. And she doesn't hear me so she asks me again, and I said no, and she asks me again, so I said more loudly over the TV, NO! And she freaks out and yells at me why do I have to be so "mean" which is another Taiwanese code word for "impolite" but also involves raising your voice against someone older, so I freak out and yell somehting back and go upstairs.

Then it gets blurry (it usually does when my rage sets in) and somehow I end up downstairs yelling at my grandmother that she "misunderstood" me, which carries the connotation of *unjustly* or *wrongly* misunderstanding someone and she's yelling back and Ting is trying to calm everyone down and my grandmother is yelling that even her own SON wouldn't dare yell at her (like an American would care about that, right? I really am so culturally insensitive) and I've just had it so I hit myself with the cordless phone since I would never hit my grandmother in a million years and so I end up upstairs in my room crying and talking to my cousin Ting about how I hated it in Taiwan, how I hated eating Taiwanese food every day, watching Taiwanese TV everyday, sleeping in a Taiwanese bed every day... I was just so sick of it.

Anyway, it was nice to be able to talk to someone about it. Culture shock sucks. Big time. Especially for someone inflexible like me. I thought I was so big and bad and better than everyone else in the US... :D but I'm not. I suck. And I'm thinking of giving up.

So my Aunt Jean and I talked about what happened. At first she told me that she thought my way of dealing with situations by breaking things is not right (really? no kidding :D) and then asked me if my father did things that way. I told her yes and she was surprised... then said well, you know that it's wrong, so you need to change that about yourself. So I explain to her (in Chinese... hey! not bad...) about my frustrations with dealing with ppl that won't listen to my reasons and just blame me for something, etc. and that it stemmed from my mother (it's always the parents' fault anyway, right?) and how it was frustrating dealing with Aunt Annie and my grandmother because they did things the SAME EXACT WAY as my mother (yell first and don't even bother asking questions later) and so I deal with it the same way I've been dealing with it since I was a kid. I agree with her, I shouldn't try to break things and so I've taken to leaving the scene... but what if you can't leave? Aunt Jean asks and therein lies the problem.

She did say she was impressed with what I've done so far anyway in that I haven't turned into a monster despite my parents' influence. I told her I've been working on myself for over a decade trying not to become like them... and I think... other than my rage... I have succeeded somewhat. I think... I mean, I'm not a murderer or drug addict or slut... which I think most ppl would say, so what? But coming from where I came from... that's not a given. I know plenty of murderers, drug addicts, and sluts... and I have worked my ass off not to become like them. *sigh*... I told Aunt Jean that I've always been jealous of my classmates because... life is like a race and everyone else was born at the starting line all ready to race, but I was born a few yard behind and was born without socks or shoes or racing gear... and I was still sitting on the ground looking for my shoes when the shot rang out...

Oh well. C'est la vie.

Tomorrow is the Lunar new year. Chinese new year is like Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's (of course), and Independence day all rolled into one. Uncle Robert and his 3 kids came for the new year feast. After dinner, grandmother, Uncle Robert, and Uncle Jemmy handed out red envelopes of money... and shortly after Uncle Robert and his kids left, Uncle Jemmy's kids ran out and bought some fire crackers... and tonight they're planning on staying up all night. Right now, all I hear are firecrackers firecrackers firecrackers!