Alright, first allow me to explain the drastic change in rating for this movie from a magnificent 5 smiley faces to a borderline 2 1/2 smiley faces. When I first reviewed this movie, I did so in the thralls of a H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. weekend of mirth and mayhem. After something like 37 hours without sleep, I only actually watched parts of this movie, sleeping through most of it. When I awoke, everyone (also delirious from lack of rest) was laughing and very much in love with this movie. In a sad attempt to fit in, I threw every ounce of self respect out the window and said that I too loved the movie, though I had no idea what the Hell had happened in it. All I knew is it had a funny title, it featured murder with power tools, and it involved special FX gore by Tom Savini. In my brash attempt to keep myself from losing prestige and sway from my fellow H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S., I simply took hold of a stray crayon and scribbled these few facts down on an empty and greasy pizza box that was sitting nearby. Then I let the m d ecide that it was a 5 star movie and used my pizza box notes to write a positive review. But, now that the H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. has disbanded, I can finally sit down and analyze this movie with a well rested mind. So, onward ho gentlepersons...

Now that I've watched it on my own, the first thing I realize is that, like BLOOD DINER, PHARAOHS is a parody of BLOOD FEAST. As with BLOOD FEAST, it appears that the main concern of our movie is a recent rash of murders and dismemberments that have been occuring in the loveless city of Pittsburgh. We witness one such event, as the flick opens with a shadowy figure, armed with a buzzsaw run by a gas powered generator, as he/she/it kills a virgin guy and the hooker going down on him, swiping their brains. Normally I would just cheer such an act, but it's rather cruel this time, because the boy was just about to get his first piece of ass! What should be the greatest time in a guy's life turns out to be the end. Now I'm depressed...

Anyway, on the case of this mysterious organ thief is weak stomached Detective Joe Blocker and his little comic partner Sweeney, making this a mix of BLOOD FEAST and THE NAKED GUN. Turns out that Joe seems to know all of the recent whores that have been getting hacked, from his days in Las Vegas, where there were all "good friends" of his. Here we flashback to just what happened back in the Vegas days, as Joe informs us that there was a similar case. Then, the culprit was revealed to be Semmet Cairo: an Egyptian serial killer who wound up full of bullet holes thsoe 12 years ago (ala BLOOD DINER) when Joe and his old partner "blew the guy all to pieces". Ever since the event, Joe has been cursed with a "funny the first time, but gets to be really annoying with each lousy gag" complex where he gets ill when he sees gore. His being a homocide detective doesn't help this at all, jsut like the whole concept doesn't help the comedy either. Also, Joe was beset with a "sexual problem", which meritted his wife a divo rce.

Back to the present, the shadowy fiend in the fez's next act is another hooker, whom he slaughters courtesy of an electric hedge trimmer... powered once again by that portable generator... okay, it was funny the first time, not it's barely cracking a giggle out of me... not that I giggle mind you... Let's get back to the movie, shall we? Well, with this latest victim, the department's stressedd out, borderline psychotic Chief is finally fed up with the incompitence of our heroes, taking them off the case before anymore prostitutes wind up disemboweled. No sooner does this happen, then yet another "lady of the night" bites the dust, this time by the killer's souped up Wet-Dry Vac.

Determined to figure out the case, Joe calls in the help of his old partner's daughter Deedee. Actually, he wanted to bring in his old partner, but he's mysteriously gone missing for the past year, so Deedee (an metermaid who's so spunky I wanna throw up all over her and make her eat it) comes along instead, hoping to find any leads on her father's disappearance. Meanwhile, one of the funnier storylines of the movie begins, as Sweeney's wife Erma, a chronic smoke-a-holic, goes to the group "Smoke Stompers" in an attempt to drop her 12 pack-a-day habit and make herself more attractive for her husband, fearing he may go off with some other bimbo if she doesn't... yeah, that Sweeney, what a ladykiller. What Deedee uncovers from the evidence is that the missing organs are going to be used in an Egyptian "fountain of youth" formula, which is supposed to keep it's possessor forever young and beautiful. But, if they were never beautiful in the first place, will it then make them beautiful, or simply leave them as t hey are?

Too look into a lead, Joe, Sweeney, and Deedee all head down to scenic Egypttown, where they search out Semmet Cairo's brother, Jackie Cairo, figuring he's the one behind everything. Meanwhile, the next hooker is cut down by a jackhammer, then has a parking meter planted into her... man, this is not as funny when you're fully functioning! Well, in an attempt to infiltrate Cairo's operation, Deedee gets a job as a rollerskate waitress in Jackie's restaurant. Once she's inside, Jackie invites Deedee for a little get together, where we discover that it's not he who is butchering the sluts, but his head waitress/bimbo Grace (played by a porn actress... and don't ask me her name, because that's not important)! In an attempt to rescue Deedee from Grace's clutches, Sweeney and Joe raid the restaurant, blocked by a swarm of Cairo's ninjas... yep, Egyptian ninjas... I guess it's supposed to be a joke. Just when it looks like our heroes are mercifully done for, Erma, now an atrocious looking creature thanks to the Smo ke Stompers group, comes in to save the day complete with her unfriendly trachea box.

As for Grace, she has trapped Deedee, requiring the virgin girl's tears as the final ingredient to her concoction, which isn't an immortality bath, but a deadly torture jacuzzi! Not exactly a stallwort babe, the tears come in rivers when Grace reveals the bloody and beaten form of Deedee's missing father, giving Grace all the eye juice she needs. Now, with her final ingredient collected, Grace tries the pit out on Jackie Cairos, showing off the excellent Savini FX as Cairo peels off his face while his eyes burst and ooze! Dinner anyone? Grace's next planned victim is Deedee's dad, which is foiled when Joe shows up, saving his old partner, then getting his ass beat by Grace's fat and ugly minion, who dunks Joe into the tear-free mixture. Not to worry though Joe, because Sweeney and Ema arrive just in time to prevent the tears from being added, scaring the fat man off when he mistakes Erma for me, the Egyptian God of Death and Embalming, Anubis... am I really THAT ugly?! This gives Joe the chance to lash out a nd decapitate the fat pig.

Out of options, Grace holds Deedee hostage with a chainsaw. However, the threats of "Anubis" (no, I don't do cameos) scare Grace enough to let Deedee go. Not one to miss out on the opportunity to wrestle with another woman in skimpy clothing, Deedee and Grace go at it, ending up in a car crusher, where Grace learns just why they call it a "crusher". Joe, finally over his fear of gore, then bathes himself in the viscus life fluid, having the fucking time of his life and laughing maniacally... I wonder how those "sexual problems" are coming along.

Attempting to give us a gorey version of THE NAKED GUN, writer/director Dean Tschetter only manages to bury his carreer in a very deep pit. Many of the jokes and visual gags were far from funny unless, apparently, you haven't slept in 2 days and the logic part of your brain has long since shut down. Probably the best parts of the movie involve Erma's stay at the Smoke Stompers offices, where she's subjected to numerous CLOCKWORK ORANGE-like tortures and some serious ass kickings in her quest to kick the habit. And even after all that, she still continues to puff on the coffin nails! Also, aside from the lame comedic dreck, Tom Savini's ultra-gore was fun as always, using excessive blood to make up for the carnage that occured out of sight. But, the graphic violence we DO get to see is just that, nice and graphic! However, graphic gore and violent de-programmers do not an excellent movie make, simply a mediocre one. Now, it's time for the TRUE Anubis to pick up some dinner. Those oozing eyeballs put me in the mood for something from Denny's. Anybody else want anything?

Also Known As: PICKING UP THE PIECES

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: BLOOD DINER or THE NAKED GUN (hehehe)