This is the pilot episode for one of the many all but forgotten cartoons from the early '90s. I'm not sure which came first, but from my childhood I also remember a Nintendo game and a Marvel comicbook based on the Defenders of Dynatron City, and none of them received much notice form the public. I'm not shocked when I talk to people in a panic saying, "Hey! I found a videotape of that old 'Defenders of Dynatron City' show! Wanna watch it with me?" and their response is either a blank stare or laughter. The ones who give the blank look are searching their biological memory banks for anything resembling "Defenders of Dynatron City" while the ones who laugh at me are usually women. It's not that these girls don't like to watch cartoons, it's just that when a guy says something like that in an attempted "sexy like James Bond" voice, they usually can't help themselves. I then punch them in the face and stomp off angrily while they slip into a bloody coma, but enough about my Friday nights.

Alright, this is the pilot episode, so I don't need to provide any background, as it will be provided for you through the story. In the near future exists the super atomic metropolis of Dynatron City. Dynatron is a city where everything runs on the cleanest and safest of powers: nuclear power! Yes, everything is nuclear, from the toasters to the monorail ("mono - D'oh!") to the carbonated beverages! What does all this radioactivity mean? Well, like the city's promo says, "Everyone is happy and mutation is a way of life!". However, once person NOT so happy with the joy and wonder of Dynatron City is it's evil founder (and creator of Proto Cola), Dr. Mayhem! Dr. M wasn't always so bad, he was just mutated that way by his own creation, Proto Cola. What is Proto Cola? Well, think of it as the Jolt Cola of radiated soft drinks! Whereas Jolt has twice the caffeine of the average cola, Proto Cola has twice the neutrons! Anyway, now an evil big headed genius, Dr. M does what any evil big headed genius would do: figure out a way to terrorize the populace! However, since his factory's atomic generator had Proto Cola syrup spilled on it by Dr. M's simian helper, it's been turned into a deformed piece of ugly mutated modern statuary. So, with his atoms no longer a smashin', Mayhem has to resort to running his factory on electricity. What exactly are his evil plans? What else would a pathetic despot just begging to fail do? Why, make an army of easily destroyed robot drones of course! Mayhem obviously doesn't read enough comicbooks, or he'd know that mechanical armies, no matter how well designed or dangerous they may seem always get their tin asses handed to them by the good guys. Even BIG robots still make out like Stormtroopers against Ewoks: a complete and utter embarrassment for the forces of evil.

All this electrical output by Mayhem's factory catches the eye of the Dynatron Electric Company, so they send out an employee, sassy black babe Mary (voiced by my personal Hell: Whoopi Goldberg), to check it out and shut Dr. M's lights off. When Mary arrives at the plant, she runs into her old lesbian lover, uhm, "high school friend" Wendy and her braindead beefcake boyfriend Bret. Wendy and Bret are both employed by Dr. M to truck around his Proto Cola shipments, and they're at the factory to collect some back payment. But, Dr. M's in the middle of villainy and is in no mood for interruptions! So, to add to his evil legacy, he turns away his own employees, denying them their wages, and he also slaps the local utility works in the face and makes them his bitch! Not content to get jerked around by a freaky haired bastard with a short mans complex, the trio of hard working laborers decide the best idea is to break into the factory and TAKE their money! While inside, they also release Mayhem's talking blue monkey assistant, who joins their side. But, using his robot drones, the villain with the oblong shaped cranium captures the good guys and traps them in a pit, chained up and unable to escape as he fires up his flying super villain craft, packs up his robot army and marches off to exterminate the people of Dynatron City. The captive blue collar slobs COULD have escaped with the blue monkey's help, but when he slips up (literally), he fills the pit with Proto Cola syrup and everybody gets bathed in the sticky mutagenetic substance... if said right, that sounds really trashy.

Now, in true cartoon style, the group mutates and becomes the latest superteam to strut the four color street, the Defenders of Dynatron City. Strong-willed sistah Mary has become Ms. Megawatt, the spandex clad lightning bolt with an attitude! Southern fried mechanic chick Wendy has given up her lower extremities in favor of a large buzzsaw... that's right, Wendy's sexy animated legs are gone now, replaced by some big hips and a big whirling saw as she becomes Buzzsaw Girl... fucking her has got to be the most dangerous lay in the world! Well, excluding Grace Jones of course. As for her corn fed love boat Bret, he's now the studly Jet Headstrong, with the amazing power to... uhm... launch his head like a tin plated rocket... just smile and nod kids, I think it better that we don't know what the creators were shooting up on when they thought this shit up. Don't worry, it just gets weirder. Mary's toolbox (which was also chained down in the pit) is transformed into the mighty multi-purpose hero with a million uses, Tool Box. As for Bret's dog, who he apparently bring with him everywhere he goes, it's been turned green and has a large atom floating over it's head... oh, and it has a cape and can fly. His new hero name? Radium Dog. As for the blue talking monkey, he now has... a costume. Yes, the radiation seems to have had little to no effect on him, likely because he's already been mutated once. Either way, Monkey Kid is the brains of the outfit. What, you thought Bret was gonna be the boss? His head isn't even attached to his freakin shoulders half the time!

The Defenders head to the city they like to defend, where they prove my theory that armies of robots are about as dangerous as girl scouts on tranquilizers. Yep, the entire squadron of metal goons are massacred as each of our heroes uses their unique talents to turn the 'bots into scrap.. except for Tool Box, who attempts to make them waltz first. In defeat, Dr. Mayhem heads back to his Proto Cola lair to wallow in self-pity. While blaming his loss on others in standard villain practice, Mayhem boots his inanimate mutated atomic generator. Of course, this is when he notices that the hunk of metal's ON/OFF switch has been turned to OFF this entire time and decides to find out when he switches the abomination to ON. The result? The generator comes to life and calls itself Atom Ed the Floating Head. Not only that, but the floating debris with a face can also bring life to inanimate objects and make them work for him! Things are looking up for the bad doctor. Enter the Defenders though, who feel that actions speak louder than words, as they're not content with embarrassing the doctor just once and decide to chase him back to his place and kick his ass some more. Boy are these misfits in for a surprise.

Unprepared for an actual fight this time, the Defenders get their spandex encased asses handed to them on a silver platter by Atom Ed's sentient creations. So, Dr. M captures them once more, but instead of learning from his mistakes and just putting a bullet between each set of pupil-less eyes, the doc leaves them tied up, intending to squish them with his newest Atom Ed minion: the entire Proto Cola plant! Yes, Dr. Mayhem's lair has become a marauding monster of steel, concrete and mutagenic soft drinks! However, under the leadership of Monkey Kid, the team manages to escape their bondage and take the clumsy factory beast down thanx to organization... by a monkey. Speaking of the monkey, while the heroes take down the factory, he manages to gets on board Atom Ed and end the monstrosity the same way it was resurrected: the ON/OFF switch... yep, Dr. Mayhem didn't make any kind f adjustments of protective barriers for the switch after bringing Atom Ed to life with it, so he fails for overlooking the obvious, making him an official super villain. So, Mayhem and his floating minion flee into the nearby sewers, no doubt to cause more trouble in some future episode (depending on how many episodes the series actually got out before cancellation), while the Defenders of Dynatron City are the official superheroes for the nuclear metropolis of the future! This doesn't make ME feel any safer, but I'm sure some 8 armed woman with a second face in her ass is sleeping better for it, while a glowing fetus lays growing in her womb, and isn't that all that counts?

I can see why "Defenders of Dynatron City" wasn't exactly the next G.I. Joe as far as cartoons are concerned, especially with their horrendous video game (possibly one of the worst NES cartridges to ever little my game console), but I think it should've lasted longer than it did. I mean, come on, look at the crazy shit this 'toon had going for it! The base concept alone is great: a futuristic city where everything runs on nuclear power and the future's answer to Pepsi causes people to randomly mutate... and the love it! Dad's got four arms, mom's head is one big eye and junior's got two heads! It's a freak Utopia! As for the heroes themselves, they're even bigger freaks! Tool Box and Ms. Megawatt are actually pretty normal as far as heroes are concerned. Even Monkey Kid's not too bizarre compared to all the fucking super animals DC Comics used to come up with in the old days. I swear, there must've been 30 different kinds of farm animals that miraculously had the same powers as Superman! I'd like 5 minutes alone with the douche bags that came up with Henry the Super-Hippo and Gill the Super-Goldfish... Anyway, that same logic would usually pass off Radium Dog too, were it not for that big atom over his head. Believe me when I say that that novelty atom isn't just for ornamental purposes either, because when Radium Dog psychically tosses it, it creates a small nuclear explosion on impact! That mutt can raise mushroom clouds with a fucking thought! It's scary that the most powerful member of the team is a flying green dog... Also on the freak job list are Buzzsaw Girl and Jet Headstrong. Just look at these weirdos: the one has a big buzzsaw for legs and the other can launch his head! How is it that a cartoon this messed up failed?! Meanwhile, "Rugrats" celebrated it's decade anniversary recently... the world is run by Nazis... I'm starting to wonder who really won WW2...

Sequels: there are other episodes, but I don't know if they're available on video.

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: CAPTAIN N: THE GAME MASTER or THE TICK