This is the first attempt by the creators if the popular "Tales From the Crypt" HBO series at making a big time flick, and they deliver pretty damn good if you ask me! It starts with the same old "Tales..." opening, including a wrap around about the Crypt Keeper making his big screen directorial debut (featuring a cameo by "Night Court" star and TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE narrator: John Laroquette). As for our story itself, it opens with a little car chase between two guys. One is decked out like a drifter in a leather jacket, while the other is a bald Billy Zane in a cowboy hat. It ends in one big fireball that only the drifter, uhm, drifts from. The guy in the leather jacket then makes his way to the outskirts of the nearby town, where he stumbles upon a run down church turned hotel. The hotel residents consist of Uncle Willy (a drunk old guy), Cordelia (a prostitute), Irene (the owner), Wally (disgruntled ex-postal worker), Roach (an imbecilic goon played by Michael Haden Church of "Wings"), and Jeryline (the sassy young black chick, played by Jadda Pinket, in her pre Pinket-Smith days). Meanwhile, the cops investigating the car accident are surprised as the cowboy too walks from the flaming debris! He claims to be after the drifter guy to reacquire something the man stole, saying the guy's extremely dangerous. Now, the cops and the Collector make their way to the hotel, where they find, "Mr. Brayker", thanx to Irene, who called them up to rat Brayker out. Then, all Hell breaks loose! After subduing Brayker, the fuzz tries to take in the Collector too, and what Coll gives one of them for the trouble is a fist through the skull! After Brayker gets free and grabs the key (the aforementioned stolen item) back, Coll spazzes and jumps out the window! When outside, he slits open his hand and pours his neon green blood onto the ground, summoning a gang of not-so-friendly demonic employees who look like the mongrel spawn of Pumpkinhead and Cher! Despite how ugly they are, they're not so tough though, as a simple blow to the eyes will take them out. Also, barriers made by the blood inside the key can ward them off. Now begins a stand-off, as we see which group will survive the night. Even though he can't get into the place physically, the determined Collector's not beaten, as he attempts to seduce each of the good guys by getting into their heads and offering them their heart's desire (Willy's being the best, as it consists of titties and booze). Those who fall for it become possessed, giving Coll some people on the inside! The first to fall for it is the whore, who manages to take out Wally and rip off Irene's arm, before someone finally takes out her eyes. Throughout the night, we learn more and more about Brayker and the whole story behind the key, thanx to the wonders of flashback. Turns out the key is filled with the blood of Christ... no wonder the demons are repulsed by it! I would be too! Anyway, if the ghouls get their grubby paws on the key, they would be able to retake the universe God stole from them, drenching it in darkness for eternity! Despite this knowledge that Brayker bestows upon us, Roach STILL wants to give the key to the Collector in hopes of saving his own ass, and without even one manipulative fantasy! Stupid fucker. He is then, of course, ripped to shreds afterwards. But, Brayker gets the key back, courtesy of an arrow through Coll's head, then gives it up to Jeryline (by this point, the only survivor) after he's mortally wounded by a demon and refills it with his magic blood. Now, with the key full of super blood, Jery becomes the new demon knight and must face Coll in a dramatic final battle. To help her, she covers herself in more of Brayker's blood, but is foiled when Coll wraps her up in a shower curtain and hoses her off! Despite Coll's temptations and giant flaming manhood (yep, the boy's got a 6 foot dick made of pyro!), Jery wins out, as she vomits some of the blood which she'd been holding in her mouth, all over Coll's face! He then goes through the whole Wicked Witch of the West death scene, becoming a big winged, skeletal demon before blowing up and taking out the hotel with him! And thus, it is over. One story ends as another begins, as Jery refuels with Brayker blood, then sets out on a bus to fulfill her destiny and see the world... and she's already got another Collector on her ass! What a way to start a new job... This flick was amazing, containing the usual successful "Tales..." combination of horror, comedy, action, and tits! Church shocked me though! He makes a really good asshole, whether he's smackin ho's or selling out humanity! Also, Billy Zane can be a real psycho when given the opportunity! Fuck that TITANIC shit! Well, what can I say but, "You know this Hell on Earth business? Big fuckin' deal... I got hemorrhoids!"

Also Known As: TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS DEMON KNIGHT

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: BORDELLO OF BLOOD or DEMONS