As if there weren't enough documentary drag queens out there posing as FACES OF DEATH, I now find the Belgium born impostor DES MORTS, or OF THE DEAD. Supposedly it's critically acclaimed, but I'm one critic who's decided to hold the acclaim like so much oily mayonnaise. The film documents numerous funerary rites and post mortem practices from around the world, giving us a contrast of the different cultures that contaminate this big dirt ball we call home... I refer to it as a dirt ball, though the surface it 80% water... fuck it.

The opening title sequence plays over a good ol' fashioned American mortician as he paints over a corpse's hand... okay, this better be one of those opening moments where they show us some really boring shit so they can lure us into a false sense of security by thinking that it's all gonna be tame shit, when out of nowhere they suddenly open up on us with a 2x4 type blow to the head as we witness the most horrid and brutal death ever caught on film... though, by the rating I gave this shit, I'm afraid you can already guess that this gruesome moment never comes to light and everyone ultimately ends up disappointed or sleeping. Following this lousy introduction, we're forced to sit through a three day funeral ritual in Thailand, where a decrepit old woman's village bids her farewell. Nothing especially notable here, unless you're one of those animal rights vegetarian douche bags who can't stand to see chickens and pigs bled to death or oxen get their skulls collapsed with the blunt side of an axe. As for me? Boooooooooooooring. After this "desperately in need of some editing" scene wraps up, we head back to the USA, where we're introduced to an old guy named Russell who lives in a trailer park... somebody better start dyin' soon or, in the words of my future wife, "it's going out the damn window!". Maybe I'll luck out and it'll strike someone in the head, implanting in their frontal lobe, which I could videotape... YEAH! That's a great idea! In order to atone for the 8th deadly sin that DES MORTS is committing on me (the sin of boredom), I think I'll use copies of the movie to kill the people responsible for making it, then sell them as my own documentary of death! I'll call it DES MORTS II: DIE HARDER! I'm such a genius sometimes it scares the neighbors.

The next scene we get to fast forward through is your basic Christian funeral. This is followed by a body preparation video from a funeral home, where any hopeful morticians out there can pick up a few tricks on how to get your corpses their freshest as well as proper embalming techniques... been there, done that... about 30 jillion and a half times... *yawn*. Now it's time for funeral rites in Mexico, as well as some bullfighting footage. When I say bullfighting footage though, don't expect the overly romantic softcore shit with the red capes and tight sequined matador pants, I'm talking about the toro getting impaled and bleeding all over the spear boy's shoes. Next it's off to some Mexican hospital, where a random gringo gets his guts stitched after being stabbed by some conniving thugs... damn it, this is supposed to be OF THE DEAD, not OF THE E.R.! Wait, they just happened to get footage of a guy getting open stomach surgery? A little too convenient isn't it? Could it be that the moviemakers set up the attack so they could get some more footage?! Raises interesting questions about the FACES OF DEATH movies...

Okay, we see some more poking around and stitching up of a dead guy next and I have to take a stand and say that I've seen more dead dicks in this flick than I care to witness in a lifetime thank you. From here we jump to a cryogenics lab, where they let us in on what goes into making corpse-sicles. This is about as engaging as the film gets, so pay close attention... provided your teeth haven't already turned on you and eaten your brain by this point. Mummified bodies are the next point of business before we watch muscular dystrophy patients play soccer with broomsticks tied to their wheelchairs. Funny, but again, where's the fucking piles of cadavers?! A quick trip to Thailand follows, where we witness another burial ceremony before watching a body turned to ash in a funeral pyre... mildly amusing, though again, I've seen it and done it more times than I can count with my abacus made with eyeballs and testicles. Next a woman cries at a pet cemetery (like I always say, "fuck this") and we frolic over to Nepal, where a body goes through some kind of funeral ceremony (surprise surprise). Afterwards it's finally just dragged around and burned. To the land of guys in hot pants and loose anuses, San Francisco, where an old fuck in a plane crop dusts the San Fran Bay with somebody's ashes. Arnie Pie of "Arnie In The Sky" says everyone on the Golden Gate Bridge should roll up their windows and try not to breath any of the scorched remains.

A mildly more shocking scene awaits us next when a Phillipino guerrilla learns he doesn't live in a democracy, when government assassins videotape shooting the mook in the face and ditching him in a shallow grave... emphasis on "mildly". Last stop on our trip is another opportunity for your fast forward button to show you what it's got, as we're subjected to ANOTHER death ceremony, this one in China. After this is done, we get a wrap up montage of the basic points of DES MORTS before it's finally time to say goodbye to the boredom of reality and chase down the next trolley to the land of make believe. When you look at it, DES MORTS is less a FACES OF DEATH knock off than it is a continuation of it. In fact, I think a more appropriate title might be FACES OF AFTER DEATH. The tagline? "You saw what it was like to die, now see what happens next!". Some people are very intrigued by the death practices of other cultures and how different people from around the world handle the big sleep... I'm not one of those people. I am Death, I don't need to see funerals and shit, because that stuff's AFTER my job is done. Call me egotistic, but I take pride in my work and prefer to sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor. So, I'll be sticking with FACES OF DEATH and all it's clones and leave DES MORTS to you people who can afford to waste an hour and a half of your lives.

Also Known As: OF THE DEAD

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: FACES OF DEATH or EXECUTIONS