Charles Band's Empire Pictures continues to haunt me, despite being long dead, overtaken by Band's new project: Full Moon Pictures. As with his other forgettable sci-fi movies like METALSTORM and LASERBLAST, Band fails once more with ELIMINATORS. Obviously aimed at the fan boy in all of us, the movie degenerates into a cheesy campy flick from the get go, not giving us one real slice of the action-adventure pie that movies like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK did. Nor does it serve us a piece of the science fiction cake the way that movies like ROBOCOP suceeded in. Nope, instead ELIMINATORS reads like a messy concoction of both those movies, with a tragic dash of THE WIZARD OF OZ thrown in too. Chuck, why do you do stuff like this to me man?!

Our story opens with the experiments of the mad scientist Dr. Abbott Reeves, who is one of those whiny pricks, resentful of everything because his face is horribly scarred, probably because of no one's fault but his own. Doc Reeves, in all his mad science glory, is practicing with the science of time travel, using his handmade henchman "the Mandroid" to test his machine for him. Upon completion of it's tasks, the doc orders that the potentially usefull robot be disassembled for spare parts. However, the order for "termination" is denied, as Reeves's lab assitant assists the 'borg in escaping in a extremely low-budget escape scene. Not to worry though, because I'm sure he'll "be bach"... What, TERMINATOR humor too subtle for you? The renegade assistant tells the metal man to search out a friend of his, Colonel Nora Hunter, who should be able to help him out.

After displaying why he's less an advanced robot and more like a 6 ft. action figure, through the display of his detachable arms and large "tank ass", Mandy throws on a discarded Dick Tracy hat and a poncho he found in the trash and seeks out Col. Hunter for her support. Upon his arrival, Nora recognizes much of Mandy's design being her own, so she joins him in his quest for revenge against the evil mad scientist, if for nothing else than to enforce her patents! Mandy also reveals to us just how he became a tin man. Seems that Mandy was once a professional pilot, who downed his plane in a South American swamp one day. Reeves pulled him from the wreckage and slapped a bunch of gadgets on him, turning him into Reeves's own personal Transformer! But, in Mandy's case, what you see is what you get, there is no "more than meets the eye".

To assist them in their mission of revenge and elimination is Nora's latest little metal friend S.P.O.T. (don't ask what it stands for) who looks like a flying Mr. Coffee. Also, they pick up Harry Fontana, their "last man standing gets the job" guide (gotta love how they settle things in Mexican Unions) through the jungle. A "not so action packed" boat chase ensues between our heroes and the guides that Harry cheated for Mandy's job offer, though it does end nicely with a boat explosion. Jeez, this reminds me, where the Hell did Chuck Band get all the cash to blow up so many cars, boats, and buildings as he did in the Empire Days?! Is that why Full Moon flicks have no budgets now? As we check back in on Reeves, we dicover that he too now has robotic limbs, possibly because he wore the old ones out "admiring" the girls in the Sears catalog, but that's not my place to judge... Back to our heroes, on their little journey they run into Kootchie, er, Kuji, the ninja son of the man who helped Mandy escape the conf ines of Reeves's lab. Yes, a ninja, completing the universal comic teaming of a cyborg, a tough guy adventurer, a beautiful female scientist and her flying coffee machine, and now, a ninja, as the group must battle a mad scientist and his legions of non-English speaking henchmen... the campiness is just hitting the fan today!

To help stall them in their crusade, and to add to the camp value even moreso (though it's already swimming in the danger zone), the gang is attacked by a tribe of misplaced neaderthals, renegades of one of Reeves's time travel experiments. The jungle men are defeated with ease (though their arrows sounded like lasers) and the "eliminators" must then take out some of Reeves's goons. The goons' camoflauged 3-wheelers are not enough though, even with their mosquito netting windshields, as the 4 good guys make their way into the evil doctor's hideout. Upon discovering Reeves's plot to go back in time and conquer Rome (though I'm still not sure why), Mandy and his creator have a duel of the renegade appliances, that ends with Mandy sacrificing himself so his friends may avoid the danger of Reeves's big fancy shield arm. His sacrifice is not in vain however, as the remaining action figures manage to fuck up the coordinates on the mad scientists' machine, sending him and his stupid shield back to pre-historic times!

The characters were all basically as hollow and pointless as you'd expect them to be, espeicially Kuji, who was there for no other purpose than to supply the movie with a ninja! As for the acting, it was pretty lame all around, especially from Mandy and Nora, more precisely Nora! The chick's a nice feast for the eyes (and for other body parts if I'm lucky enough), but she needs to go back to the Hollywood School of Hack Acting and get her tuiton refunded! Times like this make me thankfull that Empire went bankrupt and evolved into Full Moon...

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN or ROBOCOP