Fist Of The North Star
(1986)
So, like I said, this is an anime, so what's that mean boys and girls? Yep, it means it's not only a cartoon, but it's a Japanese cartoon, which means violence, sex, vulgarity and/or bad dubbing are in store for us! Based upon the manga (i.e. Japanese comicbook) and animated mini-series of the same name, this is a little story 'bout a man named Ken, poor post-Apocalyptic martial arts warrior barely kept his girlfriend, uhm, fed... look, no matter how hard I try I can never seem to make an amusing parody of "The Ballad Of Jedd Clampet"! I've come to terms that I'll never be as talented as some redneck with a television contract and that I'll never write the theme song for a zany Buddy Ebsen comedy! I've come to terms, now why can't you!? It's always about you! You! You! You!!!!! Well, FUCK you! Fuck you in your stupid asses!... Damn, it sucks having A.D.D. and Turrets... Anyway you shit gobbling ass monger fuck face cunt pussy cock bitch pisser, about Ken, he's one of the few survivors of your standard "nuclear wasteland" future-type worlds, where world wide nuclear hot potato between nations that just needed to get laid has resulted in the death of 90% or humanity, the destruction of 98% of any remnants of civilization and the herbicide of 99.9% of any and all vegetation that once dominated the once green and blue marble in the Universal enigma. Speaking of blue, that reminds me, the oceans have dried up and the only rain that seems to fall anymore is acid rain. If only the rest of the world had the teachings of "Captain Planet" to show them the errors of their ways...
Like any good Road Warrior knock-off, the few remaining people have gathered together to form small communities based around the idea of survival in a world gone mad. You know, there's those who want to survive and preserve their lives and beliefs will every ounce of the strength they have left (or "gangs" as they're unfairly labeled) and then there are the little pussies who expect the world to be a bright and happy place, yet are too LAZY to make that happen, especially if it might require cracking some skulls or beating a few minors to death with dead animals (or "innocent, victimized, pilgrim types" as the defense lawyers would have you believe). Then there's people like Ken, who are on their own mission of revenge, one man armies, killing machines that have no problem popping a few heads and exploding a few inner organs if it means the wrongs against them have been put right. The wrong in question dealt to Ken was by his former partner and friend Shin, who got his own little gang together and kicked Ken's ass, inserting a few fingers into his chest, scarring his manly pecs for life and giving him something to remind himself of what he's fighting for. What exactly is he fighting for again? That would be the love of his life, the blonde bombshell Julia, who Shin took from him after he whooped on Kenny but good! Not only did he take her away with him though, but he made her proclaim her love for him while denouncing her true romeo... that being Ken of course... for Jeezus Kryst's sake people, could you at least try to unravel some of these "great mysteries" of the cinema yourselves for once?!
There's a little more to Ken and Shin than just some tramp in a dress though. See, Ken is what's known as the Fist Of The North Star, which means he's like the ultimate fighter of the martial arts school of North Star, as seceded after his father's death at the hands of Ken's brother Raoh, who murdered the old man when he refused Raoh the number one contender spot for the title of Fist Of The North Star. As for Shin, he's what's known as the Fist Of The South Star, so you can guess that these two are connected. As far as ancient tradition goes, the Fists of North and South Star are never to clash, as it will unbalance the sensitive Tao of the universe, throwing Yin and Yang all out of *whack* as good or evil gains the upper hand in the karma of the Universe. In case you haven't guessed, Ken is the good guy, Shin is the bad guy, though, being a mad despot in a world gone to Hell, he doesn't see himself as evil, just "misunderstood", like Frankenstein's monster or Vlad The Impaler... but not so much Hitler... maybe Manson... Like I said, North and South collide like a one-on-one summation of the American Civil War, except in this case the South has won... though anyone who paid a little attention in High School history class between wet daydreams of the cheerleaders will remember that the South also held a secure foothold in the Civil War... for a while... yeah, we all know how that ended... After being left for dead by his former friend and karmatic counterpart, Ken gets an unwelcome family reunion as his brothers Raoh and Jagi show up like vultures to pick the proverbial roadkill that their sibling has become. Raoh just kinda sits by and watches as the insanely jealous Jagi tosses our hero into a nearby ravine, then drops half of said ravine on top of Ken's head... family reunions are such a bitch.
With no one to oppose his word, Raoh proclaims himself the new Fist Of The North Star. I'd say nobody's going to void that claim since Raoh's about 8 feet tall and built like a bomb shelter, but I don't think anyone's really gonna give a shit what he wants to call himself anyway, so let the baby have his bottle... or he might rip off your arm and use it to blow up your family's heads... I'll explain later when the action really starts... speaking of which, this review's taking forever! The next people we meet are a young mute girl named Lynn and her mangy brother... uhm... come to think of it, I don't think I ever picked up that kid's name... oh well, to keep from getting anymore confusing, I'll just call the kid "Wretched Little Snot-Nosed Shit", or just "Shit" for short. So, Shit and Lynn are a couple of orphans stuck in the middle of the end of the world, trying to live off of rats and mud and spider eggs. They're not alone though, as they kinda live with a nomadic tribe of peaceful folk who have banded together to build a new, prosperous existence eating aborted fetuses and using human feces as currency... I'm no making this up... oh wait, yes I am! Sorry about that. When Lynn and Shit are harassed by a gang of tuffs in the burned out remains of one of the world's many cities, a beard-o in a cloak shows up and starts popping bad guy heads left and right! When the seven scars on the man's chest are revealed, I think we all know who our cranium popper is: Kenshiro, battered and beaten former Fist o' The North Star, back and training to make the biggest comeback since Rocky!... no, wait, Stallone got his ass kicked in Rocky... make that Rocky II! Wait, while we're at it, why not just make it Rocky III while we're at it, at least that one had Hulk Hogan and Mr. T!
So, after disposing of a throng of Mad Max refugees, we learn that Ken was actually summoned by Lynn, who's not only mute, but a telepath who can call for help when she's in trouble. To further sweeten the deal, Ken uses his mystical North Star wonder twin powers to reactivate the little girl's voice box and restore the power of speech to her perk little lips. Elsewhere, another valiant warrior by the name of Rei literally "disarms" a couple of goons before strolling into a nearby town and doing the same to a few more braindead thugs. How does he do such wonderfully gory martial arts art? With a few simple motions of his hands, his laser powered fingertips turn anyone they're aimed at into thin sliced luncheon meat... that would be such a good trick for a hungry cannibal carrying a loaf of bread to learn... The mooks Rei slaughters claim to work for a guy calling himself Kenshiro, the Man With The 7 Wounds, the Fist Of The North Star, which isn't all that likely since, not only is Ken shaping up to be a good guy who wouldn't have a bunch of goons doing his dirty work for him (at least not for minimum wage), but didn't Raoh lay claim to the North Star title? Well, either way, the real Ken shows up to dispose of this impostor, who's revealed from behind his steel faceplate to be Ken's evil little goblin of a brother Jagi, who Rei is after because Jagi kidnapped his sister from her wedding day. When the two heroes find their way to the gates of Jagi's abode, Ken must first do some medieval paddy cake all over the hugely obese mountain of flesh guarding the door. Needless to say, Tons of Fun is soon splattered all over the landscape, like an over-ripe watermelon 'neath the might of the legendary Smash-O-Matic, only Ken's got all his hair and his Smash-O-Matic is his hands! Oh yeah!
When he confronts his lowly brother Jagi, Ken learns that it was Jagi who turned Ken's old pal Shin against him, manipulating him into believing that only by taking her from Ken could he protect Julia, the woman he secretly loved. While all this is going on, Rei is keeping his meat slicing techniques on the ball, butchering Jagi's henchmen into henchmeats for all the children to munch on for a few weeks. Man, I hate leftovers. Sure, diced homosapien meatloaf is great the first time, but by the 7th or 8th reheating, the flavor's all gone and it's dry as a leper's flaking epidermis. Despite the defeat of Jagi, when Rei gets his sister back, he finds her blind and slightly retarded, apparently raped and abused out of her mind by Jagi and crew! However, Ken plays "Touched By An Angel" again and restores the sister to her previous state of mental health, rape and abuse free. Next on Mr. Kenshiro's agenda? A raid on Shin's castle, which probably won't end well for Shin. Oh well, at least without a head he won't need to worry about buying any hats or the relenting nightmare of a gradually receding hairline. Speak of the devil, as this is going on, Shin continues his failed attempts at buying Julia's heart with trinkets and wealth. Hey Shin, forget that stuck up prude, pass me some of that vast wealth of yours and me love you long time! No checks or C.o.D.s though, I take my cash upfront... Julia of course has no sentiment for Mr. Blondhead ("that's Greg, Greg Blondhead!"), as her romance muscle holds only one true lover: Kenshiro.
In all this turmoil and low grade humor, some of you may have been wondering as to the whereabouts of Kenny's other brother Raoh. Well, in the time since he declared himself Fist Of The North Star, the family's biggest little brother has amassed himself a respectable following of freaks and losers, a stockpile of zealots to aim at opposing armies when Raoh feels like going out and conquering another chunk of scorched Earth. Coincidentally enough, that's just what he's doing when we catch up with him, as his militia wage battle with another mob of Post-Apocalyptic conquistadors, led by a rather large fellow with the ability to turn his flesh to solid steel ala the recently departed Colossus of "X-Men" fame. After pseudo Colossus makes short work of the majority of Raoh's legionnaires (well, they were all as useless and expendable as Van Damme), the head man himself decides it's time to show shiny ass what it's like to challenge a guy dressed like Conan! Uhm, come to think of it, moviegoers wouldn't agree, as Schwarzenegger's character just ran around in bearskin speedos in the Conan flicks, so this was more a reference to the comicbook Conan, decked out in Sumerian armor and the like... blasted pointless background! Why do I even bother to make the references if I've gotta spend an additional 203 character spaces (yes, I counted) explaining them!? Long story short, or short story shorter, Raoh explodes the tin man from the inside out. Meanwhile, one person NOT happy about Raoh's recent campaign for dominion over the wasteland is Shin, who makes his own bid to put an end to this beefed up Patton.
While Shin tries to put his foot down on Raoh's, uhm, foot, Julia finally escapes her confines to go in search of her beloved Ken. As for Ken, he arrives at Shin's kingdom to find the palace burning, a result of Raoh's neighborly visit. Finding Shin, Ken takes this chance for their rematch to avenge his ass whooping and all that scarred tissue ("that I wish you saw. Young, tough girl in a push-up bra..." sorry, that's the last song I heard on the radio on the way home) that ruined Ken's chances of ever winning an "oil your pecs and make them dance" contest. Sure, the guys may say "damn! Those things make you look so bad-ass dude!", but the ladies are keen on that stuff, at least not where their meandering over physical beauty and viewing men as pieces of sirloin in concerned. The battle ends as we all know the only way it could: Ken busts Shin up ala the old "bull in a China shop" proverb... in the respect that Ken's the bull and Shin's bones and internal organ meat are the China... making Shin a China shop... I gotta stop trying to sound philosophical, all this shit gets in my head and just raises my Urge-To-Kill Factor... Speaking of killing, before Shin physically realizes the follies of fucking with Kenshiro, he manages to cough out that Raoh is now the one with Julia on a leash, and if Ken plans to get her back, he's gotta take out his errant sibling, which is fine by him. Over in the great conqueror's neck of the wood, Ken's new partner in pummelings, Rei, tries to fight for right (and maybe pay back Ken for saving his sister) and battle Raoh as Lynn and the Shitster look on and a Japanese rendition of "Eye Of The Tiger" reverbs on the soundtrack.
Fearing for Rei's life, Lynn shoots Ken another psychic flare, summoning him to the brawl just in time to watch Rei suffer mightily at the thick and beefy digit of the massive Raoh. I'm of course speaking of his lethal finger of doom, not other massive and beefy digits, and when I say Rei was suffering mightily by said finger, I don't mean in the banging way you sick little... bah, you've heard my inane banter so many damn times there's no point in saying it anymore, so I'm just gonna wrap this up. Ken and Raoh have the final climactic bout and end their sibling rivalry once and for all. To save Julia, to avenge Rei, to avenge their father Ryuken (killed by Raoh when he wouldn't relinquish his Fist Of The North Star title to him... and yes, that's "Ryuken", like the "Sho-Ryuken" that Ken and Ryu like to shout) and to make the world safe for other mad despots to try and oppress the downtrodden, Ken fights valiantly against Raoh in an extremely painful family feud ("Survey SAYS!...") to the only possible finale: to get his ass beaten to a bloody pulp?! Yes, despite all the build up, despite all his trials and tribulations, Ken fought so hard just to lose. Not only that, but Raoh shows that he in in fact the better man (by moral standards), when he even lets his brother live, then leaves peacefully... wasn't he the bad guy?! I think Lynn had something to do with all this confusion. When Raoh looks at her and sees inside her head or something, he realizes that Lynn is the key to the rebuilding of humanity, and Ken must live to be her protector... how odd... though it does make a perfect set-up for a sequel... though I don't have access to this sequel, nor does this sequel help me at all right now, so this ending just buggers the piss outta me!.. and I'm not even from the UK, so why am I saying "buggers"?! Okay, that's it, I'm ending this paragraph right here!
Fist Of The North Star can be described with one word: saucy. The red stuff is all over the place. Whether it's shooting in geysers from somebody's flesh or escaping with some unfortunate lummox's internal organs, you can't get away from it! The violence isn't really that graphic, as the actual fighting mostly consists of guys poking each other really fast in various places. It's the after effect of these playful looking exchanges that makes the movie so infamous! Gotta love it. As far as the story goes, it's pretty basic for a revenge tale. One guy/chick gets screwed over big time, then goes off to kick some sorely deserving ass and save/avenge his/her wife/lover/sensei/family member who was murdered/crippled/raped. Some parts were a little confusing, but I guess being a reader of the manga or a viewer of the series would help in that respect... then again, maybe it's just some stuff that got fucked up in the translation... yeah, that's it, always blame the translation. When I make films, I'm going to dub them over and say they were made in another language and country, that way if people complain I can say it was all a mistake in the "translation"... The animation was okay. Sure, it's obviously dated by today's standards, the damn thing's almost 20 years old, what do you expect? However, the images aren't exactly that great to begin with. Everybody has a huge, muscular body with tiny, crudely drawn heads. In addition, Raoh's battle with the giant Colossus had about as much dimensional consistency as an episode of "Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?"! One minute the monster's something like 20ft. tall, crushing his enemies against his Kaiju-sized man chest, the next he's about 15ft. tall as he looms over Raoh and prepares to fight, then finally he's only about 8ft. tall as Raoh makes his guts blow up! Come to think of it, I wouldn't be surprised if Raoh was actually TALLER than the guy at that point! Anyway, the point to this pointless review is to tell you that you should check this movie out if you want violence and something that's not too plot heavy. If you're looking for the meaning of life and old people drinking tea and discussing why their kids don't call them anymore, then go rent something I will NEVER watch. As for me, I realize I'm not funny and will leave you now. Oh well, at least they still love me in France, where they call me "Le Poopie" and laugh when I talk to shoes...
Sequels: the animated mini-series, Fist Of The North Star 2
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: the Dragonball Z films if you're looking for fighting, or Vampire Hunter D is you're looking for more of the red stuff.
