A babe and her beau just finished a session of rough ridin', but "Steve" soon ends up faceless and tacked to a door and the babe gets a butcher knife in her skull! And thus concludes, HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY... oh wait, I mean, "and thus BEGINS, HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY". Sorry, my mistake. Okay, first things first, this flick was directed and written (in part) by Lucio (Fulchi, not Pavorotti). Back to the story, we now go to NYC, where young Bob and his parents are preparing for their vacation to Boston, where, at that moment, a young girl (May) is watching from afar as a chick in the house (the one from the opening)'s head falls off! Weird. Anyway, soon after their arrival in Boston, Bob befriends May (his neighbor) and they have some kind of SHINING-esque psychic rapport going on. Then we meet Bob's babysitter: Ann... the chick who was previously "sans cranium"! Things start to get kookier though, when Norm gets bitten by a bat living in the cellar, maddening noises and banging sounds interfere in Lucy's housework, and one of the former owners is entombed in the hallway floor! But that's not all Wink! We also get ALOT of blood when some zombie thing kills the family's real-estate agent with a fireplace poker! Alrighty now, it turns out the house was owned by this mad scientist looney known as Freudstein (cross 'tween Freud and Frankenstein... or Einstein) who used to perform illegal radical surgical procedures, with patients who weren't exactly "willing"... hmmm, guess those Sally Struthers "learn at home" courses aren't legally binding! What strikes my curiosity is what does Bob's new little bitch have to do with all this? Meanwhile, Norm is there to continue the research of a suicidal colleague of his... so he does... way to go Norm. I figure that with all the close-ups of Ann's eyes, that she's the one causing all the mischief, but when she gets decapitated my theory is quickly thrown out a 30 story window... and falls on top of a Pinto. Bob barely escapes decapitation too when he shuts his arm in the door (come on! NO kid is THAT stupid! Actually, some of my inbred cousins maybe...). Turns out that Freudstein is still kicking and it's HIS mangled old ass (not literally) that's been doin' all the killin' (he's that aforementioned "zombie") for an experiment that's been keepin' him alive all this time. Before Freudy (to his friends) can get Bob, Lucy and Norm (Noooooooorm!) show up. After Norm sticks Freudy like a pig (and after maggots pour from the wound!), Freudy rips out Norm's throat and grabs Lucy as Bob scuttles away like the pussy he is. May and her... uhm... mom (maybe?) adopt Bob. I think they're also Freudsteins though. I don't know... all in all I thought that Freudstein himself looked cool, although the gore and slaughter were less than I'd expect from Fulchi. In summary: POLTERGEIST taught us that you can't build a house OVER a cemetery, and now we know you can't have a house BY a cemetery... guess I'll have to get my summer home built UNDER the cemetery! Better call Bob Villa...

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: THREE ON A MEATHOOK or THE GATES OF HELL