Introducing the first in a series of direct-to-video horror features produced by the experts of horror themselves, "Fangoria" magazine! But, for a magazine that charges $6 an issue and is the premiere source for horror news and entertainment, you'd think they'd go with something better than a film style that looks like a PBS special! Ack! Blasted British and their friggin' accents! Well, our opening centers around an arguing couple, fighting because the guy is always too busy with his work, and the girl is a complaining bitch. While out for a walk to clear his mind, the Limey bastard happens upon a secluded abode, where he gets a little too intimate with a zombie woman. He manages to escape, though not without getting a little love bite first. He wanders a good distance before finally passing out. 3 weeks later, Mark (the guy)'s girlfriend and arguing partner, Sarah, finally files a missing person report on him, and he finally makes his way back to civilization... after eating a guy in the woods first. Marky Mark then rents himself a "flat" (Limey for "apartment"), where he begins to keep a journal on his flesh devouring ways. Unable to resist the munchies, Mark soon cracks and goes out to feed again. Ashamed and disgusted by his actions, he soon learns to judge his hunger pains' limit, so he only feeds when absolutely necessary. Boy, I'd hate to see this guy after he smokes a few bowls of heavy chronic! Also, he learns that he can still jerk-off... zombie masturbation... I'm disturbed... GREATLY disturbed... In order to dispose of his leftovers, Mark burns them. But, I have to ask, will a weak little campfire really burn ALL the evidence?! Seriously, I've never seen a shitty little campfire that could torch anything other than marshmallows, let alone completely turn human body parts to ash! Anyway, Mark soon realizes that he can't weigh himself down with his futile love for Sarah anymore, so he says a final heartwarming (if I had a heart) goodbye to her while she sleeps, giving him more time to focus on eating people and slowly degenerating (so much so, that make-up just ain't working anymore). Dammitt, I think I'll take a cue from Mark and make a journal entry, "9:52 PM - 47 minutes into this movie, and these overacted hunger seizures Mark is having are really wearing my patience! Stop being a pussy Mark! Walk it off!". "10:08 PM - 63 minutes into the movie, yet ANOTHER of those fucking seizures! You better hope you die permanently soon Mark, cuz if not, I'm gonna annihilate you and then your stupid parents, for hatching you!". Okay, that's enough of that. One of the funnier, yet more tragic scenes of the movie comes up, when Mark spanks off to a picture of Sarah, ending prematurely. No, it's not what you think, the poor undead guy yanks his tiny, inadequate knob right off! I can only emphasize the word "tiny". This is the last straw, leaving Mark the only viable option: suicide by suffocation. Sarah? Well, the last time we see her, she's gettin serious with her chubby pal Dave, and has given all of Mark's things to the Salvation Army, putting the limp dicked worm entree behind her. The whole tribute to mediocracy wraps up with a little slideshow displaying the "highlights" of Mark's pathetic little life, and then the end credits role. I couldn't help but feel that the whole thing could've used some more narrative and a little suspenseful music. As for the whole set-up of the story, I think they should've focused more on the journal idea, instead of making it this little story device to throw in when they got bored. As for the setting of the story itself, I have one big issue: were the cops on strike the whole time of Mark's rampage?! I mean, for fucking Frankenstein's sake! This bumbling clod must've chomped on at least 5 or 6 people, and those are just the ones they showed us! Yet, not ONE cop comes banging on his door to even ask questions! Incompetent, crooked-toothed, nitwits! Ack, guess that leaves this fairly unpartisan review on kinda a downer... oh well. In closing kiddies, here's uncle Anub's health tip for today: hitchhikers are a good source for your daily requirement of Calcium and Vitamin C ("C" as in "Cannibalism" of course!), so don't waste them, or you won't get any girl scout cookies for dessert (they're made with real girl scouts)!

Also Known As: FANGORIA PRESENTS: I, ZOMBIE

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: THE VAMPIRE JOURNALS or HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER