Oh no! JACK-O! The movie that makes me lose any previous facimilie of respect that I had for Linnea Quigley! Dubbed "Worst Movie in Existence" by my love Krissy (though my victim for 'worst pick' is elsewhere in these pages) this craptacular shit-o-rama opens with an obese booger (not literally) tryin to spook a little wiener kid with the story of "Jack-O": some pumpkin headed tool o' destruction set forth by a "wizard" to kill people "long ago". After this, as Shaun (the aforementioned wiener kid) goes about his daily life of being a DORK, some "witch" named Vivian starts buddying around with him. Meanwhile, Shaun's also having these mildly disturbing visions (and no, it's not of when he played "Horsy" with the school janitor, because he was his only friend) about a guy with a big foam-rubber jack-o-lantern on his head. In the nearby woods, a trio of light beer swilling nitwits (one of which is a living Butt-Head) pull a big wooden cross out of the ground, releasing the semi-evil, nearly-vile, maybe-a-little-cruel Jack-O... notice my lack of enthusiasm. Upon his escape from his entombment, Jack obviously kills all 3. As this happy little scene plays out, Shaun meets his new babysitter (and flirt to his dad) Carolyne, played by the "this is rock bottom even for her", Linnea Quigley. Jack decides to stroll the town this fine Halloween eve, whacking the occasional suburbanite (except for the one clumsy bitch who stuffs her butter knife in the toaster) including a cable guy, though I'm disappointed it wasn't Jim Carrey. While Smiley Von Pumpkinpuss does that, Vivian tells Shaun that he's prophesized to stop Jack, since it was his relative that stopped him in the first place... boy, that town's doomed to a slow, badly acted demise. Eventually Jack gets his hands on the little shit (hope he used a sandwich baggie), and attempts to bury him alive, using his scythe as a shovel... demons are such idiots, but at least his foam rubber heart is in the right place. Instead, he settles for wasting Vivian (or a badly made replica) before Shaun impales Jack with the wooden cross that bound him, and he goes up in a poof of cheap CGI. However, we are terrorized by the prospect of a sequel, thanx to a jack-o-lantern resembling ol' Jack-O. This movie teaches us many thing. Firstly, kids aren't just stupid and annoying, but they also cannot act. Second, cheap and unbearable special FX and production values can be saved by good acting... of which this movie has none! Third, you know they're trying when they break for a.... FOG MACHINE! So, this 90 minute movie cost about as much as a 3 minute music video by Winger or Poison. Next, it has become apparent that time has not been kind to Miss Quigley. Finally, the most important thing JACK-O taught me: it's really funny to write "ff" at the end of the title before returning it to the video rental store! See, awful movies CAN still provide enjoyment kiddies!

Sequels: Not yet, and pray to the Gods there never will be!

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: putting a Jack-O-Lantern on your head and sodomizing your gall bladder with a scythe!