A very unimportant and overlooked (rightfully so) release from Charles Band's "Empire Pictures" days, LASERBLAST has only one even remotely notable cast member: Roddy "Escape from the War Beneath the Swimming Pool of the Planet of the Apes" McDowall as the mild manored Dr. Mellon. The story follows a young, "no one understands me" teenager named Billy who gets harrassed by everyone from his girlfriend's shellshocked grandfather, to the stoner cops, even the local dorks and spazzes make a mockery of him! And rightfully so! The guy's a sniveling pantywaist! He just sits around all day picking his nose and scratching his ass, and he looks 15 years older than he's supposed to! While our puss (I refuse to call him a hero, or a character for that matter) is out driving his blues away in the dessert, he finds some kind of arm laser and a giant mood ring-necklace, all that remains of an alien-vampire guy that was disintegrated in the opening of the movie, courtesy of some other aliens, who look like shell-less Ninja Turtles. Anyway, Billy picks the thing up and runs off with it. You know those terrible movies meant to reassure kids that they can do anything and that no one can "keep them down", not even "the Man"? Well, that's what LASERBLAST is. Just think of it as SIDEKICKS, only the part of Chuck Norris is played by a big plastic laser gun... As I was saying, Billy dons the laser and control pendant, then goes about exacting a bit of overkill revenge on the people who piss him off (including Dr. Mellon)... as well as their cars, planes, and, uhm, other kinds of cars... Hell, Not even a STAR WARS billboard is free of Billy's wrath, as one falls victim to his daylight zapping spree. But, Billy (who's become slightly mutated and more than a little psychotic by this point) has his car bombing rampage (guess he's got some kind of vendetta against Detroit) halted, when the same shell-free turtle monsters from the beginning return, frying Billy, then leaving on their merry way. If you're the kind of person who likes gratuitous exploding cars, then this movie is for you! But, if you're like me and you desire your movie with story, characters that you can actually give two wet farts about, and your giant space turtles WITH shells, then stay away from this movie. Stay FAR away. Actually, just play it safe and get a restraining order against it. When I was a young Death God, not yet fully engulfed in the world of horror movies and sci-fi cinema, I actually enjoyed watching this movie the one time I saw it on Cinemax. But, now that I've learned the difference between good and bad, fantasy and reality, and Roddy McDowall and Malcolm McDowell, I see that this movie isn't all I once thought it was, just like NIGHTMARES. Oh well, at least LASERBLAST does have one redeeming quality: the scene in which Billy simply sits around like a lazy bitch, while many lucious broads in bikinis get all wet at a pool party. Sure, it's pointless, but any excuse for chicks in tiny bikinis is reason enough for me!