Okay, after Sci-Fi nauseaters like JOHNNY MNEMONIC and CHAIN REACTION, I was very uneasy about wasting a perfectly good $8 to see another one. So, I didn't... I wasted $16. Yep, I actually liked this action packed "computers gone bad" movie enough to see it twice! Not too impressive, considering the freaks who saw it 5 or 6 times, but if you realized just how cheap I am, and how I hate to sit through a flick more than once, then you would be astounded to the point of vomiting! Well, graphic allusions aside, allow me to tell you just WHY I went to this movie twice! Our opening involves our bad-assed heroine-in-leather, Trinity, as she proceeds to beat up some unfriendly cops and secret agents, ending with her escape... into a telephone?! From here the confusions only mounts, so people looking for a brainless kung-fu fest should just go rent KICKBOXER 12 and leave this one for the intellectuals with the "10 minute and over" attention spans. Anyway, from here, corporate renegade and resident cyber hacker Neo (who names their spawn Neo?... or Keanu for that matter?!) gets a little surprise in his boring hacker's life, as he heads to a nice little rave and meets our friend Trinity. Tri(nity) gives Neo (Keanu Reeves) a cryptic message/warning. The next day at his cushy computer programming job, a guy named Morpheus gives Neo a ring on the phone, attempting to save him from some men-in-black that are tailing him... and I thought IBM was strict with THEIR "no use of the company phone line for personal calls" policy! Well, Neo fails, losing his balls and getting caught by the guys in suits. While in the agents' custody, our soon-to-be hero gets his rights violated most heinously (ack! BILL AND TED influence creeping into my brain!), when the bad guys take away his mouth (creepy scene) and plant some metal sperm with legs into his navel! When Neo awakens, he is back at home, mouth in tact, when he gets a call from that Morpheus guy again. Morph(eus) requests a meeting, and Neo agrees. At the meeting place, Tri and a few other friends show up, then use an odd electro-gun to suck the evil tin sperm from Neo's guts, before taking him to see Morpheus (Lawrence Fishburn) face-to-face. After spewing some speech about "Alice in Wonderland", Morph gives Neo a red pill (gotta be acid) and takes him to the mechanical nightmare that is, "the real world" of 2199. Wondering what's going on? Well, as Morph and crew explain, the world we live in is called "the Matrix". It's actually a complicated computer program created by an evil sentient computer to make us all think that we're enjoying our daily lives of 1999 and nothing's wrong. In truth, the evil Calicovision has taken over the world, and uses us poor humans for fuel, creating us in slimy pink cocoons and patrolling us with giant metal spiders. The only "real humans left live in an underground city, awaiting some legendary hero who's supposed to lead them against the machines. Morph and crew spend their time cruising the sewers of the future in their portable base, the "Nebuchadnezzar", hopping in and out of the Matrix, looking for others to bring over to reality, and Neo happens to be their latest volunteer. Obviously it takes Neo time to get used to the whole concept, though after watching things like 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY and THE TERMINATOR, you'd think he'd be ready by now. While he adjusts, crew member Tank does a little "reprogramming", as he downloads different training scenarios and fighting programs directly into Neo's brain ("I know Kung-Fu!")! But, don't think the master computer's gonna take this shit lightly, because, in addition to the metal beasts squid sentries of the real world, they also patrol the Matrix through the use of those agent guys, who are a lot tougher than they look! Too bad for the good guys too, because they can't even trust their own, when the bald and rat like Cypher betrays them, selling them out for a piece of steak and a glass of wine... He kills off half the team while they're in their Matrix bodies, unplugging their minds in the real world (as always, I really hate MTV)! Hey, such is my motto: never trust a bald man with a queer patch of chin pubes! Anyway, Neo and Trinity are spared when their pal Tank, still back in the ship with Cypher, flash fries the little creep with a laser gun, and brings them both back to safety. Sadly though, Morpheus is left in the Matrix, a prisoner of the agents! But, instead of sacrificing Morph's mind for the sake of the revolution, Trinity and Neo decide to go back in, bust up the interrogation, and save his bald black ass! Which, they do, with a health dose of overkill on the kung-fu and gun play, complete with spiffy slow-mo camera work and that whole "stop action" stuff the movie is known for. After saving Morph and capping many a rent-a-cop, it comes down to our final dramatic battle scene, between Neo and the evil Agent Smith inside the Matrix, as our other pals try to ward off some of those steel squids back in the sewers of the real world. Finally, despite being shot to death, Neo returns to life (a regular friggin' Lazarus) and realizes his true legendary hero status, becoming not unlike a digital God, then proceeds to blow up Agent Smith from the inside-out, and returns to "reality" in time to save his surviving partners in victory over the tin-plated Cephalopods (squids). Oh, and Neo and Trinity are in love, obviously. Oh well, gotta slip the chix something (other than roofies)! Normally I would shurk at action flicks, especially those by the guys who puked up ASSASSINS, but you gotta hand it to the comicbook inspired Wachowski brothers for putting out an action flick with intelligence, intrigue, technological fantasy, and not leave out all the stop action drop kicks and bullet spewing machine guns! And who ever thought that Keanu Reeves could make a good movie where he DIDN'T have to keep babbling "dude", "no way", and other nonsensical surfer lingo! Oh yeah, cool special FX too, and Lawrence Fishburn always makes for a good, strong tough wise man role! Black power motherfuckers!

DVD X-tras: As Ted "Theodore" Logan would say, "a most righteous DVD! Wyld Stallions Rule!". As for the disc, it features such features as: a commentary track by Carrie-Ann Moss (Trinity) and a couple of mooks from the crew; cast & crew filmos and bios (I never knew Keanu was born in Beirut); the full length "making of" special from HBO, which is just what it sounds like (and includes the sequence in which they used a butt load o' cameras to shoot the "bullet time" scenes); an all music track, which bugs the Hell out of me, cuz if I wanted the soundtrack, I'd buy the soundtrack! Anyway, there's also the "Follow the White Rabbit" track, where you can click on the rabbit icon that pops on the screen, and be instantly taken to a "making of" segment for the scene. Pretty good CD, but you know they'll come out with some kind of "Super Special Ultra Mega Collector's Double Disc Platinum Edition" in another year, which will just cost me another $70, but at least this one will entertain while I await the inevitable!

Sequels: tentative, as early as 2001

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: DARK CITY or TOTAL RECALL