One of the most un-funniest movies I've ever been forced to sit through with nails propping my eyelids open, MICROWAVE MASSACRE was actually prized by my former H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. friends. Again, as with movies like BLOODSUCKING PHARAOHS IN PITTSBURGH and RUMPELSTILTSKIN, the movie is enhanced only if half of your brain has been fatigued to a point beyond repair, or you're doing a lot of drugs. Not any specific drugs really, but probably a mix of over-the-counter caffeine pills, some prescription pills that kill foot fungus, and a few puffs off a fat joint would probably do the trick.

MICROWAVE MASSACRE is a sad attempt at an '80s cannibal comedy ala EATING RAOUL. But, since I hated EATING RAOUL, and since MICROWAVE was actually made in 1979 and simply released in the '80s, I can do nothing more than cry when watching this. We open with a bubbly, bouncy, bra-less blond broad as she does her funky little strut through the opening credits, flaunting her humongous breasties for all to see. Mmmmmm, big titties.... Uhm, anyway, our movie follows the exploits of everyday piece of crap Donald, a Rodney Dangerfield knock-off construction worker who basically sits around wallowing in his self-pity and listening to his wife May bitch him out for being such a fat and grotesque slob. Also, despite the fact he's a fat and grotesque slob, Don can't seem to get a decent bite to eat around his house anymore.

One night, finally fed up with constant nagging and inedible dinners, Don gets really drunk, wrecks the house, and bludgeons the old bitch into oblivion with the use of one of those HUGE table leg-shaped salt shakers. The next morning Don awakens to find his fat hag stuck half in their new microwave. Normally this would sound like Troma. I mean, a fat old woman stuffed into a microwave?! That requires inhuman contortion that only Troma can provide! Well, you're wrong. This is back when microwaves weren't so "micro". Instead, we're talking "flash fry a horse in 13 seconds" big! Anyway, he carves her up and stuffs her remains into their garage freezer, unsure what else to do with them. Later on, he makes the mistake of cooking up some of May for a meal (May, she's what's for dinner!) and discovers the joy and economical uses of cannibalism, as a source of food and a form of disposing of evidence! Also, with all his hungry friends at work, Don need never worry about being overstocked.

With his libido finally free of May's scrutiny, Don goes out and picks himself up a whore, getting his rocks off for the first time since 1962, as he fucks her senseless! Who would've thought such a pathetic shell of a man could be such a machine! It all comes to a halt afterwards though when, for some odd reason, Don decides to throw away a perfectly good piece of puntang by suffocating her with a throw pillow. He then cuts her up for fillets, proving to us that Don's stomach comes before Don's dick... actually, you could interprit that as the complete opposite, but only if you actually understand what the Hell it is I'm making referance to... I didn't think so. Don likes this new lifestyle, so, against the laws of society and physics, the fat, old, near impotent man goes out on the town, picking up beautiful babe after beautiful babe after beautiful babe, screwing them, then killing them for next week's leftovers. This goofy old slob is deffinately in cahoots with the director if the script calls for someone as ugly as he to get laid so damn much!

To cause dismay in the plan, May's obnoxious sister soon arrives looking for her, finding no one but her obese and sweaty pitted brother-in-law Don. Desiding that the frigid wench is far from edible, he instead ties her up and shoves her into the closet, locked up away from daylight and protecting the eyes of horney young men everywhere. With her now out of the way, Don continues his swinging bachelor lifestyle, though I still can't figure out why the Hell chicks would be all over this tub o' goo! Does he have some kind of "Six Million Dollar Man" super extendo penis?! This question will require pondering at a later date, do we may now leave to watch Don suffer a massive coronary. After his hepcat amigos find the dismembered babes in Don's freezer, our movie ends as we learn from a couple of technitians that it was the bad wiring in the microwave that fizzled out Don's pacemaker, leaving his rife for a massive heart attack... thank Godz.

MICROWAVE MASSACRE has got to be one of the worst movies I've ever seen! The special FX are dwarved by those found in a neighborhood Halloween "Spook House", the film quality makes the film look 15 years older than it actually is, the acting is one of the worst aspects of the film, second only to the stupid jokes! And believe me, it's a close second at that. The only redeeming quality to the film (yes, there was ONE), is Sam, the discontent bartender, who delivers the movie's few good lines ("...that's a liquor license, not a shrink's license")... and who also has hemrhoids. This one's for you Sam, because despite your sometimes witty and occasionally entertaining humor, I fear I will never hear it again, because this movie was just too bad to give a second viewing! No wonder it was one of the first ever Direct-to-Video films! Excuse me while I do something more important and entertaining than MICROWAVE MASSACRE: getting my bowels scraped with a rusty straight razor and some Iodine.

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: EATING RAOUL or CANNIBAL: THE MUSICAL