If you're looking for a story that you can immerse yourself into and characters you can relate to and maybe even fall in love with, then you're barking up the wrong videotape if you've rented NEON MANIACS. However, if you're the kind of person who just likes to watch zombies in funny outfits kill people for the sheer satisfaction of gore and death, then this may be the movie for you. Looking for something else that involves hot young actors and actresses dealing with everyday problems while trying to turn their lives around in time for the prom, then get your fucking eyes off this screen and close this window, because NOTHING on this site is what you're looking for you pain-in-the-ass pickle pluckers! So, as you can guess, NEON MANIACS is the second description, the whole "zombies in funny outfits" one.

The insanity all starts with an old fisherman, walking home late one night from a little fishin' by the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, by the way, this story takes place in the city with the highest population of people with torn rectums and bad Bob Saget sitcoms: San Francisco. The mangy old master baiter (come on, that one's worth at least a guttural noise, if not a chuckle... or a chortal for that matter) find a cow skull full of what look like some kind of over-sized zombie trading cards. Well, I remember the days when baseball cards were packed with sticks of pallet shredding gum, so I guess packing cards inside bovine skulls isn't too unbelievable, especially in this day and time. However, the gang of zombies on said cards (who live in one of the Gate's towers) don't like loitering bait biters, and axe him to leave... with an axe... when i have to explain the joke it's not funny... not that it was funny to begin with. Soon after the fisherman is fried, a group of teens partying nearby also get a complaint visit from the monsters. All of the hormonally pumped lads and ladies are slaughtered, except for Natalie: the "last virgin in San Francisco", who lucks out when these NEON MANIACS are apparently frightened off by arriving cops. But, when Natalie tries to tell them all her friends were killed by crazy disco queen cannibal creatures, the fuzz just does what ALL cops do in horror movies: pass off the testimony of anyone younger than 28 as rambling brought on by excessive alcohol or illegal substance consumption. Though this time I can't really blame them, since the villains didn't leave behind any bodies or body parts. Oh well, looks like Natalie will have to find someone else to listen to her ghost stories... someone like Steve, her stalker/would-be boyfriend!

Natalie's life just gets worse too, as she becomes the target of angry parents who want the truth as to what happened to their missing teens and intend to get it from Natalie. If this is some kind of joke, they demand Natalie tell them the punchline! Also, nosy would-be independent horror filmmaker Paula wants to know what happened so she can make a movie about the incident. Think of her as a young Tobe Hooper... minus the penis. While she's snooping around the crime scene, Paula uncovers a trail of slime leading back to the Golden Gate Bridge... and the cops never noticed this... jeezus, and I thought East Coast 5-0 was dense in the head! The following night, the maniacs come out of hiding once more, this time though, Paula's waiting with her video cam! She notices one of the creeps partially dissolve when it comes in contact with a puddle, but then has to flee into the night when they spot her. Meanwhile, Steve and Natalie go out for a little date to get her mind of all her friends dying and such. The maniacs aren't too happy with Natalie living through their prior massacre, and decide that she has to be dealt with, before she can cause them any more unwanted attention. However, thanx to public transportation, the budding lovebirds get away unscathed. As for their other witness, Paula, one of the maniacs follows her home, where he rips her guts out and makes her eat them while beating her over the ass with her own severed arm... nah, she lures the zombie into her shower and dissolves him with good ol' H2O... though if I ever were to remake this movie, I'd run the scene that I mentioned in the first place. Me so craaaaaaazy!

Instead of hiding for the rest of their lives, Steve, Natalie and Paula decide to fight back. So, in a effort to lure the maniacs to their ow dooms, the trio heads to the local high school social: a costume party/battle of the bands. Supplying all the party-goers in attendance with water guns (of the guys is dressed like DC Comic's Mr. Miracle!), it looks like everything's gonna turn out okay!... damn. While they wait, Steve competes in the battle with his band of Duran Duran rejects as they get into an old fashioned musical face-off with some typical '80s hair band. When the villains do show up, all the partiers piss themselves and run around screaming in their attempts to escape. So much for those squirt guns. But, Paula's ready with... a fire hose! When you're being stalked by creatures that are apparently chemically composed of some kind of cotton candy-like concoction, there's not better defense! Well, except a moat... or just living in a house boat out in a lake. So, as maniacs melt all around them, Natalie and Steve find time to make out to cheesy keyboard music. The cops do finally show up, but the remaining maniacs slip away, back to their tower hideout. Finally believing the kids about the whole cotton candy killers thing, the cops back them up as they go to raid the Golden Gate Tower. That's the last time they'll trust the youth of America though, because investigation of the lair reveals... nothing. So, with no zombies in funky Halloween costumes to be found, everyone just goes to their respective homes and it's done. One detective stays behind though and looks around for himself. What does he find? Not much, but he does get "hooked" on the concept of setting up for a sequel... cuz one of the NEON MANIACS kills him with a HOOK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... *groan*

NEON MANIACS could've been much better. For instance, there was only half a story here. 90 minutes is usually plenty of time for even a half-assed crew to convey a story with a beginning, middle and end. The crew of NEON MANIACS, on the other hand, either decided they didn't want to play "by the rules" or they're just a team of jack-asses with no knowledge of movie making, story telling, or any kind of pacing. How did the zombies get this way? Are they magical demons released from a black grimoire? Perhaps they're the result of a government experiment gone wrong involving zombie super soldiers made of cotton candy? Then again, what's with the costumes?! As for the ending, I was greatly disappointed. After all that shit, the cops find nothing and everyone just decides to forget it and act like nothing happened?! Meanwhile, one cop heads in to look around for himself and we find out the cops just overlooked the hiding discoteque demons?! I am confused and unhappy by all this.

However, the zombies, though unexplained were amusing. They're made up of such a rich tapestry of bad themes! Here's the zombie line-up: a samurai, an evil surgeon, a gun wielding soldier, a Neanderthal, an Indian warrior, a hangman, an archer, a guy in a straight jacket wielding an axe, a cyborg, and to top it all off, some Godzilla lookin' thing! Screw Heinz, if you want your product selection, get NEON MANIACS! But, despite all the variety the film offers us in it's stock of villains, they've gotta be the MOST VULNERABLE monsters in the history of twisted cinema! Water destroys them? THE FUCKING PLANET IF COVERED IN SOMETHING LIKE 86% OF THE STUFF! I don't know, I'm just reeling right now. I'm torn between loving this movie for it's cheese factor and hating it for it's second rate construction. So, when in doubt, slap a mediocre rating on it and send it off into the sea of movies, never to be seen again. Bye bye NEON MANIACS, maybe I'll reevaluate your application for citizen ship when I understand what it is you're trying to tell me!

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: HELL NIGHT or THE MIDNIGHT HOUR