I first learned of this dark and twisted flaming sword of the downtrodden and his motto of "Vengeance through penetration" from a news report viewed at an impressionable time in my youth. I don't know if it was on "48 Hours" or "60 Minutes" or some other hour's worth of mental incest, but I remember clearly that the segment was a piece on the extent of violence in Japanese pop culture, yet the lack of such violence in their society, whereas we in the States have the exact opposite: puritan level censorship (especially at this time), yet Death Wish sized social decay. I personally blame Charles Bronson for all of that, but we all saw how Charlton Heston dealt with him in the '87 Olympic Games... uhm, I'm referring of course to the Summer games incident, not the Winter games one...

Stop looking at me like I have any idea of whatever the fuck it is I'm talking about. My head still ain't quite right after Night Crawlers and my psychiatrist says that it could be years before the damages are repaired. Even then I'll still have to bare the scars of that horror-filled Sunday afternoon. The state's also trying to take my babies away fearing that I might expose them to the same type of self-inflicted tortures I do unto myself, so I got that bitin' me in the ass too...

And I don't even have children...

So yeah, trying to screw my brain in straight, back to this news report. Anyway, amidst the plate smashing karoake bars and freaky "Category 3" movies, the reporter mentioned the craziest word ever to be or that ever will be said on a CBS program: Rapeman.

Apparently a popular manga (re. Japanese comicbook) at the time, Rapeman was a name that would sit in the back of my molars laying eggs of screwballiness into the occasional conversation for the years to follow. I figured I would never see a translated copy of the book tickling my foul talons, but the concept of a guy named "Rapeman" just wouldn't stop beating my brainpan like the proverbial butt-nekkid Matthew McConaghey of my soul poundin' on bongos whilst whacked on peyote.

Sheer madness kiddies. Hug your mommies and daddies extra tight before going to bed tonight....

Well, you can imagine my amazement (lightly garnished with a few rainbow sprinkles of dread and social stigma) when I stumbled across a few episodes of a live-action Rapeman movie series less than a year ago. The only problem was that the store I found it in only offered a non-translated edition (re: no subtitles, dub or anything of the type in English)... and I didn't have $20 with which to buy it at the time... and I was with my girlfriend's mom... Basically, the Gods of Bad Taste were working overtime that day in the "Screw Over Anubis" department. But, that was then and this is now and now is here and here is Rapeman.

Our tale of costumed debauchery begins with an opening soundtrack that resembled the half-breed bastard spawn of an eve of intoxicated impregnation between the themes of St. Elmo's Fire and "Renegade". We then witness a scene that most people reading this review have been victimized by once or twice, as a gold digging super bitch ends her latest date by dumping her farmboy suitor after six months of unrequited love leave her with expensive gifts and jewelry and him with blue balls and an empty bank account. While he's on his way back to mommy and daddy's farm in his needlessly expensive sports car (no doubt bought on the urgings of the lady's need to be seen in fancy transport), the archetype for every woman I've ever dated retreats to her apartment (rent of which I'm sure is supplied by one or many other meal ticket men) to pay a call to a different boyfriend, one to whom she declares her undying devotion to...

And this is the perfect time for a man garbed in leather and wearing a black hockey mask to enter via the window, proclaim he's been hired by the bitch's ex-boyfriends to rape, then handcuffs her, gags her with duct tapes, drops trou and proceeds to earn his dinero as a muff mercenary/ass assassin. Yes kiddies, Rapeman has taken the scene. After the kitchen counter violation, our titular protagonist zips up, uncuffs the broad and exits the same way he came in.

As if the concept of the movie wasn't bad enough, how do we know this material is the work of a full blown card carrying misogynist? In Trebek fashion the answer is: the bitch is turned into a desperate, servile, cock hungry little nothing begging for another round... I'm not even a woman and that makes me at least a little angry... maybe it's just time I stop poppin' my girlfriend's baby-killer pills...

The following morning we're introduced to Mr. Keisuke, a birthday celebratin' teacher at one of, you guessed it, Japan's 50 billion all-girl schools. If pop culture's any indication, the country's lousy with educational institutes who teach nothing but cute chicks in tiny skirts just begging for an assful of tentacle. To prove this theory? A couple of Mr. Keisuke's students give him a special b-day "handkerchief". But, when he tries to wipe his face with it, his snot rag turns out to be cotton panties...

Horny pieces of sideways cooze, every dirty little high-pitched squealing one of 'em. Oh well, thanks to them I can finally get wood over those little sailor uniforms without the awkward Popeye moments...

Elsewhere, while Kei's being set up for an obvious "pedophile teacher" frame job (girls at my old high school always pulled this stuff around finals time too), his uncle Shotoku is approached by a young lady seeking the services of Rapeman. Looks like she was all hot and heavy with a local politician named Kayama, but backed off for a while so he could focus on his political agenda, only to be "seduced" by some tart named Tomoko looking to get the future senator's pen dipped in her ink... because as we all know it's the woman's fault for corrupting men, as men are without moral fault... remind me why I let people like this go on living again?

Anyway, with her man between the legs of another lady, this broad ain't happy and so seeks the services of the leading rapist-for-hire... which makes me wonder: how do Kei and Sho advertise for something like "Rapeman & Co. Forced Sex Revenge Store"!? Do they take out an ad in the Yellow Pages under "Vengeance Services"?! Additionally, how do you come up with rates for something like rape?! $500 for oral, $750 for vaginal, $1000 for anal, with additional fees for ejaculations and/or impregnations?! Further more, how exactly is Rapeman fulfilling his contractual obligations of "painful revenge" when it seems like all the women he forces himself on just end up begging for more of THE BEST SEX THEY'VE EVER HAD?!!!?!?!?!

So many unanswered questions that, somehow, I know will go unanswered in favor of showing a guy in a hockey mask engage in synthesize forced copulation with defenseless women... oh well, such is the Circle of Life.

When Sho tells Kei about the job, he has misgivings at first (what misgivings you freak?! YOU RAPE PEOPLE FOR MONEY!), but these are quickly silenced when he's told about the $4000 butt bounty the woman has offered. Besides, it's not so much the money that counts in this business, but the Rapeman Corporate motto: "Rapeman represents justice when the law is powerless"... and when there's money to be had... and raping to be done...

But, to further blur the line between sexual assault and heroism, the writers have given Rapey a just cause: funding the Sunflower Orphanage, which was young Kei's home as a child (and is run by Uncle's long time lady love), using the money he makes from his "jobs" to give otherwise homeless children a place to live... So, now we have a confused man who thinks the evil things he does are good, and using the money he makes from doing these evil things to finance a charitable cause as an excuse to continue doing them... Why do I feel like I'm watching a Nazi propaganda film?! Oh wait... Japan... World War 2... all those American comic books where Japanese characters were drawn like mutant stereotypes of Chinese people... sorry, almost forgot.

The following night, Rapeman wastes no time leaping his penis into action, ambushing Tomoko in a parking garage and the scene melts into that slow-mo, nauseating sequence that seems to permeate any of Rapey's penetrations. Though the rapes are never graphic, the disorienting feeling of the visual tricks helps make us feel sick at the rape scenes' intentions, much like the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre wasn't necessarily violent, but led our minds to believe so through the sounds and implications that there was graphic violence going on in our mind, where our eyes were actually seeing little or none of it... so, as if the implications of a man raping women for money wasn't bad enough, now the director is sticking his rape stick in our brains! Wahhhhhhhhhhh!

While doin' his "bidness", a scream signals the arrival of a speeding car through the garage, from whose passenger side someone takes several pictures of the action. Hmmmm, I smell me a setup... or is that just the love lube and leather?

The following day Kei notices a young lady outside of the Rapeman offices taking pics of Uncle Sho and decides to follow her as his misogynistic alter ego. When he confronts her he threatens to rape her and send photos of it to all the major papers in town, thus damaging her reputation (HOW DOES MAKING HER A RAPE VICTIM DAMAGE HER REPUTATION!?!?!) if she doesn't cooperate and hand over her film roll. She does reluctantly and Rapeman escapes the evening without living up to his name... thank Jesus in a fucking toy boat!

After developing the film, Kei and Uncle Sho realize this isn't the roll with the Tomoko rape evidence, but it does have pictures of the woman who hired Rapes to do the job as she meets with men whom our "heroes" recognize as Yakuza bosses. Yeah, I'm definitely smelling the pungent perfumes of a setup now... or is that me? Huh, guess Old Spice's attempts to make me smell like a haggard sea captain are working.

Anyway, whatever the woman's side projects are they're of no concern to Kei as these are obviously not the sought after rape evidence photos he was seeking. So, returning to the photographer girl's apartment, Rapes prepares to fulfill his promise, holding the woman down and threatening her with a butterfly knife if she doesn't cough up the film he's looking for. Wait a second, now he's using a KNIFE in his work?! Hey, it was all well and good when he was raping women, but the whole thing seems less, I don't know, noble when he starts threatening his victims with knives... that was of course sarcasm, so everyone please refrain from sending me those "YOU'RE A DISGUSTING CHAUVINIST WHO THINKS IT'S OKAY FOR MEN TO RAPE WOMEN!" hate e-mails. As I've said numerous times already, I'm on your side in this.

Turns out the girl has no idea what Rapes is talking about in regards to these rape photos and instead of raping an innocent (and for no monetary gain I might add), our "hero" takes his leave and apologizes for eternally traumatizing this woman. Though a rather "dry" night for business, Rapes did get a clue from this nocturnal torture session: the girl accused him of being hired by the Kyokyuryu - the Yakuza gang whom he saw meeting with his employer in the original photos he had forced from the photographer's hand. The plot thickens... and no erection or jizm jokes please, as this movie's already making me feel like a sick freak for just watching it.

In order to keep a low profile while investigating this Scooby-Doo mystery, Uncle Sho heads to the Giza club to try and find out why their latest job is turning into a mafia clusterfuck. Figuring the kindly owner of the club was probably unaware of what she was dealing with, Sho confronts her directly with the photos and she gives no indication that she knew what she was getting into. Of course, while out back draining Lil' Sho, Unc gets felled with a flurry of fists to the face and feet to the keyster. See, whereas Mafioso stereotypes favor pistol whipping a punk's coconut, from the Yakuza examples I've seen, they instead prefer to lay their loafers upside some gluteus maximi for whatever reason. To add insult to injury, the sound effects track for this scene is way off, as *thuds* and *thumps* don't match up with the blows being delivered. If I ever get my ass kicked on video (again anyway), all I ask is that the soundtrack at least line up...

Soundly trounced, Uncle Sho tells Kei that he wants out of this mission due his allergic reaction to getting his ass kicked. But Kei, firmly in belief of Rapeman Co.'s other corporate motto, must fight on with "Revenge Through Penetration", now setting his phallic sites on some Yakuza ass!... errr, not literally. Rapeman's not a unisex revenge service after all... I wonder if there's a Rapewoman I could hire... you know, for myself...

It's right around here that Kei says he has to go through with the mission, as he refuses to help fund the Sunshine with "dirty" mafia blood money... YOU RAPE PEOPLE FOR FUCK'S SAKE! DON'T TAKE THE MORAL HIGH GROUND HERE! YOUR OTHER FUNDS ARE FROM PEOPLE HIRING YOU TO FUCK WOMEN AGAINST THEIR WILL!!!! A black hole just opened in my head and imploded my entire fucking thought processes...

With Uncle out of commission, Kei takes the surveillance duties upon himself, heading for the club and using the Yakuza blood money to fund a night of rampant drinking and socializing with high priced call girls! He takes a short break from the "festivities" to follow the she-dragon club owner into the ladies room, where he can subject her to a little "back door interrogation"... in full Rapeman costume?! Where does he keep that duck fucking thing, cuz it's obviously not being worn under his tuxedo! And of course, though he gets the info he needs out of her, his "punishment" is just the opposite as the broad just wants more of that sweet sweet Rape penis love afterwards. Maybe it's not his dong he's using to rape these girls with. Maybe he's using an Ultra-Pleasure Super Vibe 5000 Executive Model with warming lube function and custom super opium ejaculate add-on...

Not that I'd know what one of those was mind you...

After spilling her guts (hold your tongue...), the club owner gets *whack*ed by her mob partners. Was Rapeman's super dick worth it? I sure hope so, if that's the price she's gotta pay for it. Meanwhile, the Kyo guys also "moves against" Kei, kidnapping Uncle Sho. In order to save his captured kin, Kei disguises himself as a spastic gas company employee and infiltrates the Kyo's corporate HQ under the pretense of there being some kind of gas leak in the area. Setting off a smoke bomb and frantically telling everyone that it's an "explosive gas leak" (I said hold your tongue damn it...), Kei sends the Kyo thugs out of the building in a panic, allowing him to rescue Sho and make their escape in the resulting mayhem. Gotta love mayhem.

Following the escape, Rapey realizes he was setup by the mob to get pictures of Tomoko being raped so they could use the pics as leverage against Kayama to get him to drop out of his race for senator. With Kayama, the favored candidate, scared out of the running, this leaves the Kyos' puppet politician (a guy named Kaneko) unopposed to take the office and put himself in position for a bid for Prime Minister, thus putting the most powerful office in the Japanese government firmly in the grip of organized crime... yeah, like our government hasn't already been that way since the turn of the millennium.

What the Kyo group doesn't know is that the Rapester's photographer would-be-victim-turned-spunky-sidekick (Superman and Jimmy Olsen had a very similar relationship when things first started...) has photographic evidence of Kaneko getting his marching orders in a meeting with the Kyo boss... a meeting setup by none other than Rapeman Inc. and through which the worm has turned... and been shoved up the anus of crime... Okay, that right there clinches it: I gotta end this soon, lest my soul be forever tainted beyond redemption.

In their plan to expose Kaneko and his Kyokyuryu, the employees of Rapeman Conglomerated mess up Mr. Fancypants' victory party. Introducing his rod of justice to Kaneko's assistant Akimata, Rapeman shows her why it doesn't pay to take up a secretarial position with the Yakuza. While Akimata is raped into confession over the party's sound system, Rape's sidekick unveils the photos she has of Kaneko with the Kyo kingpin. Kaneko is stripped of his position, the Kyokyuryu head bosses are all tried and convicted, the Sunshine Orphanage gets a generous $10,000 anonymous donation and a certain spunky photographer chick gets the high profile exposure her budding career's been looking for. But, feeling the need to end such a disturbingly themes film on a "wacky" note, photographer girl shows up at Rapeman-For-Hire's offices looking to hire Mr. Rape. Who's she got her deviant little eyes on? Herself... to which Keisuke does the zany Japanese equivalent to a spit take. How do you end a movie where rape and depravity are objects of justice and the victims are left wanting more? Have an otherwise innocent young woman offer money to have somebody rape her...

I'm on the verge of crying right now.

Is there really any need for me to point out the hundreds of just plain wrong things going on here?! Even if I can put all the rape stuff behind me... no, forget it, there's NO WAY I can put all this rape crap behind me. If I'm so offended though, then why would I bother to rent something titled Rapeman in the first place, right? Hey, I went in expecting something along the lines of "Rapeman is some Ichi the Killer type psychopath who goes around raping and killing people because he can't control himself" and instead am raped myself with "Rapeman is a teacher at an all girls school who rapes women for money and does so because of some twisted sense of justice through which he uses said money to fund an orphanage". Even the little attempts at comedy are completely overshadowed by the sick tone and warped ideals behind this movie. Beyond all that, the directing, writing and other technical crap, there's nothing worth noting here. Like I said, the rape scenes dissipate into this odd, ill feeling "motion sickness vision", but beyond that this is a movie running solely on the perverted fuel of it's main character.

In the words of the movie, "Wooden balls shouldn't be washed with water"... and Rapeman shouldn't be viewed by anyone not willing to throw 95 minutes of their life away.