For any and all of you who saw HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN and decided it was one of the cheapest, most unwatchable movies you'd ever seen, then I suggest you stay at least 12 steps away from RETURN TO FROGTOWN, because it may give you reason to committ suicide. But, here at the Tomb, it's just another day to make fun of Robert Z'Dar! Yes, Robert Z'Dar. Lacking even the budget to pick up B-movie stars like Rory Calhoun and Roddy Piper, RETURN TO FROGTOWN is so underfunded that it has to resort to 'C' and 'D' level actors like Z'Dar, as well as TV's Incredible Hulk Lou Ferrigno and "USA Up All Night"s Rhonda Shear! Oh the humanity! Get your 4 gallon drum of painkillers ready boys, it's gonna be a LONG flight...

After the events of the last movie, the denizens of Frogtown have been oppressed even moreso, forced to stay on their little reservation and stay out of contact with the less mutant population of the world. However, not too thrilled with their little house arrest situation, the frogs come under the leadership of their new head honcho the evil Zar Frogmeister (oddly enough NOT played by Z'Dar, despite such a close spelling... and I'm not talking abour Tori). Zar, along with his sidekick, the cybernetic Commander Toady (whose name was spelled 'Toty' last time), plans to create a concoction that will mutate ALL humans into frogmen! To do this, Zar needs to kidnap reknowned Professor Tanzer, as well as a test subject in the strongest of the "elite" Texas Rocket Rangers (a group of Texas lawmen who fly around in jetpacks), Ranger Jones (Ferrigno). Who can save these two homo sapiens from their dillema? None other than Sam Hell! Who's really let himself go since the last movie...

This time Sam is played by Robert Z'Dar, who's, well, let's just say he's not as physically fit as Roddy Piper, so it looks like Sam's been sitting around drinking brewskies since his last mission. Also, his chin has swelled up momentously! Anyway, Hell (who is also a member of the Rocket Rangers) volunteers to go into the Frogtown reservation and save Jones and Tanzer, like the noble hero he is... which is a big change from the "lookin' out for #1" jerk he was in the first flick. Also along for the mission is Dr. Spangle, Sam's love interest of the former flick, who seems to have lost that lovin' feelin' she had for Mr. Hell. This is probably because they are both played by two COMPLETELY different people, or maybe it's because he never put the toilet seat down...

While Hell and Spang make their way across the rough terrain surrounding Frogtown, we witness in mild horror and bland suspense as Jones is fed a steady diet of nothing but Tanzer's frog juice, making Jones progressively greener... which leads me to believe that Ferrigno was cast simply because he has experience in green body paint. At some point, for no reason than to throw a tiny twist into the monotony of the movie, Spang and Sam split up and Spang is almost instantaneously nabbed by some renegade pond hoppers. Strapping her to the hood of their "frog tank" (it's a truck with guns bolted to the side), the frogs take Spang to Toady, whom she amuses before being locked up. As for Sam, he enters Frogtown in a far more subtle manor, sneaking into the underground nightclub scene of Frogtown, wearing a rag over his head to "disguise" himself as your average everyday frog mutant while he tries to dig up some info.

After playing audience to the #1 chart topper in Frogtown (not to be mistaken for Motown), the anti-Ninja Turtles ballad "Meaner and Greener", Sam uses all the powers at his disposal (mainly his giant chin and scary moustache) to seduce one of the frog nurses forced to assist Dr. Tanzer, laying some big mushy lip action on her and locating Spang and Jones... I'm not sure who got the worst deal out of that scene, Sam for having to kiss a mutated amphibian or the frog babe for having to suck face with that overwhelming and squishy Robert Z'Dar! Anyway, thanx to the nurse's help (and Ferrigno apparently having a flashback from his "Incredible Hulk " days as he bends some steel bars), our heroes escape... then get recaptured... then escape again...

After far too many escape attempts and recaptures, Sam and friends finally have it out with Zar's mutants in an "action packed" firefight. Since the frogs lack the ability to AIM their rifles with anything better than "broad side of a barn" accuracy, the outnumbered and outgunned good guys actually come out on top, as Toady is decapitated and Zar (who is revealed to be Tanzer's twin brother mutated by one of his own failed experiments) blows himself up in an attempt to save face after losing in a duel with Junior, his sidekick puppet... Forgmeister my ass. Everyone lives happily ever after, and we watch in shear and utter nightmarish horror as Junior joins the Texas Rocket Rangers and everyone stands around laughing heartily... please God, nail me with a stroke so I need not endure anymore!

As you can guess by all the "subtle" hints, I hate this movie like no other movie in existence! Seriously, this is right down there with ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE! In fact, the only thing that this movie has that puts it a step ahead of R'N'RN: no oiled up beefcake in a leather studded loincloth. RETURN TO FROGTOWN boasts none of the things that made HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN so... well, not great... but mediocre! There's no lovable Rory Clahoun character (the closest we get is the insipid Don Stroud), the beefy and macho wrestler Roddy Piper is replaced by the overweight and overchinned Z'Dar who frightens me to no bounds with his tight Rocket Rangers uniform and phallic Rocket Rangers helmet (tell me the two of those combined don't make you question the director's sexuality), and the almost cool frog mutant make-up of the first movie is replaced by green body paint... must be the FX budget went toward the "cybernetic" pieces of Commander Toady.

Oh yeah, and as the ultimate insult, the film's real hero, Junior, is supposed to be an experiment by Tanzer to creat a frog/human hybrid race for Zar Frogmeister to rule. Looks like he messed up the recipe though, as Junior is actually a cross between a frog and a dirty gym sock, making him a post-apocalyptic Kermit gone bad! And he turns out to be a good guy in the end, which makes it worse! However, the God Anubis is not a completely unfriendly God, as I was at least entertained by the movie's original, frog-based soundtrack, involving the afformentioned turtle bashing song, "Meaner and Greener" ("talkin' turtle TV dinner") and the heroic battle charge for the good guys, "Kickin' the Frog". I laughed my ass off and had to record both to my computer, possibly to be uploaded here to the Tomb once I figure out some conversion problems. Anyway, like I said, if you hated HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN, then get the cyanide pills ready for RETURN...

Also Known As: FROGTOWN II; HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN II

Sequels: TOAD WARRIOR

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: whoring yourself to Robert Z'Dar with a copy of FROGS as payment.