As anyone reading this had better know (or risk ridicule and ancient curses), Cronenberg is responsible for such whacked out shit as the '80s remake of THE FLY, the trippy film adaptation of NAKED LUNCH and the terrible automobile demolition fetish film CRASH. According to me, Anubis the Egyptian God of Death and Embalming (never miss a chance to blatantly advertise yourself), SCANNERS is likely Cronenberg's best known work because of one thing: exploding heads. You'll find out why that is as I continue. Our film opens with a homeless lice bag of a man as he scavenges lunch from a restaurant. When an old man starts laying into him with insults and casual observations on the sorry state of the dude's hygiene, the bum puts the old prick into cardiac arrest! Two guys in trenchcoats then chase down the hobo and tranquilize him. Don't worry, it's probably just part of Canadia's "export the homeless to America to make them look bad" policy. When Cameron (the derelict man) awakens he finds himself strapped down to a bed, where some old guy who looks like my English professor informs him that he is a "Scanner": one of only 237 people in the world with massive psychic abilities that includes (but is not limited to) reading minds and telekinesis. Unable to control his scanning powers, Cameron has been borderline psychotic most of his life, hearing a mob of different voices in his head causing him to think he's an everyday schizophrenic while giving people like that rude old fart coronaries and strokes and such. Dr. Ruth (the old man... and no, not THAT Dr. Ruth) helps Cam out though, injecting him with a Crystal Pepsi lookin' concoction called Ephemerol, which blocks out the voices and stray thoughts in his head, allowing Cameron to think straight for the first time in his life.

We leave our hero now to visit a seminar in which a bald and mustachioed man intends to put on a demonstration of his scanner powers by reading the mind of a man in the audience... and baldy's head explodes like a ripe Cassaba melon packed with C-4! NOW THAT'S WHAT I PAID TO SEE! VERY NICE! Didn't I tell ya this flick is infamous for heads popping like swollen pimples? Now you understand. Oh, and I believe that knocks the Scanner count down to 236. Why did the guy's head go *boom*? Well, turns out the guy he tried to scan for his little show is actually Darryl Revok: notorious leader of a group of militant, underground Scanner revolutionaries who intend to take over the world! Scanners or not, no nation is going to take a global conquest centralized in Canada seriously! Then again, maybe that's the point... After the total destruction of the bald man's neck zit, more guys in trenchcoats (apparently the Canadian answer to the Men in Black) swarm Revok and contain him. However, while transporting him, Rev his captors and escapes! Well, technically, he makes them kill each other, but either way he's gone. Back to our man Cameron, his new friends at the ConSec Corporation give him the lowdown on he and his fellow mind benders. See, the corporation had a Scanner Watch program that kept track of all the original 246 Scanners, keeping an eye on them to make sure the secret of the existence wasn't compromised and to keep them from utilizing their powers for evil. However, with the rise of Revok came the Scanner revolution as mass numbers of the Scanner populous retreated underground, disappearing to South America and leaving absolutely no trace for the Scanner Watchers.

Here's where Cameron comes into use, as the good people at ConSec Corp intend to use him as an inside agent to penetrate this secret Scanner society and help shut it down before they start a war... and they plan to so this with a rookie... but you know that by some strange miracle Cameron's gonna win. To help Cameron get an understanding for his target, the doc gives him a background lesson on Revok, including the knowledge that the guy drilled a hole in his forehead when he was 22 to try and rid himself of the voices! And I thought I was the only one into boring holes into my skull for fun and profit! That little incident left the master Scanner with a nasty scar on his head, which is how we can distinguish him from other homicidal psychic cult leaders. However, while the good guys plan out Cameron's injection into the ranks of the corrupt, they don't realize that Revok too likes to play the double agent game, having already planted a mole of his own onto the ConSec payroll! This spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e for the heroes... or t-r-u-b-b-l-e depending on what level of Hooked On Phonics you're currently studying. Next for Cameron is his Scanner training, in which he learns to hone and harness his amazing sideshow powers for the forces of good, as he discovers how to read other people's minds; block out stray thoughts, allowing him complete focus; move objects with his telekinesis and even control the bodily functions of others with a simple straining of his neck muscles and bulging of his eyes! Wow, hope he doesn't blow his own head up doing that shit like I did... how else do you think my first few mortal avatars died? Cam's a natural at this stuff too, as he quickly completes his studies and graduates Scanner U. with high honors. Now it's time to go to war...

Cam's first objective is to seek out a famous Scanner artist named Ben Pierce who's said to hold some info for him on Revok's operation. Cam's not the only one interested in Pierce though, as a quartet of Revok's men wielding shotguns bust into Pierce's secluded art shanty and open fire on the guy! Boy, I've heard of ruthless art critics, but this is a little on the side of overkill isn't it? Yes, yet another horribly unfunny joke from the God of Death. 3 more and I fill up my frequent bombers card with enough points for half-off the price on a vocal chord scraping! After the old looney tune gets ventilated, Cameron lashes out and psychically bitch slaps the baddies. With them taken out of commission, Cam then scans the dying Pierce and plucks the location of a group of fellow Scanners that might be able to help him out in his little assassination mission. So, Cam's next stop is a half way house for Scanner hippies who believe the way to peace isn't through violent confrontation, but through spiritual oneness and other flower child bullshit. They'll be changing their opinions when "normal" people terrified of them are stomping their heads in with combat boots. As Cam and his hippy pals try to do some gang Scanner thing, the mental orgy is interrupted courtesy of more shotgun wielding thugs. The goons are taken down with a little pyrokinesis courtesy of the good guys, who then try to escape their commune before more trouble follows. Then, just when it looks like the group will escape danger in their big yellow school bus van, MORE assassins blow the vehicle to shit!

Cameron and his new lady Scanner friend Kim are the only survivors of the raid, but they capture one of Revok's men and squeeze his brain like an orange for info. What info? Well, it helps them root out Revok's mole for one, though not before the jerk blows away Dr. Ruth and drops the security on their asses! Cam also learns of something called the "Ripe" program, which he accesses from the ConSec mainframe computer via using his Scanner powers through the telephone line. That's right kids, before Al Gore invented the Internet, there were Scanners! Revok's mole manages to self-destruct the computers, but not before Cameron uncovered just what the "Ripe" program involves: the creation of more Scanners via injecting pregnant women with Ephemerol! After uncovering such a diabolic plot, Kim and Cam (aw, how cute, they're a couple with similar names... and I mean "cute" as in "gay") are kidnapped by Revoke, who reveals that he's been looking for Cameron for a long time. Why? Turns out the two are brothers! And their father? None other than Dr. Carl Ruth... this is turning into the best episode of "As The World Turns" I've ever seen! We also learn that Ephemerol was originally marketed as a tranquilizer for pregnant women, which lead to all the Scanner babies and the recalling of the product from shelves. Revok offers membership in his Scanners army, which Cameron, being the hero, of course refuses. Outraged by his insolent brother, Revok tries to Scan Cameron, leading to the Scan off of the two greatest Scanners on the planet! Plenty of bursting pustuals and bulging arteries as the struggle takes a huge toll on both brothers, but ultimately Cameron's body gives out and his physical being is destroyed... and yet he still wins. How? Cameron has managed to completely take over his brother's body! Yes, the heroic telephone psychic switched minds with his bro, leaving Revok in the doomed body with his mind dying as a result... Way to go Cameron, you homeless garbage picker!

Excellent movie! Cronenberg, you magnificent son of a bitch! I'm not usually into the whole X-Files conspiracy intrigue shit, but SCANNERS does it well and in a very dark and violent manner without cutting back on the story! Originally I was hoping for some more exploding heads, but the lack of such scenes only made the infamous "detonated Cassaba" moment that much more unique and impressive! Though Cameron did seem to be a whiny bitch at times, he's perfectly foiled personality wise by the sadistic Revok, who will kill any and all who get in his way, humans AND Scanners! After seeing this film, my opinion of Canada has improved, all because it spawned Mr. Cronenberg. Come to think of it, Canada's not so bad after all. They did give us such great comedians as Mike Myers, Norm MacDonald and those zany lads from "The Kids In The Hall"! They also have universal health care for their people, a climate that would keep the "beautiful people" out of my ass hair and no George Bush, so I could definitely see myself in the Great Northwest Territory! Besides, my bride of blood has the same idea, so I'm gonna be stuck up there eventually anyway...