30 years later, with the news of the American Godzilla re-visioning (which I still stand by as a fun movie and continue to keep my fingers crossed for a sequel), Korea decided it was time to dig up their own creation and give him the Great Satan treatment (i.e. replacing the rubber suit with CGI and replacing all the Korean actors with American ones), slapping in a token monster for him to fight (on the idea that more monsters = more $$$), toss an extra letter 'g' into the title (uhm, more 'G's = more $$$?) and shooting the whole thing in English dialogue in favor of making it more accessible for the real intended pay-off: the US Dollar. How did it turn out? Well, it's accessible to the American public alright, as you need simply stop into your local Hollywood Video rental establishment or Blockbuster franchise and pick it up under it's US release title: Reptilian... Yes, that's right, I too was shocked to look at that pathetic cover image, make a couple Gargantua jokes and toss it back to the bargain bin, only to discover it's the movie I've been eager to observe (albeit cinemasochistically) for several years now. Yeah, I know, I could've put up the $10 to buy it on VCD, but that $10 went to buy Ho-Hos™ and rent some Julie Strain softcore, and I stand by my decision... so I just ponied out another $10 I was going to use for my medications that keep me from dying... we all see how that turned out...

Anyway, the question is, was my dinero well spent on the original VCD, or would I have been better off just renting the Reptilian version? My answer? I want my $10 back... with a half-gallon of whoop ass for my troubles. I can't believe I sacrificed my life for this! All the internal suffering, the decaying of my organs, the cancerous growths in my bowels, all for nothing! 99 minutes of movie pain that makes the physical agony pale in comparison! Want a taste little boy/girl? Well, open wide, this is a pretty big chunk of crap to swallow... Despite containing a white bread cast, the director is decidedly, uhm, fried rice... it's been a long time since I've ate Korean... and she was a bitch anyway :::rimshot:::. Yes, director Hyung-rae Shim is a South Korean native (at least that's what I'm guessing) who had several movies under his belt in terms of direction and acting before this frothy mug of daikaiju bile, none of which I've ever seen, nor, as always, will I be likely to see in the near future. It all begins innocently enough, as a young woman looking to make a life for herself in the glam and glitz of the big "HOLLYWOOD" sign, gets off of a bus from Alabama and begins her strange, but incredible journey of perils, newfound love, acid rain and a special abortion sequence featuring a cameo by Ralph "Daniel-san!" Macchio! But, that's a completely different movie that hasn't made it past the dank pits of my deepest conscience yet, so I'll just get on with Yonggary.

It all begins (for real this time) as the majority of generic big monster flicks do: with a scientific expedition. The expedition in question involves a group of men delving deep into a cave (where dinosaur skeletons hang on the walls as if, I don't know, they were glued there by a stagehand?), led by noted paleontologist Professor Hughes and his ass-isstant, Dr. Campbell. Somewhere along the quest, Hughes falls behind to light up a cancer stick while the others continue on. The prof. catches a glimpse of some kind of fossilized humanoid creature and nearly shits himself as he grunts and trips over a bone/rock/petrified fetus. About 20 yards ahead, the fat panicky idiot of the group goes into a panic (what else do you expect the panicky idiot to do?) and starts tugging on Dr. Campbell's shirt sleeve like a little boy yanking momma's dress for a new toy while she's chatting up the stock boy. Desperate over the idea that the professor may be injured, Chubby Von Lardicus suggests they all go back the 20 yards to check on him. This isn't the bad part though. The bad part comes from Campbell, who replies, "We've come to far to go back now!", unwilling to take the 30 seconds to go back and check on his mentor, nor the 3 seconds it would take to yell back, "Yo Prof! You okay?!", as they've come "too far to go back now"... It's not as if they just crossed a crumbling wooden bridge over a 40ft deep pit filled with vipers, so what's the big deal?!?! They're taking more time arguing over it than if they were to actually go back and see if Hughes is okay! Why not at least send Fatty back if for no other reason than to get his the fuck out of the way! Oh wait, Fatty's got other uses...

While Hughes explores his stoned friend further (reminds me of my roommate), Campbell and crew find what they've been looking for: a glowing vein in the cave walls. Yeah, I could make a lot of phallic jokes based on the concept of a "glowing vein", but I'll hold off, as this movie's a big enough joke as it is without my help. When Fatty *whack*s the pulsing bedrock with his pick-axe, a heavy backdraft ignites, swallowing the fools with CGI fire and disintegrating all of them except for Campbell, who escapes with a dinghy face and some sizzled nut hairs. Whereas most guys in that situation would say something like, "Oh... my... God..." or "Dude!" (depending on the amount the studio's willing to spend on the actor), Campbell simply stands there in awe, shit-eating grin on his face as he belts out one of the most pathetic "maniacal tyrant" laughs this side of a "Dudley-Do-Right" cartoon. Either he gets a better laugh or I'm gonna be the one laughing... and not in the maniacal way neither. From this happy opening sequence, we're dragged 2 years into the future, where an alien spacecraft fills the screen "Darth Vader's ship at the opening of Star Wars" style, just like every other b-movie-with-a-spaceship ripoff. Are you getting a terrible, itching, burning Zarkorr! The Invader sensation between your shoulders like I am? Is that natural? Oh, you've got it between your legs? Okay, I think it's time you sat somewhere else...

Meanwhile, on the big blue marble, Campbell's leading a crew of illegal Mexican immigrant workers in the exhuming of a massive dinosaur skeleton "50 times the size of a T-Rex". This is later unfounded though, as I'd say the beast tops out at no more than MAYBE twice the size of a T-Rex, nowhere NEAR 50. And this guy's a scientist? Such blatant disregard for the facts does NOT sit well in my book you bastard! Come to think of it, I guess no one really cared about the deaths of Fatty and the other members of Campbell's team from the original expedition... Back in space, the aliens (who look like the slightly-more-animated cousins to the Satan puppet from Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare and happen to speak English) have a little fun and start popping off communication satellites and stray shuttles. Just like rednecks, no wonder they abduct so many people from the heartland. Back to the dig site, the "missing for 2 years" Professor Hughes shows up to play the film's "crazy old doomsayer", warning everyone of the great dangers that will come to pass if they don't stop diggin' them bones and get back to making burritos and selling oranges by the freeway! As with all characters of his archetype though, Hughes's rants are passed on as being just that, and everyone gets back to their 30˘/hr jobs. This of course leaves the big iron lid off the monster movie cauldron for more diseased ingredients and expired preservatives to be added to the stew. And when several border hoppers wind up dead, fried, impaled and deceased from various "accidents" caused by alien interference? Why, Campbell shuts everybody's word-holes by stuffin 'em with some more of that Capitalist lettuce! Oh, and just a warning, the term "lettuce" is just that, a term, as dollars don't taste like lettuce at all, nor do they hold any of the edible properties of the leafy greens. Trust me, all that ink's not good for you.

Using more of their amazing alien abilities to alter and generate images on film, the out-of-towners zap the dino bones, causing them to begin cellular regeneration, meaning we might finally have a monster movie on our hands soon! Wahoo! Elsewhere, while grabbing a bite and something to wash it down with at a local booze hole, Campbell's now-ex-intern Holly is confronted by the "Crazy" Hughes who wants to talk to her about aliens, a monster named 'Yonggary' and the authenticity of "The X-Files". To do so though, he requires that they talk "in private", i.e. 5 feet away from the bar and at a table that's CLOSER to the extras perusing the set... Hughes tells Holly of his summer love with a Shaman who introduced Professor H to the legend of Yonggary and the joys of cooking in women's clothing. The professor learned of the hieroglyphics that wallpaper 'Gary's cave and of the monster's extra-terrestrial owners. Of course, being a "scientist" and all, Holly needs little more proof beyond the ramblings of an old man as told to him by an older man, so she joins Hughes in his mission to stop the dig. However, after a 200 million year cat-monster nap (and about 40 minutes of movie time), the aliens kick their plan into 2nd gear and Yonggary lives again! First impression? The guy looks like Zarkorr(!) with plastic costume armor from the corner $.99 store... but it's not plastic, cuz he's made entirely out of badly shaded, amateurly done computer graphics! Ah, the digital age, don't ya just revile it?

Anyway, no sooner is the big lizard waltzing around and stretching his limbs from that long snooze, then his owners teleport him away to who-knows-where, leaving the US military as hapless and confused as always, heads square up their asses. What do you expect when one of the guys in charge is named "Boom Boom"? So, Yonggary soon materializes elsewhere in the desert, where he's besieged by a flock of US military choppers heading south for the winter. The high-tech military warfare technology (every last badly formed pixel... yes, they too are made on somebody's iMac™) is reduced to smoking rubble though, courtesy of 'Gary's great strength, plastic armored (yet so smooth and silky to the touch) hide and projectile nacho cheese napalm vomit, uhm, I mean, his "flame breath". No sooner has he swatted all the flies though, then his interplanetary owners slap the leash on him again and turn him into free floating molecules, so as to take him to his next target: Los Angeles... yes, the California city, not, uhm, some Mexican angels... cuz "Los Angeles" means something about angels... fuck it, this movie's far from being worth the effort anyway. On the military "intelligence" side of things, the writers try to capture that all important "paranoid 'X-Files' geek factor" by introducing a monster of a man who's literally the biggest dork you're likely to ever see. The 7ft refugee from the D&D society reveals that he works for a government agency so hush-hush that not even the president knows about it... probably because he was too busy sodomizing fat college chicks with stogies when this was all going on...

King Dorkus the First also says that his little gathering of four-eyed researchers have known about the existence of the aliens and their influences on Earth for at least 6 months, something that gets the grunts' panties in a bunch, even though they probably would've just laughed the whole story off 6 months earlier. As for 'Gary, he's making his mark on the sunset strip, busting buildings (a CGI monster smashing cardboard models... I think I'm gonna be sick) and leaving wreckage in his wake. As for the PD, their shotguns and racially motivated gross abuse of their authority prove no match for our monster, who just refuses to blend in with the shadows the night brings, sticking out like a sore (albeit blurred) thumb. Is my Diabetes taking over? Are there cataracts forming over my eyes? WHY DOES YONGGARY JUST SEEM TO GET MORE AND MORE BLURRED AS THE MOVIE GOES ON?! Maybe it's from all that dematerializing he's been up to as of late... The Air Force's attempts to deter the beast serve only to prove that their budget needs a shot in the ass in the target practice department, because these goofs do a lot more damage to the buildings than they do to the monster, missing him by near miles with their barrage of missile fire! Sure, and when I blow up office buildings it's considered "terrorism", but these guys can chalk it up to "considerable losses" and get the taxpayers to cover the bill. Guess I need a signed permission slip from Uncle Sam before I do my 4th of July activities... To excuse their incompetence, the pilots make claims of an alien "forcefield" around 'Gary that scrambled their targeting systems, using the old US military strategy of dodging responsibility for their actions.

Whatever the truth, 'Gary's sent back to the bench by his wobbly-headed coaches until the next inning, while Holly and the Professor ("and Marry-Ann...") decipher the hieroglyphics found in Yonggary's 200 million year-old bedroom. According to the alien graffiti (sans Harrison Ford), there's mention of a second "light" should the first "light" (Yonggary) fail to destroy the world, basically saying there's a second monster on the way should 'Gary be defeated. Hmmmm, not only do they leave behind warnings of their plans, but they also leave behind warnings of their contingency plan, should plan A be stopped... so much for the element of surprise, whether on the aliens' part for destroying the human race or on the writers' part for trying to leave any kind of surprises for the audience to be subjected to... Oh, and the hieroglyphics also mention that Yonggary can be stopped by destroying the control diamond planted on his forehead, which is like putting a self-destruct coin slot on the front of your doomsday device with a big sign that says "coin-op self destruct, please insert 25˘"! The next scene of the movie takes that flying leap into "bad video game" territory, as Yonggary reappears in the desert once more, only to be attacked by the US military's newest weapon: guys with jetpacks. Is this Yonggary, or did the cameras drift over to the set of Contra: The Movie!? Oh, and sorry to those of you not wise in the ways of video games, as that last Contra reference may have left you slack-jawwed.

The aliens' "forcefield" is apparently useless against laser cannon fire, as the flying grunts (long lost cousins to the North American Flying Nun) have no problem getting their pops off on the towering action figure, not that they seem to have any real effect. Before they can target that coin-op self destruct though, 'Gary evaporates once more, sent back to the city (which seems oddly full of life and bustling with activity for a place that's been evacuated) to cause some more property damage. It's here that he fares far better against the human gnats, swatting down all but one with his fists and flying dairy spew. This last soldier, the broken record (and sadly, that record happens to be "The Worst One-Liners And Catch Phrases Volume 2") known as O'Neil decides it's time to put the horse to pasture and set the stove on "high" by going kamikaze, turning his 'pack to '11' and making a nose-dive head long into the glorified walkie-talkie on the monster's head, destroying it instantly. Down below, looking on in horror, O'Neil's commanding officer curses "He's STILL standing?!"... No sir, actually, he's dead, as a flesh and bone man missile has succeeded in destroying what heavy gun fire and several warheads have failed to scratch... okay sir, time to close that gaping mouth of yours before the squirrels start nesting... Enter the Air Force once more, who STILL can't get off a good shot on the proverbial "broad side of a barn" despite the fact the aliens' "forcefield" has disappeared along with their control diamond. Actually, it's Yonggary who has to save the people from the military, catching falling architecture dropped by more off-target firepower.

This "heroic" act get 'Gary officially labeled as being "on our side", so all attacks against him are called off. Whatever side he's really on, the aliens aren't amused with this latest turn of events, so they send that aforementioned "second light" down to Earth to show Yonggary what they do to deserters in this outfit. Plan B is named Cyker, and consists of a bad computer amalgamation of Gamera and a scorpion, not unlike those "what if they had a kid?" segments on "Late Night With Conan O'Brien". While these two get acquainted in daikaiju fashion, the story back at US military HQ sees the X-Phile holding everyone hostage (with a communications jamming device?!) until he's stomped stupid by a grunt half his size. He could've been 30ft tall and he'd still have gotten his ass kicked. Why? Because he's a nerd and the nerds don't win when things get physical. Back in LA, the fight's far from intense or engaging, as one bitmap tosses the other bitmap around and vice versa, until the one digital smear known as Yonggary decapitates his opponent (whose head turns to rubber after it's detached?!) and fills Cyker's resultant neck hole full of nacho death, blowing him into a billion pixels. As for the aliens, having suffered a pair of big losses during their first appearance in 200 million years, they make like the Millennium Falcon's pants and split into hyperspace, afraid to be around when 'Gary "realizes his true strength", hopefully not in a sequel... or at least not a Korean made sequel... As for the monster in question, he's all tuckered out from his fight with Cyker the electric turtle crab, so the government hails him a cab and sends him to a deserted island to adjust to the 21st century. And let's hope he stays there for another 200 million years! Oh well, at least he doesn't have to live under the Bush-Cheney dictatorship...

Though this Video Compact Disc embodiment of the essence of TRUE movie crap was forged with the intention of cashing in on the American Godzilla (and even goes so far as to say that, in comparison to Yonggary, "Godzilla's a pussy"), it comes nowhere near it's proposed target. Whereas the American Godzilla was made of state-of-the-art computer animation, Yonggary was the product of some sloppy FX work that just makes those on syndicated fantasy shows like "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" and "The Secret Adventures Of Jules Verne" look like Jurassic Park. The lighting physics are pathetic and our titular world destroyer looks like he's made of clunky grey plastic the entire time. It's way past time for the nation of Korea to upgrade their FX programming, which means it might be time to move up from that Pentium 1™... unless they plan to make their own sequel to the 1993 instructional video of TSR™'s Dragon Strike board game... and 50 H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. points to anyone who knows/remembers what the fuck Dragon Strike was! Zombie Jeezus on a rocket powered vibrator, the shit I think of when trying to keep Yonggary from rotting my brain stem...

The acting is the other side to this coin... but then it would be like calling Yonggary a two-headed quarter, as both sides are the same all around: as appealing as a flaming Q-tip™ shoved into your ear. I don't know if this was all done on the first take, or if the cast was actually TRYING to act as badly as the dubbing in the original Yongary: Monster Of The Deep for some kind of twisted Bizarro world mind fuck, or if the director just wanted to make a bunch of American pigs look like bigger asses than they would any other day. Whatever the excuse, well, there IS no excuse. I feel I've said more than enough about how this movie doesn't work, and since there's NO way in which it does work, I'll finish this lame equine off. In closing, I'd just like to say that this has been one of the most painful viewing experiences of my long movie watching life, and I can find no better reason to lobby for the total annihilation of South Korea... and North Korea, just to be safe, because only the Koreans could take "...more dead bodies than a Tarantino flick and a 200 million year-old big ass lizard" and make it into a bad thing.