Of all the horrors I've seen, including Zombie Lake , Attack of the Killer Refrigerator and even Master of Evil, nothing comes as close to the DefCon5 that is Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare as Zombie '90: Extreme Pestilence does. Is it worse? Is it possible that the Germans have managed to manufacture a bio-weapon of cinema that no one, not even the sadists of Canada can outdo? Hold onto your seats kiddies, cuz we're about to test the limits of our very sanity...

First of all, I'd like to remind everyone that this is a German film. The quality of the film is that of Redneck Zombies, so I instantly thought that this might play out equally as hilarious as Pericles Lunes' documentary into the world of undead hillbillies... I was wrong, very wrong, very very wrong, very very very... well, you get the idea. Whereas Redneck Zombies was ripe with hilarious lampoonings of rural society and backwoods stereotypes, all heightened by the terribly low production values, Zombie '90 instead lacks the humor and tries to play itself seriously. The torture begins when a military cargo plane crashes down in the middle of nowhere, the outbacks of Germany. Though the contents are radioactive, the government says that there's nothing to worry about and all is good in the world. However, not far from the crash site a man is treated at a hospital for what appear to be bites, possibly from a human being... or something that used to be a human being... or a human being in bad Halloween make-up... Either way, the local media "swarm" the hospital with talk of radioactive zombies and accusations of government cover up. Okay, stop right there Tickle Me Elmo, because I gotta mention these "media" figures. I don't know much about German culture, but from this film I'd have to say that the media is equal to that of an American high school news staff. These "reporters" are just snot-nosed German punk kids in jean jackets and Wranglers! What is this, Action News For Kids?! And for Fulci's sake, it just gets worse...

An autopsy/dissection/surgical procedure is done on the body in question, as a small contingent of medical professionals (basically a gang of extras in operating scrubs) cut the man open and harvest his organs... which aren't connected to his body by anything... no wonder the guy's dead, he's got some serious problems with his digestive system! Nothing's attached! It's like somebody just stuffed him full of pig guts or something... a rare birth defect in-fucking-deed. Suddenly, Mr. "I don't need a network of functioning organs to survive" sits up and tugs open his own stomach incision before a jive talking physician pulls out his gatt and busts a cap in the dude's dome... in simpler terms, he shoots the ghoul in the face. Actually, he doesn't shoot anything, there's a *BANG* sound, and there's a hole in the monster's head, but the gun never actually fires or shows any signs of kickback... the guy just holds it still... they can't even afford a couple blanks to make it look the slightest bit real?! You can't build a movie on sound FX! If you think it sounds bad so far, well, the opening credits haven't even rolled at this point... Speaking of opening credits, when they do finally hit the screen we see that the people responsible couldn't even spell the word "Technician" right, as they chose to leave out the second 'i', spelling it "Technican"... I want to cry right now, I really do.

Okay, I've regained my composure, so let's march onward. The funk talkin' doc with the firearm (who I will refer to as "Dr. Funk" for his jive turkey accent) informs us that Germany is apparently overrun with the undead. I guess the government's done a Hell of a job covering the whole situation up too, since the ghouls seem to roam around undetected until they attack someone. Must be some kind of German intelligence operation involving subliminal messages beamed through television... or maybe everyone in Germany's just a naive dumbass. Either way Dr. Funk has taken an apprentice under his wing (and probably under his scrotum) to turn into an unstoppable zombie hunter like himself... Ash he ain't. The sidekick is a whiny, high-pitched, mustachioed, incompetent fat ass of a man, who I will call "Dr. Poppin' Fresh", or "Dr. P" for short. These "slayers" (not exactly an appropriate word for these jackasses, but it'll have to do) now devote their time and bullets to tracking down the zombie menace and cutting them down one-by-one the old Romero way: destroy the brain... just like 95% of zombie movies since Night of the Living Dead have all been... I could use a nice change of pace from this... say a running pace... like that of the ghouls in Return of the Living Dead... a far superior movie...

While doctors Funk and P get better acquainted, one of their hapless countrymen is chainsawed to death by a mad zombie psycho on an out-of-the-way rural road. And yes, if you think those organs the zombie's eating look familiar, then you're not alone, because I'm guessing they're the same props used for the first zombie's self-exploratory surgery scene. And what's worse, THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE HUMAN INTESTINES! I'm gonna have a fucking breakdown, I swear.

The next attack is on a fat chick in a sauna (whose voice-over was obviously done by a man), who gets her tit hacked off. After removing the tit (which appears to be made of a hard plastic), the zombies then eat the coiled up tubular meat inside... I never knew tits resembled small rolled up intestines beneath the surface... The monsters then munch Miss Fatty's skinny friend, who not only has a bush that resembles a bad toupee, but thanx to the terrible dubbing job it appears she can scream in two completely different pitches at the exact same time. Then again, perhaps she's mastered that whole "circular breathing" method or whatever that shit is Bobby McFarin does. Back to Dr. Funk and Dr. P, they're hacking up a cadaver Funk swiped, so they can maybe find out just what it is that's responsible for the undead. And whoever's playing the cadaver sure isn't afraid to show off his schnitzel on camera! Possibly urged on by thoughts of homosexual necrophilia, Dr. Funk theorizes that the zombies are the result of that downed cargo plane, which was carrying a government created cure for AIDS gone wrong, hence the whole cover up of the zombie situation.

After making this guess, the duo get a visitor at their lab's window. It's their old pal Sam the Gardener, and he's been transformed into the walking dead, isn't that a nice surprise! As with all ghouls though, Funk simply draws his pistol, aims, and blows a hole in Sam's skull. Once again a loud firing sound is heard, once again blood flows from the target's head, and once again there's no kickback or other signs of the actual gun being fired. Not only that, but I'm convinced the gun is magical, because not only does the ghoul get shot in the head, but the window he's standing behind is unaffected by the "bullet". Could it be that Dr. Funk actually has a psychic ability to make people's heads rupture and just carries the gun as a cover up so no one will know? Probably not. Could it be that I'm actually making the excuses for the movie more entertaining than the movie itself yet again? Yes.

Packing up their guns and their magic bullets that can bend reality and twist the time and space continuum (the same kind I used on JFK), Dr. Funk and his little bitch sidekick Dr. P head out to exact some righteous executions on the living dead. They go to the site of the plane crash to search for any clues or evidence that might help them in proving Dr. Funk AIDS cure theory... and it just came to me that Dr. Poppin' Fresh looks like Booger from the Revenge of the Nerds movies!

Anyway, while searching the crash site, Dr. P notices a rancid scent in the air, like the decay of death, or undeath, provided there is such a word. I suggest Dr. P get his gas mask checked, because if he's smelling something other than canned oxygen and rubber, then he's in serious trouble. Of course that stench harks the arrival of a zombie death squad, here to eat our heroes. Dr. Funk turns German action star though, kicking zombie ass and spraying infected blood everywhere. As for Dr. P, he shows us that he too has a gun with magic bullets... Meanwhile, a couple makes out in a nearby car, at least I think they're making out. All I can hear is something that sounds like two balloons being rubber together, I'm guessing that supposed to be the sound of lips kissing. Whatever they're doing, they stop short when the guy has to take a shit and investigate a mysterious sound outside. Believe you me, nothing drives a woman wilder than talking to her in graphic detail about how bad you have to pinch a loaf. Maybe in Germany Herr Buttplug, but not around here... well, not much around here. The shitter is eliminated though, when a zombie chestburster (!?) keeps him from the excretion he so richly desires.

The next victims are a couple and their plastic doll, oops, I mean, "their precious baby", who are all ripped apart and chewed on. As for the deadly doctor duo, they run into another zombie encounter after barely escaping their last one. This time Dr. Funk gets out of his car and gives a zombie a fatal handjob that would make Lorrena Bobbitt look like Housewife of the Year! Unfortunately for Dr. Funk though, his trusty sidekick was infected by the undead back at the crash site and it's up to Funk to machete the whiny lard butt to oblivion. One thing you have to give the Germans credit for, they apparently manufacture some DAMN large butcher knives! Even without Dr. P by his side, Dr. Funk carries on his one man crusade of destruction and bad jokes with a horribly pieced together chainsaw sequence (one minute he's covered in gore, the next he and his chainsaw are squeaky clean, then they're covered again). In the middle of his rampage though, Dr. Funk trips and falls down a hill, barely keeping from cutting himself in half before being knocked unconscious... even though he never hits his head to begin with. While passed out, Funk has a nightmare about zombies (which he mistakes as being Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix), decay, his parents' home and running out of TP at a most inopportune time.

When he awakens he's mauled and the zombies have taken over... or have they, considering the "To Be Continued..." claim at the end. Then again, somehow I doubt this has or ever will be continued.

Everything in this film was inexcusably bad. I don't mean good bad, like in a Troma kinda way, I'm talking bad in the "I'd rather have a vasectomy without anaestetic than watch this again" bad. Adreas Schnaas, the director, is also responsible for the underground gore favorites Violent Shit 1-3, Cannibal 2000 and Goblet of Gore. These were probably all self-produced, since I don't think many people would be sucker enough to front cash for any of this guy's work. I'd have to guess that the guys responsible for the dubbing took liberties on the project, since I don't recall knowing many tall, lanky white German guys who talk like circa-1970's pimps, nor do I think they'd be referring to popular 1960's American rock idols like Morrison and Hendrix. However, despite the bad dubs, I'm no doubt assured that the bad fight choreography, camera work, gore FX and mannerisms are all 100% the result of German manufacturing. The gore was really sad, and the logistics of the decapitations dumbfounds me. Most tragic? One man's head is knocked clean off by a zombie swinging a sledgehammer. Emphasis on the "clean", as the severing of the cranium is so smooth and clean you'd think the head was pre-decapitated and simply knocked off instead of being torn off...

The bottom line? The country of Germany has been the site of many tragedies over the years. Until now the Holocaust of the Jews during World War 2 was the worst (I still haven't gotten my overtime check for that fiasco... come to think of it, I haven't received ANY checks in a while...), but I think they now have a new, more permanently scarring disgrace that they'll never be able to shake: Zombie '90: Extreme Pestilence.

I'd love to sit here and rant some more on how insipid this film is, but I gotta try out this new shipment of magic bullets the mailman delivered today. Besides, just typing this review makes me feel like worms are burrowing through my grey matter, so it's over.