Here, we offer you proof that we actually DO go to class, and also a little glimpse of what a $33,335 a year education sounds like (somehow, I feel like I'm definitely not getting my bang for my buck though...)
S. Gendzier: Gargantua...tells of the 250 ways of wiping your ass...gets pissed, unzips his fly, whips it out, and pees on people from the tower of Notre Dame. And he's a giant, so that's a lot of piss.
S. Gendzier: Men love rejection.
S. Gendzier: When the s--t hits your forehead, you get up off the floor and fight back.
S. Gendzier: The difference between a slut and a whore...a whore is professional.
S. Gendzier: You wanna be a success? Write about your suffering. Don't bore us with your happy life.
S. Gendzier: We did all sorts of stupid things...peeing on the state capitol of West Virginia, doing all sorts of exciting things.
S. Gendzier (view on having to make love for eternity): THAT is a severe punishment. No Chinese food. No wine. No arguments with students.
S. Gendzier: People get screwed and it's not fair.
S. Gendzier: How happy can he be making love to a stick?! I would indulge with personal experience, but I'll let that one ride.
S. Gendzier: If you fall for someone who is not good for you, don't get involved.
S. Gendzier: Go have an affair. Enjoy yourself. Women have to learn how to exploit men like men exploit women.
S. Gendzier: If you want something, don't sell yourself cheaply. Never lose dignity...and self worth.
S. Gendzier: There are different pleasures in relationships...It's not just a big fat orgasm in the sky that counts.
Class: Race & Ethnicity in the United States with 80+ year-old Professor Fuchs
L. Fuchs: I hope I'm getting through to you guys. You know, when someone loves their subject they can go on and on and on about it but they bore the hell out of everyone else.
L. Fuchs (In response to the quote: "There's nothing that we can not accomplish" from a Bill Clinton speech): What's he talking about?! You guys can't even get out of bed some days! We can't even run an election properly!
L. Fuchs: The constitution. Love it. Put it under your pillow. Take it with you on your honeymoon. Love it. Ah the constitution.
L. Fuchs: I don't know that much about it. Who the hell knows how it ended up in my book.
L. Fuchs: Anyway, I introduced you to these ideas to give you a headache.
(a girl's cell phone rings. She apologizes, and as she turns it off she announces): Aw, it was my mommy.
L. Fuchs: Then answer it! It's more important. No one on their death bed says that they wished they had spent more time in class. They wish they had spent more time talking to their mom.
L. Fuchs: A few years ago, Al Gore called me up and invited me to a dinner at his house. I brought my wife, and my brother who is far more handsome and intelligent than me I might add. Lucky me, I was seated next to Tipper... what a knock out she is! Jesse Jackson said grace, and boy does that man talk a lot. Grace must have lasted 15 minutes. But, the Reverend had us all hold hands with our neighbors so I got to hold hands with Tipper for 15 minutes! My brother, who has always been more of the lady's man, was SO jealous!
Class: French Literature with Professor Gendzier
S. Gendzier (on the first day of class): I'm telling you now, when I'm in a good mood my grading reflects it, so you guys are in luck. I've got a new grandson, and my tennis backhand is unstoppable. Things can't be better for me, so things can't be better for you.
S. Gendzier (to Lex as she turned in the last French paper she will ever have to write): Congratulations! Now go get yourself a suave French boyfriend, have fun, and thanks for a good semester.
Class: Astronomy with Professor Wardle
Prof Wardle: So just to get an idea, how many of you have not been up in the observatory yet?
(roughly half the class raises their hand)
(A random theater major stands up and declares in a deep, theatrical voice): Ha ha ha, you are all FOOLS!!!
Prof Wardle (in a very serious voice): So I have reviewed the course evaluations I had you fill out. Many of you said that you like the class website, others said that they like the videos I've shown. One person commented that they would like cookies in class. (After making a somewhat angered face, he proceeded to pass out cookies to the class of roughly 150 students.)
Class: Existential Sociology with Professor Hayim
G. Hayim: How many of you were not here last time? And how many of you were here last time but are not here this time? That doesn't quite work now does it?
G. Hayim: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do the reading for the class! If you want, call me and I will come to your bedside and read to you!
G. Hayim: "I would give up my freedom for love." What would Sartre say about that? He would say "NO!!!" That is how people become pimps!
Class: Creative Writing Workshop with Professor Coroniti
J. Coroniti: Holy sonnets Batman!
Professor E. Dudek (in response to Han's e-mail about how she NEEDED to switch out of the chem class she was in): Han, I would like to haul you out of the depths of despair.
Dean J. Playter (the pre-med dean in a pre-med newsletter): To first year students:...Do well in chemistry...Being premed should not be all hard work.
Class: American Healthcare: Law and Policy
L. Stookey: Be systematic and thoughtful bitches.
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