Chill Factor (Warner Bros., R)
Starring Skeet Ulrich and Cuba Gooding Jr.
Rating:
Zero stars - You are better off watching a marathon of "Undressed" on MTV.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines cliche as "a trite expression or idea." While it is hard to find a movie that does not fall into this dreaded trap once in a while, movies like "Chill Factor" become so full of cliches that the only enjoyment which can come from watching such a movie is from groaning at the abusrdities.
Cuba Gooding Jr. and Skeet Ulrich star in a movie that takes elements of "Speed," "The Chase" and even "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" and combines them to form the stew that everyone looks at but no one tries at a wedding reception.
The fun begins with a secret project on a faraway island that only the government knows about. While Dr. Richard Long (David Paymer) is experimenting with explosives, he accidentally blows up almost the entire island, save for himself and the military leader of the operation, Capt. Andrew Brynner (Peter Firth). The fallout from the explosion that killed 18 civilians is steep. Brynner is sentenced to 10 years in military prison while Dr. Long deals with the tragedy and tries to live a normal life.
Ten years pass and the years of solitude have made Brynner a man seeking revenge. He organizes a group of misfits to help steal the explosive from a research facility and kill Long in the process. The plan goes off without a hitch, except for the fact that Long escapes with a wound and the explosive. In the longest death soliloquy this side of Shakespeare, Long explains to friend Tim Mason (Skeet Ulrich) and the ice cream delivery man Arlo (Cuba Gooding Jr.) that they must keep the explosive out of Brynner's reach and below 50 degrees, otherwise a nuclear blast of tremendous cost will occur.
Sounds Oscar worthy, eh? It is hard to think what was going through Cuba's mind when he looked at the script and agreed to be the star. Did he really want to team up with Ulrich, a cross between Johnny Depp and Gavin Rossdale of Bush? Did he need the money? He surely could have done a few more Pepsi One commercials if he needed a little pocket change, rather than harm his career with this stinker.
Sometimes a movie with a non-existant or a Swiss cheese plot can become redeemable with quality acting performances. Unfortunately, the script must have demanded that nothing rise above its poor quality. There is no on-screen chemistry between the pursued duo, and whenever they fall into danger you secretly hope that maybe this is an unconventional film with the "evil," money-grubbing bad guys prevailing in the end. This is not that movie. Alas, that would require ingenuity and a little creativity, which is nothing compared to a truck blowing up or cool scenes of radiation effects.
The weakest link in the whole horrid chain is the embarrassingly bad role of Capt. Brynner. He is never as scary as he should be, and takes a bunch of characteristics that worked in other movies to see if they could come up with the next best thing. Who could predict failure with a military-trained, jailed for 10 years maniacal dude with a crew cut? Things get so bad that after 10 years alone, he develops a bastard European accent to make all the recipients of his phone calls tremble in their boots.
The funniest part of the whole movie is of course one that wasn't meant to be. In the course of some "witty" banter, Cuba lets out a "What about me, what about Arlo?" Wait, isn't that former WCW wrestler Raven's catch phrase? Fortunately, he did not follow it up with a "That's the bottom line, because Srlo said so." Even this movie wouldn't touch that.
Please do not see this movie, and for Pete and Pete's sake do not rent this movie. It will only lead to heartache and an empty feeling in your wallet, or some cliche feeling like that.
originally reviewed 9/9/99 in the Northern Star.
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