It's all of our bizznass
by Hank Brockett
If you’ve been following for some years now, Pepsi long has convinced America to buy its products by celebrity means. From a hair-afire Michael Jackson to a lecherous Bob Dole watching Britney Spears,
The rapper Ludacris — who has contributed Roll Out (My Bizznass) and the namesake for my Hank’s Bizznassmen fantasy sports teams — found himself as the Sultan of Sweetness.
His reign lasted all of one commercial, as Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly made removing the colorful southern rapper his latest celebrated cause. O’Reilly took umbrage to some of Ludacris’ lyrics, which he alleged promoted violence and other naughty things.
After a few calls to Pepsi Co., the O’Reilly factor spelled doom for a rapper who America couldn’t trust as its soda slinger.
Fast forward to the Super Bowl. Pepsi debuts its new advertisements for Pepsi Twist, featuring the foul-mouthed Osbourne clan and a Mr. Ozzy who had done some questionable things in the past.
The O’Reilly factor? Negligible. Not a “biting” remark from the former host of schlock TV’s Inside Edition.
Music mogul Russell Simmons, though, is calling for a boycott of Pepsi products due to the double standard. He feels Ludacris — who records for Simmons’ Def Jam label — faced undo ire while the Osbournes get by with a few laughs and bleeped out expletives.
(In news reports, there’s no mention of if Simmons also was upset with the appearance of the Osmonds, who also have committed crimes (A Little Bit Country) against humanity.)
Now here’s an issue to sink your teeth into! Iraq? That’s so ... complicated. I mean, Hans Blix hasn’t come out with a decent album in years. Until MTV News does its once-a-year SERIOUS NEWS REPORT, Iraq remains a non-issue.
But as television and newspapers continue harping on the Mideast, we’re left scrounging for Ludacris-Osbournes updates in the respected media — People, E! Daily News, Access Hollywood and the tabloids. Will Ludacris name-check Sharon Osbourne in his next single? Will Jack Osbourne say not-so-nice things regarding Ludacris’ homies?
While we’re waiting for updates, the glossy pages and rosy features offer plenty of other newsworthy fair. While Lebron James gives middle America the hint that Hummers and retro jerseys are cool, there’s plenty of other news and notes regarding fashion, candid celebrity photos and the latest cute couples.
For instance, did you know that sexy Jennifer Gardner works out a lot?
That’s the kind of thing missing from the Free Press Newspapers, but have no fear. Risking both credibility and capture under privacy laws, I’ve come up with a few nuggets you won’t see on Entertainment Tonight. Mary Hart, eat your heart out.
In searching for celebrities, I began recognizance missions involving several members of the governmental communities. For instance, there are several blurry photos of Braidwood Mayor Harvey Taylor entering a certain Chinese restaurant he’s known to frequent. Scandalous!
In Coal City, certain members of the community said — anonymously — that if the key to popularity is putting up time-and-temp signs, re-election is guaranteed with one on every block. Outrageous!
Multiple sources also have confirmed that while it seems Wilmington political leaders sometimes don’t get along, they all gather on Friday nights for games of Yahtzee and euchre. And we have the pics to prove it!
Questions about what people were wearing on the red carpet for inaugurations weren’t answered easily. Most politicos still are deciding on designers and may wait until the night before in unveiling the goods. But leave it to Word of Mouth to shoot down that nasty rumor regarding the whole Elwood Village Board wearing those Lara Flynn Boyle tutus. You heard it here first!
All this news comes at a price — an especially painful one because space considerations prevent me from printing the photos in question. I’ve accumulated a broken nose, a leg cramp and one especially damaging blow.
Multiple readers were wondering if the rumors were true regarding Kathy (K. Bro) Brockett, assistant superintendent for curriculum at Wilmington schools. In an exclusive interview, she set the record straight.
“My son? I stopped reading his columns a long time ago. I don’t think I even know him anymore. He’s just ludicrous.”
Ludacris? I wish.