by Hank Brockett
"We've spent way too long pouring our hearts and souls into this project," said Hal Mendes, research coordinator at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
The announcement came as a surprise to most observers, especially given the manpower invested. Although financial resources were reserved for other, more prudent endeavors in the wake of NASA's refocusing efforts, many of the astronomers on hand for the press conference said their hearts told them to move on.
The ISR cluster stands for International Star Registry, a seldom-seen star cluster located about 1 million light years from Orion's Belt. Since its discovery in 1979, scientists have repeatedly attempted to see if the cluster's 850,000 stars, such as "Haley McReynolds" and "Samantha Stevenson," contained signs of life. Despite many drunken, late night glimpses into the cloudless nighttime sky, the cluster revealed nothing.
"It wasn't always like that, you know," said Gene Frimble, associate professor of astronomy at UCLA. "You can ask the men at every telescope this side of Greenland - at first glance these stars once burned as bright as a thousand supernovas."
Astronomers first were drawn to the cluster due to the unique lifecycle of its stars. Access to the Hubbell Telescope revealed that each star appeared to burn much brighter than its actual luminescence. Some critics and even friends of the astronomy community believe the star-gazers falsely convinced themselves of something that clearly didn't exist.
"They just wanted to see something, anything, out there, instead of the dark, soul sucking blackness of space that blankets us all," said Chris Cromer, a friend of Frimble's.
Instead of moving on to more socially acceptable astronomical fascinations such as the moon and Mars, many astronomers took the step of naming the stars, in the faint hope that such names could somehow aid in their search. At a cost of $54 plus shipping and handling, each star was given a name.
"We thought it was a bargain, really," said James Samuelson, one of the first to seek out the naming rights. "It came at such a low juncture in our search for solar systematic life, I would have just blown it on Cheetos and boxed wine anyway."
Astronomers soon discovered, however, that their stars did not revert to the burning fires of 200 million degrees Centigrade usually associated with the red giant phase. Many, in fact, blinked out without even a hint of the predicted supernovas.
Although ISR data comes directly from the naming rights consortium, fact-checking those figures proved problematic for this paper. Critics of the program say most of the documentation taking the form of a 12 inch-by-16 inch parchment certificate lies unfiled in closets and partially obscured by Lou Bega posters and old birthday cards.
When contacted for this story, star-named Haley McReynolds confirmed the lack of life-sustaining elements on her celestial counterpart.
"Frank? Frank, you say? No, that doesn't ring any bells," she said.
While Tuesday's announcement proved emotional, no tears were shed on the Webcam-linked conference call. Many of the astronomers on hand said it was a doomed idea anyway, the product of youthful recklessness and flawed reasoning.