Me.

A nurse is always what I wanted to be, ever since I was little it was all I could imagine being. And now I've put it all at risk because of what I am: a slapper, a tart however you want to put it. I threw myself at the first good-looking bloke that showed an interest in me, and this is where it got me. I've used all my friends and nearly killed one of them and now according to Anna my whole future is in the hands of someone I barley know. It's not the first time I've risked it all over some bloke I was keen on. Remember Shaun? I do, there isn?t a day that goes by where I don?t think about him, Tina and my baby. Innocent people always get hurt when I mess things up. I've already lost one best friend over a guy and now I'm loosing another. I mean me and Tina still talk, I get the odd letter and phone call every now and again but it isn't the same. Even when she was here at Holby I felt her drifting away from me. I may be forgiven but she'll never forget. I can't believe I was so gullible and such a bimbo that I just believed Jason. I thought he loved me, I needed him to love me but he obviously didn't.

Maybe I'll always be like this. I'll just fall for someone and then block the rest of the world out. Not care what happens to anyone else as long as I get my man. I keep looking for someone else to blame for this horrid person I am that I never used to be. But I always come back to the same person to blame: me.

I can see myself in ten, maybe twenty years time sitting in the waiting room of a+e waiting for a nurse to look for some imaginary illness I don?t have and then telling them that when I was a nurse I could have done it better. I wont know any body there any more as they'll all have moved on, settled down and had families and I'll be the only one left. Jut me, with no best friend, no job, no boy friend and no one else to blame but me.

Story set just after chloe left Casualty. series16. Again: characters belong to BBC. Just borrowing them.

'IT'

It came and went. It was only there for about a month but it changed her life forever. She should have had it done properly, but it's so easy to say that now. So many things she would change, do diffrently, if given half the chance. She would have had the best treatment if she'd done it at all. But she had been young and it cost money to have the best treatment, money a young student doctor just didn't have. She could have borrowed it or stolen it but she never thought of that at the time. Plus that would mean telling people of her dirty little secret, the one she'd rather keep to herself. Even know, all these years on. She hadn't told anybody. There were no congratulations, no shocked faces and no support. She had gone through it alone. And had carried the burden of her 'it' alone for all this time. Because that's all it was: all it was called. Just an 'it' or at best a 'thing'. Something that never ammounted to anything. Never given the chance to. Only there for a while then thrown away. Like a broken toy: not needed and not wanted. She could have been happy with it. Made a new life. She would have what she'd wanted ever since, what she couldn't have any more. This it, what she had done to it, meant she had no second chance. She appologised, cried, begged and begged for forgivness in the safety of her own room. Cursed herself for her stupidity at throwing it all away but nothing she did made any difference. Now she was paying for what she had done. Never have what she longed for, what she needed. Never have the thing she lied away picturing, crying for and hoping for. Wasted all her wishes on it but she could still never have that family. Never have a baby and never be a mother. She'd thrown all her chances away over an it: but it wasn't really an it. Not really. Really it was a baby. The only baby she'd ever have.