Patrick holds Holly's hand so tightly as she sleeps and it's obvious that this man has nothing. Nothing except hope. And now they all saw why he couldn't accept it when the doctors told him that she was going to die because if he accepted that fact then he would have to accept that he had nothing in his life- and that was one thing he didn't want to do. He smiled at her and asked the doctors and nurses if they could have some time alone now that they'd done all the tests on her that he thought humanly possible, they nodded sympathetically and walked out, not before informing Patrick that they would have to come back and do more tests in a few hours once the blood samples had come back from the lab. Patrick agreed because he had always known that this was going to happen, he was a brilliant doctor, he knew what theses doctors were going to do even before they themselves knew it. As soon as the door had shut behind them and Patrick was curtain that the doctors had gone he sat down again and let a few tears of despair fall from his eyes: no amount of hope could stop him seeing what was going on and even though he knew Holly would keep on fighting her way through it he couldn't help but, deep inside, fear the worst. He once again felt that squeeze on his fingers that he had before and when he looked up Holly's unblinking eyes were open and staring at him.
"Pat...rick?" She managed to croak after a second or two.
"Yes Hol, I'm here. Patrick's here." He smiled through his tears, knowing that someone out there liked him.
"No." She replied weekly. "Who's feeding Patrick?" He gave her a bemused smile; hoping that she wasn't brain damaged or anything horrid like the doctors had said that might have happened as a result of the tumour. He had frightful visions of her being in pain and never being able to speak her mind or work ever again.
"Holly? What do you mean?" He asked as he gripped her hand the way a drowning man grips a piece of rope.
"The cat Patrick. Has anybody fed my cat?" Holly asked in annoyance as she tried to loosen his grip on her hand as it was cutting off the blood supply. Patrick smiled a huge grin of relief as he realised that she was perfectly okay. He let out a big sigh of all the air he didn't realise he'd been holding in while she was talking.
"Why did you name your cat after me then?" He asked as he folded his arms and tried his best to give her a cold stare, but he was just in too much of a good mood and every so often the smile that he was trying to hide would creep onto his face.
"I don't know, first term of abuse I could think of." She smirked cheekily.
"I take it you're not over me then."
"I am so over you, I've always been over you." She insisted.
"Apart from, obviously, the times when you were under me." Patrick laughed.
"Obv- Oi!" Holly gasped as she realised exactly what he'd said.
"Admit it Miles, you still have a thing for me." He smiled gently at her and as she looked back into his eyes she wondered if she should describe the incredible loneliness without him and how every day she'd wished that he was here and that she could tell him how she felt but how right now she was scared that he would laugh at her, or run a mile as he had done so many times before at the first sign of commitment or tell her that there was someone else. She wondered whether she should tell him the dreams she'd been having sine she was in here about him. Where day after day he would pour his heart out too her, his distinct voice making her feel safe and loved and the faith she knew he had in her making her stronger and her pain less and less until finally she heard him say that he loved her and it was so real that she had tried to reach out and grab him, to tell him that she felt the same but she realised that she was still asleep and none of it was real. So she looked at him once more, working if she should bare her soul to him but decided instead to just say
"Okay, maybe I do have a thing for you, but only a small one. And let me guarantee you- it has nothing to do with your personality, seeing as you don't have one." Holly smiled, back on familiar ground where she didn't have to take any risks.
"That's good." He smiled. "At least we both know where we stand." The smile on his face faded and the security Holly had felt just a second ago now felt tacky and false.
"But Patrick, really... I lo-" Holly's body seemed to jump off the very bed as her eyes closed and the heart monitor gave a constant beep once she had stopped fitting. Without thinking Patrick pushed the panic button as he slumped into the chair, still clutching Holly's now lifeless hand as the tears of joy turned to tears of sorrow as they continued to form paths down his face.
"Help!" He called. "Oh Holly, come back, please. Holly..."
***
"Patrick! Time to go home." The nurse called as she tried once again to pull Patrick away from where he was stuck at Holly's side.
"No." He said stubbornly, shaking her off.
"We've been through this before: you need to go home, get changed, have a shave. Come on!"
"Just leave me alone will you, I'm not leaving Holly, not ever."
"Don't be stupid. You know she's not going to wake up at the moment, the doctors said."
"The doctors said that she would probably never wake up again and she did, didn't she? That shows what they know!"
"Her heart stopped Patrick, she had to be resuscitated, she could have died! Do you here me? You've got to accept the fact that she could die, just be grateful for those few moments you had together when she was awake before. The doctors say-"
"I don't care! She wouldn't leave me, not again. She can't go without knowing how I feel about her- it's not fair. She's a fighter you know, she'll get through this just like she's gotten through everything else life has thrown at her. With me at her side." Patrick kissed her hand gently and the nurse sighed as she turned and walked away. She knew that Patrick would sooner give up on his own life than admit Holly might not have one. For once in her life she hoped to be wrong, for the doctors to be wrong and all the experts to be wrong because she knows that if Holly dies then so does Patrick. Having worked with Holly she realises that she is the complete opposite of everything Patrick appears to be but she also sees that when they are together they complete each other and become one in a way she didn’t think existed. They had found true love and had to fight so hard to cling on to it, having every obstacle possible thrown in their way to make them trip and fall. She glances back at Patrick as she leaves, watches him for a moment, sitting hopefully by her bedside, pain in his eyes and love in his heart. If true love hurt this much then maybe she was happier alone.
He slept fitfully, dreaming dreams that were full of Holly. The first day he had ever laid eyes on her, beautiful as ever. He saw her as he had the first day of med school when she arrived, so afraid but so strong, never letting anyone see her cry. So many pictures flashed through his mind of Holly through the ages. Their first kiss, first fight, the day he realised he loved her, the day she left and broke his heart, the day she reappeared and made everything okay again. All these images came and went in a blur of colour but then after he was left with one image in his mind, one painful memory that haunted his every sleeping moment, when the monitor gives out that constant beep when her heart stopped and his broke, he could feel the nurse's hands wrapping around him, pulling him away, telling him that there was nothing he could do for her. He could see her body jumping on the bed, always there but always just out of his reach. He ran forward, desperate to hold her once more but every time he got near her she seemed to disappear out of his reach once again. He ran and ran until his legs felt like they would give way under him, until the tears that soaked his face became too much and he awoke by Holly's bedside, gasping for breath.
"Welcome back Patrick." Holly smiled as she tried to lift herself up in the bed but failed and fell back down.
"Holly! What... how?" He stuttered.
"That's a nice welcome back." Holly laughed.
"I'm sorry, I just. Wow. Are you really here or is this one of the nurse's ways of getting me to go home?"
"No Patrick, I'm really here." He beamed at her. She was really here.
"How long have you been awake? Have you seen the doctor? Why didn't you wake me?"
"One question at a time Patrick! I have been awake for two hours and six minutes, yes the doctors have seen me and I am a complete medical misery as I seem to be okay after having a brain tumour and my heart stopping and I didn't wake you because you looked so peaceful and the nurse said you had been at my side for weeks."
"I have."
"Are you okay Patrick? Are you sure it's not you who's sick? I mean, surely you have other women to chase!"
"Ouch, but I suppose I deserve it." Holly nodded. "But listen Hol, I've realised something since I've been here."
"That you really have a phobia of hospitals?" Holly giggled to try and hide her nerves at what he might say. What if he never wanted to see her again?
"Shut up and let me talk. Holly I can't stand the thought of loosing you. I know that I've been a stupid prat in the past, sleeping around with all those girls and hiding from my true feelings but now I'm telling you truthfully: I love you Holly. And the thought of you... going and never knowing how I felt about you so there, I've said it. I know that you'll probably never want to speak to me again but at least you know now." He picked up his coat and started to move from his chair but Holly grabbed him forcefully into his seat once again.
"You stupid man! Oh and you never said anything oh... I don't know whether to kill you or kiss you." She smiled, a small tear sliding down her face.
"Well the second one defiantly sounds better to me." He pulled her closer to him and just as their tingling lips touched the door was pulled open.
"Oh.. I'm sorry to interrupt..." The nurse said as she went bright red at the scene in front of her.
"It's okay Jess, go ahead." Patrick grinned; nothing could spoil his good mood he thought.
"There's a Lara Stone on the phone for you Patrick, she says it's urgent." Patrick swore under his breath and Holly could feel tears slipping down her face. How could things go so wrong so quickly?
"Who's Lara?" Holly asked shakily.
****
"Are you ready to go home now Miss Miles?" The nurse asked politely as she handed Holly her bag. Holly looked at her blankly for a moment, was she ready to go? Ready to leave this safe environment and face the world alone? No she wasn't. She wanted to scream and shout that she wasn't ready, that she couldn't be alone but she didn't.
"Of course I am, but you'll need to help me up." Holly said as she extended her hand. She hated being this weak and having to rely on other people for every little thing. She knew in time she would get stronger but right now she could barely walk for five minutes without feeling weak and dizzy. So the nurse put one arm around her and pulled her upright. Out of the corner of her eye Holly saw a tall shadow of a figure pacing outside the door. "What's he doing here?" She spat at the nurse.
"Patrick? He's been here for hours now, waiting for you to come, hoping to catch a glimpse of you, to talk to you." She explained as she glanced down at Holly. She saw the pain and the determination in her eyes.
"Well he can't. I wont. I'm not going to go out while he's out there. I'll stay here all day if necessary." The nurse looked at her in despair.
"But surely you'll..."
"I don't have to do anything, not for him. I don't owe him anything and I don't have to see him. Tell him to go, tell him to go back to his fiancé." She spat out the last word like it burnt her to say it.
"Are you sure Hol?" The nurse asked as she saw the tears rolling freely down Holly's worn face and felt her body shake with the effort of holding in the sobs that threatened to engulf her.
"I'm sure." She whispered as she nodded her head violently. "Just get rid of him." The nurse nodded slowly as she let Holly fall gently back down into the bed. Holly closed her eyes and turned her face away from where she could hear the nurse's footsteps falling and the voices muttering. Holly tried to concentrate on her rapid heartbeat and pretend none of it was happening but the sound of her heart only reminded her of how it was breaking. Piece by piece: second by second. Right now she wanted nothing more than to call to the nurse to stop and bring him back, all she wanted to do was fall into his arms and stay there forever, with nothing but her and him. But she couldn't go near him without her heart aching and she couldn't touch him without her skin burning. All she thought of when she thought of him was the fact that while he held her and opened his heart to her his heart belonged to someone else. She could no longer remember the happy times that she had lived on reliving for so long, all the happiness had been washed away and all she could think of was how he had looked away and muttered words that broke her heart and crushed her spirit.
"He's gone." The nurse said as she reappeared and Holly opened her eyes once again as she was pulled up and walked forward. The nurse had to bite down hard on her tongue to stop herself telling Holly how he had cried openly when he realised that he had ruined their last chance they had at happiness. She wanted to get Holly and shake her and say that nothing he'd done could be that bad, the no one deserved to duffer that much that they were reduced to falling to their knees in the middle of a hospital ward and begging a virtual stranger for forgiveness. She was so upset, so moved by this display that she contemplated being totally unprofessional and shouting and screaming at this sick woman in her care but one look at her face and all these feelings disappeared. The eyes that had once sparkled with all that was good in the world were now dull, vacant and glistening only with tears. Her hair that was once had been so glossy and bouncy now clung limply to the side of her head like a toddler to their parent, the smile was no longer on her face and every part of her had given up the fight. Just by looking at this shell of a woman you could tell her heart wasn't with her any more. All these weeks of fighting with machines, operations, doctors and prayers had been for nothing because without Patrick Holly had died.
"I want to go home now." She said feebly as she was dragged out of her cubical and towards the lift. Her legs shuddered as they tried to cope with the unusual task of supporting her body. She leant on the nurse and tried hard to keep up the pace.
"That's where you're going: home. Now you have to come back in five days for a check up and every week after that to make sure that you are progressing in the right direction. We have got another blood test booked for you on the 23rd and you know that you aren't allowed back to work for at least three months." Holly nodded along as it all flew over her head; all she could manage to think of was getting out of the hospital and home where no one could see her cry. "You need to rest Holly, you're not superwoman you know. Now there's a taxi waiting for you to take you back to your flat but we nee to know if there is any one who can take care of you when you get there... Is there anyone?" She asked nervously.
"No. There's no one." She replied in the same monotone that she had been speaking in ever since she heard the truth. The truth that doesn't just hurt but kills.
"No one?" Holly shook her head. "No brothers? Sisters? Parents? Friends?"
"Only child. Father died last year, mother couldn't care less any more, I'm too much like my dad and she hated him with everything she had but she felt she had to stay with him 'for the children' and seeing as I am 'the children' I am the reason she spent 29 years of her life married to a man she couldn't stand the sight of so she resented me even more. As for friends, that's a laugh! Have you seen thousands of people swarming around my bed as I nearly died? No. I suppose I would have once classed people like Amy, Tina, Charlie and Max as friends but not anymore. They've moved on, changed, none of them have tried to get in contact with me and none of them will. The only friend I ever really had I just forced to leave so like I said before: there's no one." Holly stopped as they got out of the lift and stopped at the hospital exit.
"I'm... sorry." The nurse whispered.
"Why? It's not your fault. I have my job, my flat, Eastenders and my cat. What more could a girl want?" She smiled as the taxi beeped its horn loudly to attract their attention. "Looks like my ticket out of here just arrived." She announced as she was bundled into the back seat.
"Bye Hol, stay in touch yeah?" The nurse said as she gave her the briefest of hugs and shut the door. Holly knew that soon the nurse would forget who she was and she would become another nameless patient. She realised that soon enough she would stop returning her calls and one day when she went back into hospital she would put an arm around her shoulder and guide her one way saying 'come this way, the doctor will see you shortly Mrs...?' and Holly knew that to save embarrassment on both sides she would smile and nod and correct her she was in fact 'Miss Miles' like they had never met. Holly knew all this but for just a short while it felt nice to have a friend.
Holly stepped shakily out of the taxi and gazed up at the block of flats that she called home, grateful, for once, that she had managed to get a flat on the bottom floor and didn't have to tackle numerous flights of stairs in her condition. She stumbled clumsily into the building, grabbing onto a wall to try and steady herself and stop herself falling flat on her face. Eventually she found herself stood outside flat 2b: her flat. She searched her pockets for the keys that she knew were around there somewhere and when she eventually found them in her hand she opened the door for what felt like the first time ever and she saw that the floor had been vacuumed, the way it had never been when she lived there. She walked further into the flat and saw the way all her clothes and books had been tidied away. She felt her pulse quicken and her breathing became harder and harder as memories came flooding back to her of when Tom had broken into her house and tidied it from top to bottom. She felt the same fear creeping back to her and settling in the pit of her stomach. She could smell the incense that was burning in the bathroom and feel his eyes on her. She shook her head to try and forget: to tell herself that Tom was dead and that all of that was then and this was now.
"Patrick?" She called as she wandered around the room, searching for a familiar face, even if the only one she could find belonged to her cat. "Patrick, where are you?" She shouted angrily.
"I'm right here." Came a voice from behind her, Holly screamed loudly as she turned around to face the voice. She knew that somehow Tom had come back to get her, she just knew it. He had managed to escape from hospital to torment her, she was sure that a little thing like being dead wouldn't stop him coming and finally taking her away. She held her breath as she opened her eyes and stared at the figure that stood in her doorway, learning lazily against the frame. She sighed in relief when she saw who it was.
"Patrick." She grinned despite herself. "What... I mean..."
"You called?" He asked.
"I did? Oh yeah, but I didn't mean you."
"What are you on about?"
"My cat, I was calling my cat. He's Patrick."
"Oh right, well you can't blame me for getting confused. It would be like you being in my house and me calling you and then just when you answered me going 'oh, I didn't mean you, I meant my goldfish Holly.'"
"What? I... Patrick, stop trying to change the subject will you." She said sternly. "Why are you here?"
"I thought you could do with some moral support." He smiled.
"How the hell did you get into my house?"
"I took the liberty of getting a copy done of your key when I used it to pick up your clothes."
"You did what?" She screeched.
"Hol, it's not that big a deal, it's just..."
"First you tell me you've got a fiancé and now this. You're... You're..." She faltered as she felt the splitting pain rushing through her head and she knew that she was pushing herself to far, that he was pushing her too far.
"What am I Holly? Come on Hol, I've always wanted to know." He spat.
"Patrick, I feel... I can't..." She whispered before she felt her knees buckle underneath her and saw Patrick dive to catch her to stop her crashing to the floor like a rag doll.
"Holly? Can you hear me? How are you?" Holly heard him babbling to her, she felt the padding on the sofa cushioning as she lay there trying not to move and she and she saw a black fury shape with a swishing tail wandering back and forwards.
"I can hear you." She whispered as he moved into her line of vision and pulled her hand into his.
"How do you feel?" He asked gently as he smoothed a piece of her hair out of her eyes. She smiled until she remembered and then she flinched and moved out of his reach.
"How do you think I feel? I am recovering from a brain tumour; it could still kill me you know. There will never be any guarantee when I go to sleep at night that I will wake up in the morning. My brain could stop at any moment and even if they tell me that my brain tumour has been completely cured I know that the cancer could spread to any part of my body at any time."
"I'm sorry Hol."
"I wish people would stop saying that! It's not your fault, it's no one's fault."
"Can you cope with that? The fact that you are sick and you can't blame anyone for it and that no matter how many times people sat that they are sorry it wont make any difference, none of it will help. Because I know I can't cope with any of that."
"Well you don't have to, do you? Because right now you are going to go back to Holby, back to your fiancé and never worry about me again." She said as strongly as she could while she turned her head to hide the tears that were threatening to fall.
"I can't leave you now, I wont." He said stubbornly.
"I am not having you stay here because you pity me or feel guilty. I couldn't stand one moment of that, I'd be much happier alone."
"Hol, is that what you really think? You know I l-"
"Don't!" She cried, tears spilling steadily down her face. "Stop lying to me! You only 'love' me because I'm going to die."
"Yeh, if it's easier for you to believe that then you go and pretend that I'm not for real but you and I both know that it's not the truth. You can think what you like but I'm not going to leave, you can't look after yourself."
"I know that, you think I haven't noticed that?" She paused, trying to calm herself. "Patrick?" She called quietly.
"Yeh, what is it Hol?" He asked like she was the most important person in the world.
"I'm scared." She admitted finally and Patrick put his arms around her and held her like he used to. Through the tears Holly felt a small smile flutter across her lips at the thought that things could still be like they were. Just to spoil the moment Patrick's phone started to chirp noisily.
"Sorry, I'll just see who it is." He picked up the phone and glanced at the screen. "It's the hospital, I wonder what they want." He said in a puzzled voice.
"Well answer it and you might find out." Holly laughed.
"Spiller." He said briskly as he picked up the phone. "Yeh... You what? Are you sure... Okay... Yeh, I'll be right there. Thanks." He dropped the phone to the floor and looked at Holly with shock painted all over his face. "It was the hospital." He echoed.
"I know Patrick. What is it? What's wrong?"
"It's Lara. She was involved in an RTA, they just brought her in."
"Oh my god, is she going to be okay?"
"I don't know, they wouldn't say." He rubbed his forehead manically
"Go Patrick, go and see her." Holly insisted.
"I-" Patrick started.
"Just go." Holly repeated as he turned to leave. She watched as he walked away and waited until she heard the front door slam to start sobbing into the pillow as her newly mended heart was torn to shreds.
****
The phone rang. Short, sharp bleeps filled the air as it went unanswered and pulled Holly out of her self-indulgent dreams. She glanced down at her watch as she wearily pulled herself towards the source of the noise. The time was seven twenty-six, who was inconsiderate enough to call right before Eastenders? Holly wondered, willing to place money on the offender being her mother who would keep her talking for at least an hour and make her miss the only remaining joy in her life.
"Hello." She said shortly as she picked up the phone and promptly collapsed into a near by chair in an attempt to control the dizziness and nausea that flowed through every possible part of her body.
"Hey Hol, it's me." Holly instantly recognised the voice and was filled with a feeling that she didn't know how to deal with. Her stomach flipped at the sound of his voice: the thought of his name, her heart ached when she recalled how he had hurt her- torn her soul strand from strand and her head spun as she tried to understand what he wanted.
"Patrick," She said as coolly as she could, trying to keep her voice from wavering. "What do you want?"
"It's... well it's... umm, I don't really know how to put this but..."
"What is it Patrick? Come on, you're scaring me now." She muttered.
"I can't tell you, you'll hate me." He panicked.
"Who says I don't already?" She joked, trying to lighten the situation. "Just tell me."
"I can't." He repeated as Holly got more and more angry with him and debated mentally whether or not to slam the phone down on him and go and watch Eastenders, which would no doubt me more interesting and less infuriating that Patrick. "Not over the phone anyway, I’ll be over in five." Before Holly could react the phone went dead in her hands.
*~*~*
'He's leaving me; I can just tell he's leaving me. It's all over. He's leaving me. Leaving me for her, that cow, the bitch. Well, I hope they'll both be very happy together. No I don't. I hope their life will be full of pain and suffering just like mine will be without Patrick. I hope that every time he looks into her eyes he sees me, I hope he can't move without thinking of me: can't live without me. I hope that every night he cries himself to sleep and that woman knows what she's done to him. To us. To me. I hope that the both can feel the way I feel at this moment, I hope their world falls apart like mine is doing as I watch. I hope... oh, doorbell. That'll be him, I wonder if she'll be with him. I swear I'll...'
"Patrick, come in." Holly said frostily to his back, slowly he turned around and she saw red tear tracks running like pathways down his face and she gasped, stunned. "Oh god, what's wrong? What is it?" She put her arm around him as she pulled him into her house. Together they sat in silence as the minutes ticked by.
"I'm so sorry, I know you are going to hate me." Patrick said eventually as he tried to look into Holly's brown eyes but she closed them and turned her head away in an attempt to mask the tears she felt spilling from her heart.
"What did she say to make you change your mind?" She asked bitterly.
"I... I don't understand." Patrick muttered.
"Was it blackmail? Bribery? Did she claim to be pregnant? Or did you just have to look at her to realise she was more important than me?"
"Who? Who do you mean Holly?"
"Her!" Holly spat. "Lara." Patrick looked shocked for a moment before he leant towards Holly.
"Lara's dead Hol." He whispered as Holly gasped.
"She's... oh my god. How? I mean... Then why? Oh I get it..."
"No you don't. The accident was too much for her, they couldn't save her and she died on the operating table just as I arrived."
"What exactly happened?" Holly asked, somewhere between shocked and interested.
"She was hit by a double decker bus doing 50 miles per hour down the high street. It was just after she had stopped to ask for directions and she went to light a cigarette but dropped her lighter in the road and as she bent down to pick it up..." He clapped his hands together to show the impact. "I never liked her smoking. Now it's killed her..."
"So why do you think I'd hate you?" Holly asked quietly, afraid of the answer
"Well when Lara died I did some thinking and I realised that-"
"You loved her and that there was no way I could ever come close to the relationship you had. I understand: it's okay." Holly said as a solitary tear rolled gently down her cheek. Patrick tried to wipe it away but she flinched out of his reach.
"No Holly, it's not that at all."He reassured her.
"What then? What else could it be?"
"It's nothing to do with Lara, well actually I suppose it is really but it's not about how I feel about her, well it is but... I'm not making this very clear am I?"
"Not at all." Holly muttered
"What I mean is..." He took a deep breath. "I feel so guilty, I hate myself for this and you should hate me too. When I found out that Lara had died I wasn't upset or hurt, I didn't cry at all. The only thing I could think about was you and how that now Lara is gone there is nothing standing between us. Isn't that awful?" Holly looked at him and she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He wasn’t leaving her: he really wasn't leaving her. Some how she still couldn't take that in.
"I thought..." She began.
"I know what you thought, how could you think that about me Holly? You know how I feel about you and yet you still don't trust me." Patrick said, giving Holly his best puppy dog look.
"I know and I'm sorry but," There was always a but. "How can you expect me to trust you when you go off and get engaged to some other woman behind my back. How can you ask me to think the best of you when you have just hurt me more than anyone ever has in my life? Things just don't work like that Patrick." She said, struggling with the words.
"I'm... sorry. I am sorry. I never knew I could hurt you so much, I never knew you cared."
"Care? I love you Patrick!" She spat and a stunned silence fell over the room. Holly could believe what she had said and Patrick could believe what he had heard.
"You.. what?" Patrick asked as he shook his head.
"I love you." Holly whispered more gently.
"Then marry me." Patrick said suddenly.
"What?" Holly gasped, not trusting her ears or senses. This had to be a dream, or a cruel joke.
"I said 'marry me'. I know I haven't got a ring or anything but-"
"I'm dying Patrick, I've got a brain tumour." She reminded him as tears slipped down her face.
"All the more reason to do it soon then." He grinned.
"No Patrick, I couldn't. I couldn't do that too you. You deserve someone who you can grow old with, who can give you children."
"You could still live to be sixty Hol, there's no guarantee that the tumour will come back and even if it does then there is no reason to think that it will be inoperable. I love you and I'm not going to give up on us just because you are afraid."
"I'm not afraid!" she corrected him stropily.
"Prove it. Marry me." Holly smiled, never one to be able to resist a challenge. Sneakily she twirled her hair around her finger.
"I don't know," She teased. "I mean it's not very romantic is it, you're not even down on one knee." Right on queue Patrick slid off the sofa and onto one knee. He took Holly's hand and cleared his throat.
"Holly... umm, what's your middle name?"
"Louise." Holly said, giggling.
"Right, just testing. Holly Louise Miles, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife and making me the happiest man on earth? Romantic enough for you?"
"It'll do." She grinned at him as she leant forward to plant a kiss on his forehead.
"Is that a yes?" He asked suspiciously.
"Yes Patrick Spiller, that's a yes." She smiled broadly.
"I was hoping you were going to say that." He said as he reached up and kissed her gently like he had been waiting to do for so long.
****
Holly walked down the isle silently, dressed all in white looking as radiant as she had done on the day Patrick had met her. She walked steadily, leaning on her father's arm as he supported her. The church was packed and holly looked nervously at the crowd as they stare at me. Watching and waiting. She knows that Patrick will be up there at the front with the vicar, he's the only reason she's here. Patrick that is: not the vicar. There are so many people surrounding her, all dressed in their black clothes that are so normal at this sort of formality. She is surrounded by big hats and wailing women. Men are there too of course, just as emotional but not showing it. Hiding their emotions like Patrick always did.
When Holly finally reached the front the vicar finished speaking and smiled gently at her as the rest of the congregation fell silent and stared at her. She felt like running away from all the eyes but she knew she had to over come her fears: she had to do this. For Patrick. So she took a deep breath and started the speech she'd rehearsed so many times in her head.
"Please don't be sad. I know I was when this first happened but now I can see so many reasons not to cry. I know that he's dead. I know that I'll never see him again and it hurts. Of course it hurts. I never thought I'd be here saying this, I never thought I'd be at his funeral. Ever since I've known about this brain tumour I always expected each day to be my last so you'll understand my surprise when we celebrated our silver wedding anniversary a few short months ago. I have so much to thank Patrick for. If it weren't for him I would have ever regained the confidence I had now. Without him I wouldn't be alive and if anyone else had managed to save me from him... From Tom... Then inside I would still have been dead. I would have fallen at the first hurdle and I certainly wouldn't be the person I am today. He gave me my darling daughters and they gave me my grand daughters. With him I spent the last years of my life and for that I'm grateful. Everyday was a gift and that's why I'm not sad. We were together. I loved him and he loved me. Without him there will always be a hole in my life, a hole in my heart but I have to put up with that because I knew him. As the saying goes, 's better to have loved and lost... Now I know I've talked for far too long but I don't want you to be sad. Don't cry because he's gone, smile because he was here. I really must go now, I have to say goodbye to Patrick. Goodbye to my love."
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