Pain shot through her body and she found it harder and harder to breathe with every breath she took. Her heart was racing, making blood pound in her ears as the tears continued to spill down her face. She felt like a child again as she stood outside the small house, not daring to go in but not wanting to stand out here as the cold was chilling her too the centre of her bones, making shiver after shiver run down her all ready tingling spine. Quickly she lifted her hand and knocked on the door, not pausing to think about it because she knew that if she did she would end up spending another hour out here, listening to the TV roaring inside and trying to talk herself out of saying goodbye. She waited, impatiently tapping her foot, for someone to answer the door and put her out of her misery. Eventually she heard the loud clomping coming down the stairs that could only be him. She heard him swear loudly as he tripped over whatever he had left lying at the bottom of the stairs, she couldn’t help but laugh through her tears at the thought of him in there, rubbing his shin better as he hobbled to the door: that would teach him to make such a mess, she thought to herself. She rubbed her face in an effort to try and hide the tear marks that scarred her fragile face as the door creaked open. And there in front of her, in his slippers and pyjamas, was the man she wanted too see and wanted to run away from.
“Duffy?” He asked, his voice unable to hide the surprise he felt at seeing her standing on his doorstep looking like death in the middle of the night.
“Can I come in?” She asked, not knowing what she wanted the answer to be and not hearing the answer he said but as he stepped aside and put a guiding had on her shoulder she guessed that it was a yes. He pulled her inside and took a long look at her, taking in every mixed up feature on her face as if seeing her for the first time. He stared into her eyes and even though she knew that there was snot running down her face, mascara smudged around her eyes and a weary expression on her face but right now she felt the most beautiful and understood woman on earth. The illusion was ruined as soon as he opened his mouth.
“You look awful, Duffs.” He said gently “Come and sit down, I’ll get you a cup of tea.” Tea and sympathy, what more had she expected of Charlie? Her oldest friend. He was the one she ran too in times of trouble and she could rely on him to be stable and right now, a bit of stability was what she needed. But no tea. She couldn’t stomach tea right now.
“It’s okay Charlie, just sit down.” Charlie bit his lip and perched nervously on the edge of the sofa where Duffy was sitting comfortably. Something was obviously wrong if she was refusing tea, the only thing he knew to offer in a crisis, unless someone needed medical help-, which he hoped Duffy didn’t. “I came to tell you something.” A wave of dread swept over Charlie, as he noted how she couldn’t even look him in the eye as she spoke, his brain whirred with all the horrible possibilities that it could think of and quickly he slipped next to Duffy and put his arms around her in a way he hadn’t in a long time.
“What is it Duffy? Is it Ryan, the boys? What?” Duffy didn’t reply for a moment, just clung tighter onto him while she tried to make a memory. The sound of the news blasting on the TV and a dog barking somewhere in the distance, the smell of his aftershave and shampoo as it mixed with her overpowering perfume and the way it felt to be held in his arms, so tight, so safe. She knew it would be the last time ever that she felt like this. Eventually she let go and looked him in the eye as she began to speak.
“No, no, it’s nothing like that. It’s just that… that… I’m leaving. Ryan and me are moving away, Scotland to set up an Internet business. Just him, the boys and me. I’ve worked my notice at work and right now I’m supposed to be in a car with them, driving off into the sunset but I just couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.” Charlie didn’t know if he should laugh with relief that it was nothing serious or cry that she was leaving him. He decided that the first one as he wanted to reassure Duffy, not worry her more so he gently stroked her hair he smiled at her.
“You had me worried there, I thought it was going to be something serious!” He laughed falsely.
“This is serious Charlie, I’m going. Gone soon. You’ll never see me at work, I’ll never be in Holby again for more than a flying visit and I can’t see you in Scotland for any long period of time, can you? All these years together will soon count for nothing and we’ll become nothing more to each other than a name on a Christmas card list.” A tear fell from both Charlie and Duffy’s eye as they realised the finality of the situation. No more chances, no more what ifs. Nothing.
“Stay.” Charlie said simply as he stared at her but she simply smiled and shook her head.
“I can’t. Not now, it’s too late Charlie. It’s gone. But you’ll have to come to the wedding, you can give me away if you like.”
“Wedding?” Charlie echoed as a look of horror flashed across Duffy’s face and she realised who she’d forgotten to tell. She bit her lip and apologised repeatedly while Charlie had a far away look in his eyes.
“No problem.” He said flatly. “But you’ve got to go now.” He stood up and grabbed her hands, pulling her parallel to him before he let go.
“But what if I’m making a mistake?” Charlie looked at her, those innocent eyes that knew so much and he knew at once that the truth would only hurt her, cloud her mind. Now wasn’t the time, the time had come and gone, he’d missed his chance and he couldn’t now break Duffy’s last hope of happiness with Ryan. He couldn’t be selfish and ruin everything just so he could feel better about himself: it was too late. He had to tell her what she wanted to hear, no matter how much it hurt.
“This is the right thing Duffy, it was always going to happen. Fate. You stay here and you’ll never get the happy ending you deserve. This was always going to happen. No more questions.” He smiled.
“So this is right?” She questioned. He nodded through his sparkling tears.
“This is right.”
“So why does it hurt?” Charlie pulled her too him and kissed her gently on either cheek, kissing away the tears, kissing away the pain.
“Go on Duffy. Goodbye.” He pushed her towards the door and as she walked through he called to her “Don’t look back.” And she didn’t. If she had she would have seen Charlie sink to his knees, pain racking through him as he clutched at his chest, more painful and more damaging than the heart attack he’d suffered before, but harder to fix. If she was listening she would have heard his broken hearted sobs fill the air around her and if she had been thinking she would have realised what a sacrifice he’d just made, letting the only woman he’d ever love walk away to find her own happiness even though he knew that it meant he never would. She would know that the pain she felt on leaving him was only a fraction of what he felt when he let her go. But she never looked back. So she never knew