'Bang.' I slammed the door to my house so hard I thought it would come of its hinges. I'd had a lousy day. All because of one person, Patrick Spiller, I now know exactly what it is I hate about him, his fear of commitment. Nearly 2 years we were together at med school and he never once told me he loved me. Never. And things haven't got any better since then.
The night we got together (for the second time) was the night Tom kidnapped me, he said he missed me and did I think we should give it another go, there was no way I was going to say anything other than yes, this was the man I loved and had loved for nearly 6 years. Then I actually thought he was going to say it.
"Holly?"
Yes I thought this is it, his declaration of undying love. "Yes?"
"I...Um...well, I think we should get you to a+e to make sure you're all right." I could quite easily have strangled him if I wasn't feeling so weak, but I kept my mouth shut because I'd probably say some thing that would make him storm off and I didn't really feel like being stuck there with just Dan for company. So I nodded and let him help me, shakily, to a+e. I was checked over by max and he said I would be fine to go, I was just a little shaken up (a VERY big understatement if you ask me!) So Patrick drove me back to his house because I said I didn't feel like being alone after all that had happened.
That was just under three months ago and we are at each other's throats again, today we had a screaming match in the middle of a crowded reception area, Max was not pleased to say the least. We had a lecture about 'leaving our private lives at home' and 'behaving profeshonally'. Its not that we aren't getting on its just we have the same argument over and over again. I mean when you tell someone you love them you expect to hear it back...
I was quickly brought out of my thoughts by a loud banging on the door.
"'Ello 'olly." Patrick slurred drunkenly.
"Ah, hi Patrick, lovely to see you." I replied with heavy sarcasm.
"Yeh it's a lovely morning isn't it."
"It's the middle of the night Patrick!" I shouted I was getting very annoyed by now, did he really think he could turn up, in the middle of the night, completely drunk, and expect me to have a sense of humour?
"No it's not 'olly you're soooo silly! The suns out for gods sake!" he said pointing at the street lamp opposite my house
"Oh, you might as well come in before you wake the neighbours."
"Holly I have just come to tell you." He broke off to take a long gulp from a nearly empty whisky bottle. "I came to say that your beautiful, sexy, intelligent, funny and a brilliant doctor and I love you!" And with that he passed out on the sofa.
Shame he wont remember any of it when he's sober I thought with a smile. I wondered if it was the drink talking or Patrick, I hoped it was Patrick. Now all I've got to do is get him to say all that when he hasn't drunk the contence of an off-licence.
In my mind
I woke up this morning in the same way as I have done for the past nine months. Firstly I looked down to see if my bump, my baby, is still there. Then I look and see if Rob is still lying beside me and he all ways is so then I let out my first breath in a sigh of relief, knowing I can cope with what ever the day holds as long as I have these two things. As I got up and went about doing my usual things I noticed a slight twinge in my stomach. At first I was worried but then I knew that it was all right I was just going into labour. Now I can say it like it was a small thing- oh I was just going in to labour- but at the time I was panicking like anything. I was screaming at Rob to get me to hospital whilst muttering every prayer that I knew. Hoping everything would be fine. I'm a big wimp when it comes to pain, other people's I'm fine with but I can't cope with actually being in pain. Rob was great though: getting me into the car, calming me down, getting me to hospital. He knew exactly what to do even if I didn’t. As I sat there in the car with him and he was telling me how and when to breathe, I asked myself what I had done to deserve him. Nothing. Infact if truth were told I don’t deserve him at all. He deserves someone who'll be there for him, help him and understand him. Not someone who'd cheat on him and lie to him for the best part of a year. But by some strange reason beyond my control he was here with me, he loved me and wanted to be with me. And I was so great full for that.
Don’t get me wrong: I love Rob. I really do, he's my rock in life and I don’t know what I'd do without him. But. I can't help that there's a but, it's just the kind of person I am. Needing adventure, risk and excitement. That is one- the one- thing Rob couldn't give me but Finn could. Of course I didn’t know that at the time but I needed him for excitement and he needed some one to love. We both got what we wanted and then we got on with the rest of our lives- as if. It would have been that simple if it was just the sex, but it wasn't. There was the fact he was my friend, that I was married, that I felt- feel- guilty about it and the fact that I had to see him for every single day for the rest of my life. It carried on for months- in my head. Nothing happened between us since that night when he saved my life but I couldn’t help dreaming. And I haven't told anyone this, not even Rob- especially not Rob. I dreamed of him for ages, I though I was falling in love with him and I probably was but I made myself fall out of love with him. Every time I slipped into a day dream about leaving my life here, moving away and starting again with Finn I quickly stopped myself and thought about Rob. So all my energy and love I had for Finn gradually got transferred to Rob.
I did tell Rob about the 'affair' because it was what the priest told me to do. I didn’t want to because as far as I could see that could only make things worse but he said that to be forgiven by god I would have to first be forgiven by my husband. He knew he could get me to do anything if I thought it would wash away my sins. I would tell Rob because then maybe I could feel good about myself and stop feeling so guilty. I hoped I could stop feeling so dirty and bad. So I blurted it all out one night. How sorry I was, that I didn’t love Finn and that it was all a horrid mistake. I said I was sorry countless times but he said nothing. Just looked like he was going to cry. He wasn't angry, he was disappointed and I couldn’t cope with that. I wished he'd scream, yell, and throw things, to want to hit me. I wanted him to be angry because over time anger fades but being disappointed, being let down so badly- that never fades. So that’s how I got here today. I quit my job and moved to another hospital so that he would trust me again. I got pregnant because that was what he wanted- what he'd always wanted. A family. I didn’t particularly want a baby but the idea has grown on me. If I can make Rob happy forever by just doing this one thing then it'll be worth it. If it takes away the pain in his eyes and puts back the love that was once there then it'll be worth every second off work, every day looking like a tent and every bit of labour pain.
I still see Finn sometimes. Walking around with some girl on his arm. Sometimes he looks happy and sometimes he looks sad but he never looks like he did when he was with me. I don’t regret the choices I've made. Rob and the baby are the best things in my life. The only thing I wish I hadn’t done, the only mistake I would like to undo was sleeping with Finn and making it real. Making it a sin instead of keeping it in my mind and keeping the love in my husband's eyes.