I can see it now: all the pain I’ve caused.
I’m so sorry
I never meant to do this…
I never meant to hurt her.
I suppose really I never knew I could.
Hurt her that is.
On the surface she always seems so calm and collect but now I can see the way I’ve always torn her up inside.
Now I’m gone I can see it. Now I’m gone and I can’t do anything about it.
She… loved me.
I still can’t quite get it into my head.
She loved me.
Me?
But… why?
I mean of all the people in all the world she had to fall in love with me.
And look where it’s got her.
If only I’d known I would have never gone near her,
I would have denied myself all the joy and all the love I experienced through knowing her if it meant I could stop this pain I can feel her feeling.
Look at her.
So beautiful,
So wonderful,
So kind,
Caring,
Generous,
Alone.
I can see her,
I can hear her
But I can’t touch her,
Hold her
Or even let her know I’m here.
It hurts like hell and if I weren’t dead this would kill me.
She is sad because I’m gone but I’m still here.
I am still watching over everything she does
and still waiting for the day we’ll be together again.
She thinks I’m gone but I’m still here.
I am the first tear that she cries every night.
I am the angry sob she releases every morning as she remembers where she is.
I am the voice deep down inside her that tells her not to accept the drink from the guy at work.
I am the shadow on the wall.
I am the reflection you see out of the corner of your eye in the mirror as the steam clears.
I am the first drop of blood that falls as that knife pierces her skin.
I am Patrick Spiller.
I am sorry
So sorry.