(Note: Written and set before Patrick actually died in Casualty)
Dear diary. 20th Sept 2002
To anyone except me it was just another ordinary day. The rain poured down like it always seemed to do in England compared to the rest of the world. People set off to work and returned again without having any knowledge that my world was falling apart in front of my very eyes.
The day started as per usual, I went to work and nothing was wrong. Of coarse I noticed his absence like I always do but I never thought… I mean you just don’t think things like that will happen to you. It wasn’t until he was rushed in to A+E that I knew. I couldn’t help him. They all said that I should sit down and leave it to them but look where that got us. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do any thing as I couldn’t see through all the tears I was crying but now all I can think is 'maybe I could have saved him, maybe if I'd been there I would have known something that could have saved him.' I know it's stupid but I feel so responsible. I always said that car would be the end of him. I wish I hadn’t been right.
Dear diary. 22nd Sept 2002
I haven’t been into work yet. I couldn’t face it. They're all upset but none of them will miss him like I do, as none of them knew him like I do- did. Not even Lara. Even though she's missing him now she'll get over him and move on. I don’t know if I ever can. I hate to brag and seem bigheaded but I was the only one he really trusted. In return he's the only one I'll ever love. I know it seems like I'm being melodramatic, infact if you read all my previous diary entries you'll hear not how much I love him but how I hate him and how I'm completely over him' It was a lie. I loved- still love him and I've only just realised it now he's gone. Life is so unfair.
Dear diary. 2nd Oct 2002
Today was officially the worst day of my life. It was his funeral. I cannot even bring myself to utter his name any more. I had to sit through hours of a strange vicar who didn’t even know him drowning on about how he's 'gone to a better place' and 'at peace' while a load of people who worked with him but barley uttered 2 civil words to him wailed about how much he would be missed. They didn’t care. The worst bit was when his body went into the furnace to be cremated. I cried bucket loads of tears and I had to sit by the one person who I was trying to avoid. His father. I couldn’t cope with seeing him but as I was the only person he recognised he sat by me. I hated every minute of it, I wasn’t ready to say good-bye and I certainly wasn’t ready to let go. Sitting next to Jeff made me realise that I wont be the only person who'll miss him. To Jeff, Patrick (there I said it) was the only thing left that he had to cling onto of his dead wife or his forgotten youth. It was strange to see Jeff again; it brought back many memories from med school. Good and bad. He still believes Patrick and me were an item and I'm afraid to say I never uttered a word to contradict this belief. I spent the rest of today at home sitting amongst my old photos and crying all my tears away. This is all I have left of him, his photos, memories and our tears.
Dear diary. 15th Oct 2002
I said goodbye today. I have lost him forever. Me, Jeff, Lara, Charlie and a few other close relatives went to scatter his ashes today. It was on a hilltop in Yorkshire. Patrick had taken me there once and told me all about how he used to come up here with his mum and dad when he was a kid. It was the best place we could think of. I can't remember a lot of the day. Everyone bar me managed to stay calm. I broke into loud angry sobs. Crying is the only way I know of showing them all that I love him and I'm still hurting. They can all control their feelings because they all know that he died full knowledge of their love for him. He never knew that I loved him, I am ashamed to admit it but in all the years I have known him I never told him how I felt. I hope that if by some chance he is looking down on all of us he will see these tears I cry for him and realise what went unspoken for all those years. As every one else walked off I stayed, I needed time alone. And as I sat down on the wet grass I realised that somewhere along the way we had made a terrible mistake. This was not the happy ending that was supposed to happen, some how we had managed to cheat fate and destiny out of the happy ending we had fought so hard for and deserved so badly. I have to stop writing now. My tears are smudging the ink.
Holly.