| Chase Martin: The Man Behind the Mystery |
| It was a dark and stormy evening on August 30th, 1946 when Chase Rodriguez Hernando Miguel Pedro Carlos Garcia Sergio Felipe XII was born in a tiny manger in the French Quarter of New Orleans. His mother, a well-known hooker by the name of Shanée-Talula Jörgensen,immediately recognized him as theANTI-CHRIST due to the prominent horns on his scalp and proceeded to disembowel him with the pocket knife she would use to fend off her pimp when she had spent all her cash on heroin. Thus marked the beginning of what would be a rocky life for Chase, a life riddled withinsecurities, fear, pain, and missing bowels. As a sad, lonely, newborn baby, Chase found nothing better to do with his time except play Chinese checkers with the locals of New Orleans. At the age of two, he became a champion Chinese checkers player and played against the infamous computer, Deep Poop. After an intense 58-hour game, Chase lost to the brutal machine after making the fatal move of putting one of the red marble thingies into the fourth hole in the third triangular section, allowing Deep Poop to take his blue marble and jump over his yellow marble, completely blocking out all the green marbles in the third section. This left the fragile, unstable Chase completely crushed. He fell into a downward spiral of simultaneously injecting heroin and going into a maddening fury of making dreidls out of clay to support Judaism, the horrible ANTI-CHRIST religion. It was in 1951 that Chase finally collapsed, his veins shattered from the excessive heroin intake. His lover at the time, Billy, rushed him to the hospital, where the doctors completely replaced his cardio-vascular system with that of a sheep's. Upon discovering that Chase Martin had no bowels whatsoever, they implanted a trash compactor into his belly. Little did they know how this was to affect him later in life. Chase Martin spent the next five years in the National Drug Rehab Center. Then, on that fateful morn of May 12, 1955, a girl by the name of Erin Maresh stepped into the rehab center. Chase was taken instantly by her stunning good-looks. He had never before seen a 10-year old with so much charm and maturity, not to mention enormous breasts. Together they took over the rehab center and fulfilled the Communist manifesto, literally creating a Utopian community among their fellow drug-addicts. Unfortunately, in 1965, Erin Maresh left the center, and the society collapsed. The drug-addicts revolted against Chase and beat him with syringes until he reluctantly promised to stop beating them at Chinese checkers. The next years of Chase's life were spent roleplaying ways to say "NO" to drugs. He learned that he didn't need drugs to fill the void in his soul. He just needed that 9-letter word: a GUN! err, wait. I mean... SELF-RESPECT! Yes. And after ten painful years, Chase was finally released from the rehab center. He didn't leave, however, without telling his druggie-friends that he'd bust them out as soon as he bought that tank he'd been saving up for. |
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| Pimp Daddy Chase on the set of HSS with his hoes. |