An individual died a few days ago. As usual, on instinct, I accepted the fact that the person no longer lived and breathed. Dead. I understand the concept entirely; I also can easily accept it, having been exposed to it so much. Unfortunately for my “humanity”, I immediately dismissed the news of one human’s death as irrelevant. After all, I had no idea who this person was: why should I care? This was my state of mind for the next three days. I would humor those who were grieving him.
Then, unfortunately for me, my emotions began to surface. I did not feel grief. I did not feel pain. Or loss. Or sorrow. I felt shame and pity…for myself. This dead boy was now someone I had grown to admire. He was a very brave individual: something I have not proven myself to be. I felt humiliation at the fact that, after all these years, I still have not acted on my depression. I have remained passive and inactive. I wish I had the courage to accomplish what he did. I know that I do indeed possess it, but still something holds me back.
I am completely sure that suicide is inevitable for me; it is just a matter of time. I have been trying to figure out what has been preventing me from doing the beautiful deed, and the only thing I can come up with is: love. I have found it very hard to resist; it is quite the addiction. The only love I have ever known has been unrequited and therefore not true love. Unfortunately, or, rather, fortunately, I am intelligent and realistic enough to realize that I will probably not meet someone who loves me as much as I love them. Yet, I continue to find it difficult to pull away from those I love, and leave them behind forever. “I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde. Love is so very tempting.
I will let go one day. When I have come to terms with myself it will be time, and I will finally leave this cold, lonely, empty, and painful existence.
Life is about choices. Suicide is a choice. I just hope that one day humanity will accept the right to choose suicide as morally and ethically correct. Suicide should not be looked down upon, it should be glorified: one more person has realized how horrible this life is and has chosen not to live it.
After all, I don’t remember asking to be born (especially as a human).
