I purchased a bike, and am so glad that I now can cycle past her house whenever I feel I must be closer in proximity to her.
The last time I laid eyes on her was, oh god, I can’t think! I believe, no, I am now sure, that it was the Christmas concert- more than four months ago. I was so happy to have seen her then, for those very brief- too brief- moments. It was *just* a casual conversation in the hallway for her, I’m sure. Yet, when I walked away from her, I could barely breathe and nearly fainted from being so devastated. It was just a casual conversation in the hallway, but it meant so much more to me. I was able to see her again, speak to her, inquire about her well-being, be inquired about mine, and genuinely!, and I was able to hear her lovely voice and behold her beauty once more. She looked beautiful. So beautiful. And then, it had to end; she had to go home to her husband and two children. And so, I smiled, said my goodbyes, and as I turned away, my world was shattered again.
I came within a hair’s breath of totally falling apart right there in the hallway as I walked unsteadily away from the woman I craved with all of my heart, soul, and mind. Choking back tears with all of my might, I thanked Gaea that I was the only one left in the hallway. I was alone again.
After the minimum amount of time required by my mind to grieve over the lost and uncertainly unrequited love, once again my impenetrable defenses surrounded me.
I am Borg.
Nothing could make its way through that super-strong barrier; I became the superficial Lori, who gave only humorous social standard answers to any outer communication. In my mind, I no longer thought about anything: I remained cold and unfeeling. If something required me to think, I would compute it using only logic, leaving all emotions out of it. These are good times to ask me questions- I always give an unbiased and objective response. Of course, I won’t seem as friendly as usual. Sacrifices, sacrifices.
When I arrived home, I set myself down at a table to absently eat the dinner that had been picked up on the way home: a number two from McDonald’s. I ate it as if it were only the necessary nutrients that my aloof body needed, and nothing more.
After I finished eating, I angrily climbed the stairs to cry my heart out onto the cold and lonely sheets of my bed.
I can’t stop loving her.
And I don’t want to.
Sacrifices, sacrifices.
