Diary2

       Another day! I missed a few days, but I'm back now. I'll start off by saying how nice my night was last night. I have a new pan called the Turbo Cooker, and it's a really cool thing. I can cook two or three different things in the pan at once and it only takes about 15 minutes! It's great for when we get home late and stuff. No more 9:00 p.m. dinners! We went food shopping. I'm kinda strapped for cash this week so Mike had to pay. But I get paid next friday so I'll catch up quick and maybe give him a little extra. We watched wrestling and Tough Enough last night. I guess you could say I'm a big wrestling fan. I watch it every chance I get and I follow it well. I like the promos better than the matches though, but hey.. I'm still a fan right?
        I slept really well last night. I had some funny dreams. My friend Sin was in one of them and she was wearing pants that had no backside to them! Sin was the same in my dream.. all strutting around and being silly. I'm going to see her tonight. We're supposedly going to a club, but the last time we were supposed to do that, we ended up staying home all night and playing dressup. She wanted to hang out with my friend Jawann, but I think she found someone else to play with instead. I'm taking the trains after work. I was hoping to get a ride, but that's the curse of not having a license. I'm always relying on someone else. Whether it be trains, taxis or friends. It's pretty sickening.
        I've been having a lot of conflicting thoughts about love. I thought I had figured out what kind of love goes where and how much is appropriate and blah blah blah. But recent events have me thinking again. Can you love someone unconditionally and not let that love grow to romance? Can you love someone who tries to wedge themselves into your relationships? Can you love two people at the same time with the same kind of love? I have so much to say to this person and I can't figure out how to say it. Do I write her a letter, call her? I wonder if contacting her would make my situation worse. I only want her out of my life. For good, but that will never happen. I think she'll always be a thorn in my side.
        I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, but now I'm feeling sad again. Mike noticed I was sad yesterday after work when we were driving home. He asked what I was sad about. I told him I don't know. And I really don't. I just keep thinking of sad things, and things that upset me. I can't stop myself. I try really hard to think of happy things and fun things, but my mind always circles back to something that hurts me. It's like an uncontrolalbe gravity towards sadness. It's very easy for Mike and some other people to make me smile or put me in a better mood when I'm feeling down, which is great when I'm with them. But is it healthy to rely on them for happiness? I don't think so. Why do I feel sad when I'm by myself. Why can' t I look in the mirror without seeing something gross that makes me sad? These are all things I'm going to ask my doctor. Or whoever she refers me to, cause she's too much of a bitch to care about anything bothering me.

       Okay, Okay... I know it's been a few days since I've written, but I've been keeping myself busy. Which is a good thing. The busier I am, the less depressed I am. These last few days have been better. I've talked to Sin quite a bit, and even hung out with her this past weekend. We've gotten really close. I think we're kindred spirits or something. We're able to tell eachother everything without shame and feel better afterwards. We had a great time over the weekend. Didn't go to a club, but did go to a party where she confessed to me her feelings of her new boyfriend. I think it's great for her and she's not happy that things are being taken "slowly". But she's happy deep down inside and knows it.
        She's been helping me through my conflicted feelings of love. I think the thorn in my side has shrunk down again. The situation has been resovled as best it can, even though I think that sweeping your feelings under the rug and ignoring them is unhealthy, it seems to be the only way right now. I've been asked to hold off on telling her how I feel. I agreed, but I know I'll still tell her. I may change what I've said though. Conflict seems to be a natural companion for love. Just when you think things are going perfect... BAM!.. something comes out of the blue to knock you off your feet and force you to re-evaluate. I've really been working on telling Michael exactly what I feel when I feel it. I have a habit of holding things back from him, and then bursting into emotion when I've been pushed too far. We play and joke alot, and so sometimes I get confused as to what he's joking about and what he's serious about. It's natural for a person to joke about a concern they have when it's still a small concern.
        We had a wonderful day together yesterday.. the ride home from work was spent talking about our relationship and voicing our concerns and loves. Sometimes I feel more comfortable talking to him while he's driving than other times. No real reason, really. It's just nice. It was refreshing to come to a calm conclusion and have suggestions for eachother. A lot of my stress was relieved thanks to that conversation. I went on the computer last night to talk to friends online, and Sin on the phone. I talked to her for like two hours! My phone bill will be outrageous! I'll have to give Mike some extra money for it. I watched TV with him, and we had a nice night. Some cuddling and sneaking looks at eachother. I love to flirt with him. He's such fun! So, today I am feeling happy. First time in a long time. I'm keeping my appointment though, because it is possible I have a chemical imbalance, and if not, maybe I just need therapy.
        I probably will after Sunday. Mike's mom decided that I'm cooking Easter dinner. Kinda sucks since I'm working and then have to go home and cook, and then, I don't even celebrate Easter cause I'm not christian! oiy. Well off to work for me.