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WILL KETCHEM FOUND DEAD

CENTAUR RESPONSIBLE!

December 23, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)

It won't be a Merry Christmas in the Ketchem household this year. Professor Will Ketchem from the Daystrom Institute in Washington DC, was found trampled to death in Rose Hill early this morning. As many of you know Professor Ketchem had vowed to kill the centaur that was spotted there on October 25. See story in archives.

BUSH TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA

12/21/00

A spokesperson close to President-elect George W. Bush said today that the former governor of Texas would not only sign but support legislation to legalize marijuana in the United States.

"I don't see what a lil 420 hurts," he said. "I mean we sell whiskey by the gallon and that causes more accidents and health problems than anything."

As most of you know, Bush has admitted that he has a history of substance abuse and was at one time an alcoholic.

"I think we have the coolest President ever," said one teenager. "I mean how many Presidents could you set down and smoke a blunt with?"

MIKE WARNKE TO RAISE THE DEAD!

12/12/00 (Harrodsburg, KY)

Mike Warnke, Christian comedian and alleged flim-flam man, has decided to put all doubts to rest. On Easter Day he will perform a miracle and raise the dead!

That's according to someone with close ties to Celebration of Hope Ministries who wished to remain nameless.

"Mike has had it with all the negative comments concerning his ministry," our source said. "He WAS a high priest of Satan, and he was a drug addict. He used to deflower virgins in terrible twisted drug orgies in honor of the Dark One. He would steal to support his drug habit and he received strange powers from Lucifer in return for his service. He participated in human sacrifices and ate children. He beat up his Navy roommate and then he found Jesus in a janitor's closet! Those things are true!"

"Oh it is true," said a local minister. "Mike was a drug addict and a rapist and a thief. He's a terrific person. It makes me so mad when people say those things aren't true about him. I'd like to suggest a day of prayer."

"On Easter Day Mike is going to raise someone from the dead in Springhill Cemetery," our source said. "That will prove once and for all that Mike is a rapist and a thief! Then all those who have had something negative to say about him will have to eat their words."

Our source would not say who Mike Warnke was going to resurrect, but did imply that it was someone loved by all in the community.

The Harrodsburg News will keep you posted.

ARCO BREAKS COP'S RIB-
COULD BE INFECTED

December 8, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)

What was supposed to be a routine training course turned into a nightmare. Police dog Arco broke the rib of a Harrodsburg police officer causing him to seek medical attention. That's according to a source close to the Harrodsburg Police Department who did not wish to be identified.

"He could be infected with the rare disease," warned canine expert Haans Shepard from the Daystrom Institute in Washington DC. "This is typical of how a dog will act if he is carrying the virus. Don't thank that just because he is a police dog that he is immune. I am afraid we must expect the worst." (Read more about the canine disease in the November 27 entry below.)

Arco later told reporters that he felt fine. "I just nudged him a little too hard," said the law-enforcing canine. "I mean Jesus, he had the vest on and everything and they put that muzzle on me. Then you get two guys yelling at you in Dutch, I mean you get confused out there."

Many people were surprised to learn that Arco can in fact speak. This is not uncommon for dogs working for law enforcement agencies or the district attorney's office. Many of you remember the talking sheep dog in the Disney movie The Shaggy DA.

"Look I really hate what happened out there, but being a cop is a tough job. I mean I weigh in at just over 100 pounds, and I was just goofing around. What is he gonna do when some 280 pound mugger is on top of him trying to hurt him? I'll tell you, he'll probably be yelling 'Angriff' or some shit to me. He's got a pistol that can blow a hole in someone big enough to put your hand through, and me... I got a set of teeth. I mean give me a break."

"I would be very concerned about this," warned Doctor Shepard. "A close eye should be kept on him at all times."

PRESIDENT CLINTON ANNOUNCES
"I AM A ZOOPHILE."

December 4, 2000

With just weeks left as President, Bill Clinton announced today that he is a practicing zoophile. Zoophiles are people who have a strong sexual attraction to animals.

"Everyone has been very good about this," he said "Once again Hillary has forgiven me and I feel that this will not impair my ability to run the country over the next few weeks."

The President, seen above with his female lab, Monica, made the announcement today in front of several reporters including one from The Harrodsburg News. CNN and MSNBC have decided not to run the story in order to preserve the dignity of the country. We, however, have no such hang ups.

"I think its great," said one resident. "He is so brave. After what he went through with the impeachment and all, and now this. Surely he will go down in history as being one of our country's greatest Presidents."

HARRODSBURG NEWS EDITOR FOUND!


December 1, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
By Special Reporter Randall Stephens

Bartley McQueary, editor of The Harrodsburg News was found early this morning in Big Bone Lick, Kentucky. He had apparently set himself up as the leader of a religious cult there. The compound consisting of 12 acres of forest was populated primarily be young people between the ages of 15 and 23.

It is not sure how he accomplished this. Most of the people have been identified as runaways, and McQueary will receive a reward from various law enforcement agencies for their safe return. "I'm really glad that I have done something to help people, even if I am not sure what it is that I have done," he said.

All of us here at The Harrodsburg News are glad to have our boss back. We look forward to bringing you many more exciting and heart touching stories.

GORE CHALLENGES BUSH TO A
HELL IN THE CELL MATCH
-VS-

November 28, 2000
By Special Reporter Randall Stephens

Vice President Al Gore challenged Texas Governor George W. Bush to a "Hell in the Cell" match today. The nation was shocked that Gore has dipped to this level, but was nonetheless interested in seeing it.

As most of you know, the Hell in the Cell is a wrestling match that takes place inside a chain link cage with a roof on it. The action is supposed to take place inside the cage, but always seems to spill outside. The most memorable Hell in the Cell was between best selling author Mick Foley and The Undertaker. Below you see the result of that match when Foley was thrown off the top of the 20-foot high structure.

"What I do to him will be worse than that!" said Gore. "His daddy is a wimp, his momma looks like George Washington, and when I'm done with him heís gonna look like a car crash victim!"

"I'll be damned if I'll stand for that," Bush said. "You get Vince McMahon on the phone and set this up for the next pay-per-view. If he won't let me win in the voting booth then I'll win in the ring! He won't get a recount there!"

Vince McMahon (seen below) could not be reached for comment, but people close to the World Wrestling Federation has said that he is "very interested" in this.

The Harrodsburg News will be keeping you posted as the information comes in.

ALL MERCER COUNTY DOGS TO BE DESTROYED

DUE TO STRANGE NEW VIRUS

November 27, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
By Special Reporter Randall Stephens.

There won't be any Christmas puppies this year. In fact, every dog in Mercer County is to be destroyed by January 7, 2001!

That's according to a source close to the Mercer County Humane Society who did not want to be identified. Apparently a bizarre new virus carried by the West African Black Raven is making dogs go crazy. As many of you know, the police battled the ravens earlier this year. (See story in archives.)

"Whatever it is it's worse than rabies," he said. "The animals act fine. There are no warning signs, one day they just snap!"

As a precaution, every dog in Mercer County will be rounded up and put to death. Residents will have until January 7, 2001 to take their dog to the Humane Society located at 896 Moberly Road and have it destroyed. Anyone discovered to be harboring a canine after 1/7/01 will be fined $500 and imprisoned for not more than 90 days, per dog. The dog or dogs will of course be destroyed.

"I know that it is an emotional time for dog owners. That is why we are giving them till January 7. I had to put down my own two labs, but there are human lives at stake."

Mercer residents will be allowed to own dogs beginning on July 1, 2001. Until that time any dog found in Mercer County is to be captured and destroyed.

FAT PEOPLE WON'T MAKE IT TO HEAVEN


November 24, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
By Special Reporter Randall Stephens

You may have more reason to lose those extra pounds than you thought. Looks like there aren't going to be any fat angels.

That's according to a local minister with strong ties to the Harrodsburg Baptist Church.

"God hates fat people," he said, "Let us not forget that gluttony is a one of the seven deadly sins! Do you think that the Almighty gave us these perfect bodies just so that we might poison them with pizza and Quarter Pounders?"

The minister shocked the congregation this past Sunday when he announced that many of them would burn in Hell simply because they tipped the scales a little too far.

"I couldn't believe what he was saying," said one parishioner. "I mean I know that I'm a little on the chubby side, but I give money to charities and go to church every Sunday. Should I burn just because my wife is a good cook?"

Local religious leaders have suggested a day of prayer.

"Oh can you imagine the fires of Hell being fed by those disgusting fat bodies? Just think of the squalling there will be when they start squirming like a bunch of maggots! You ever smelt fat burning? I remember when my granddaddy used to make lard from slaughtered hogs," said the minister.

"I think he's full of shit," said one resident.

MAN SURVIVES ATTACK BY SQUID

BUT PAYS A TERRIBLE PRICE

Burgin, KY (November 17, 2000)
By Special Reporter Randall Stephens

Forty-Six year old Edward Nichols will never be the same after an ill-fated swim last Tuesday evening.

"I used to be quite the lady's man, but I guess those days are over with now," he told The Harrodsburg News. "I didn't know about the squid in Herrington Lake, but I learned the hard way. Don't go swimming in that damn lake!"

On November 5, 2000, biologists from The Daystrom Institute in Washington DC, captured a rare species of freshwater squid. Professor Sharon Peters declared Lake Herrington unsafe for swimmers and small boats. That warning, however, has pretty much gone unheeded.

"This is just the tip of the iceberg," said Peters. "We are going to see many, many more incidents like this as long as people continue to ignore warnings about that Lake. I am going to submit to Governor Patton that the lake be drained."

Supporters for the Palisades Protection Organization have rejected that idea.

"These squid are perhaps the last of their kind," said on activist who did not want to be identified. "If it costs a hundred human lives, that is a small price to pay to preserve an entire species. I can't believe that someone would want to drain the whole damn lake just because a couple of people drowned and a guy got his face rearranged!"

"I say drain the whole fucking thing! Let me chop that son-of-a-bitch into pieces, throw it in a deep fryer and finish the job it started on me," said Nichols.

TELEPHONE COMPANY TO OFFER SERVICE
THAT LETS YOU TALK TO THE DEAD

November 11, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
by special reporter Randall Stephens

"I talk to dead people. Don't you?"

Believe it or not, the telephone company will release a brand new service next year that will allow people to talk to the dead. This special service known as *44 will help close the gap between this world and the afterlife.

The service will be somewhat expensive running $99 per month. However, many people feel that it will be worth it to keep in touch with their deceased loved ones.

"I think that this is great," said one resident. "This will allow people to not only say goodbye, but let them keep their loved ones up to date on the goings on in this world. Also, think of the information that will help the police. Murdered people could help catch their own killers! The phrase 'dead men tell no tells' would become obsolete."

Look for the new service to become available sometime in late summer of 2001.

BILLIONAIRE DAVID MICHAEL CERTS III
KILLED IN PLANE CRASH

November 8, 2000 (6:36 AM)

The Harrodsburg News currently has very few details on this story. All we can report at this time is that Billionaire philanthropist David Michael Certs III has been killed in a plane crash over the Rocky Mountains.

We will have more details as they arrive.

November 8, 2000 (7:53 PM)

Americans were saddened today to learn of billionaire David Michael Certs III untimely death in a plane crash over the Rocky Mountains. The plane was reported down at 4:32 AM this morning. Mr. Certs was flying to his California home from Texas were he was the guest of Governor Bush. All passengers and crew were killed in the crash.

Certs had gained national notoriety by giving away millions to people living in impoverished communities on his "Heal the World" tour. His next stop was to be Harrodsburg on November 14, just one week after his death.

Mr. Certs had no heirs, so all money and property will be donated to charity, per his will. A small private ceremony honoring Mr. Certs will be held on Saturday at 2:00 PM EST. Representatives are asking the people in Harrodsburg to observe Mr. Certs with a moment of silence and the lighting of a green candle.

"He really cared about everyone, even the poor souls living in Harrodsburg," said a spokesperson for Mr. Certís estate. "I know he was looking forward to helping all of you."

RARE SQUID CAPTURED
COULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR DROWNINGS

November 5, 2000 (Burgin, KY)
by special reporter Randall Stephens

A rare species of freshwater squid was caught today in Lake Herrington. Taningia Danae, the scientific name for the Giant Freshwater Squid, is the largest freshwater animal on Earth. They are extremely ferocious and very territorial.

That's according to Dr. Sharon Peters, a biologist from the Daystrom Institute in Washington DC.

"They'll eat about anything," Dr. Peters said, "even something too big for them to kill. In this case they just grab it with their tentacles and pull it under. A specimen of this size is about seven feet long and weighs about 275 pounds. It would be hard for someone to swim with that thing wrapped around their legs."

As most of you know Herrington Lake is notorious for drownings. It would seem that every year someone disappears beneath its murky depths, never to be seen alive again. According to Dr. Peters, this squid could be why.

"I don't want to delude anyone as to what we are dealing with here. This is not the only squid in the lake. In fact this one is only a baby, not more than a year old. There is a pair of these things in that lake making little squids. In fact, I would say that the parents are probably about 75-90 feet long and would weigh about 3500 pounds. The females are larger than the males. Recent attacks on people are probably due to the shortage of fish and other aquatic life in the lake. Quite frankly, they are running out of food and are moving on to the next best thing - man! I would advise everyone to stay out of Lake Herrington until the parents and all the offspring can be captured."

If you live in the Lake Herrington area and would like to report a sighting, please do so at harrodsburgnews@yahoo.com or call the Mercer County Sheriff's Department.

LOCAL MAN WORTH MILLIONS
BUT LIVES ON THE STREET!

November 3, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
by special reporter Randall Stephens

Johnny Sowders has a bankroll that would choke a donkey, but chooses to live in dumpsters and cardboard boxes.

"Who needs it?" Johnny asks. "Money has caused more wars than anything except Jesus," he said. "I'm happy right where I'm at. All my friends are here and I've got all that I need."

Sowders came into a large sum of money when he was just 14. That money was put in a trust fund in his name and has earned an incredible amount of interest in ten years.

"Oh I could pretty much live anywhere I wanted to," he said. "But if I left and wanted to come back, I would lose my spot in the alley."

"I see what people do in the name of money. They kill, rob, and hurt each other. Most people who are in jails and prisons are there over money. When you go before a judge he punishes you by taking some of your money. Preachers are on TV wanting money. Politicians are all after money. Lawyers all want money. They don't care about their clients. They are an opinion for sale. How can a man spend years defending criminals then want a job putting them in prison? Then when he loses that job, he goes back to defending them. I'll tell you why --- money!"

When asked what he thought of Billionaire David Michael Certs III arrival in Harrodsburg next week, Sowders said he wasn't looking forward to it.

"I've seen how people act when money is going to be given away. Just look at people who throw all that money away on the lottery. I might show up just to see people make a fool of themselves, but that's about it."

HARRODSBURG NEWS EDITOR
BARTLEY MCQUEARY MISSING

November 2, 2000 (Harrodsburg, KY)
By special reporter, Randall Stephens

Bartley McQueary editor of The Harrodsburg News has not been seen by family or friends since October 26. "We are beginning to suspect foul play," said one family member who did not wish to be identified, "He's made so many powerful enemies in this town. I have been afraid for some time that this would happen."

Friends who know McQueary well seem to be sure that he will turn up. "Bart goes on these 'binges' that sometimes last for days," one friend says. "He enjoys going to bullfights on acid, and playing skee ball while too drunk to stand. He always gives his 'points' away to underprievledged children. Anyway, one time last year he disappeared for two weeks. We finally found him in a cheap hotel on I-75 bedded down with an 18-year-old Vietnamese girl. He'd convinced her in just two days that he was Jesus Christ. He'll turn up."

"Bartley if you are reading this we love you and we miss you. Joe, Vicky, Michael, Stephen, Amy, Susie, Tammy, Leslie, JC, Ox, Brian, Jennifer, and Johnny Homeless all miss you and want you to come home," his grandmother said.

McQueary is a white male, 29 years old with short blonde hair, and a well-trimmed goatee. He stands 6'1 and weighs approximately 275 pounds. He usually dresses in t-shirts and sweatpants, but has been known to wear suits on occasion. He frequents Chinese restaurants and electronics stores. If you have any information, please leave a message on (502) 569-1703 or call the Mercer County Sheriff's department.


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Entertainment purposes only. Not to be taken seriously.
Copyright 2000 ^ Bartley McQueary

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