Not A Drop to Drink

Synopsis

A rich rancher wants to get rid of all the small local ranchers and plans on doing it by cutting off their water supply. If that doesn't work he'll just flood them out. Mike and KITT are brought in to protect them and stop the sabotage and keep the water flowing.

Review

Thrawn - The retarded villain bumpkin just trips and practically loses the dynamite - that's so funny! Lame...

JT - The moronic hick henchmen seem to be planting bombs from the Acme corporation. That dynamite setup looked like the same one from Slammin Sammy's.

Thrawn - I really believe these angry bunch of hicks would not hire only a female lawyer, but a black one!? No chance. Snooty ass limey Devon wearing a 10 gallon hat!? Yeah, right. He fits in like an elephant in a movie theater.

JT - Devon's hat is pulled down so low that it's bending his ears out. I guess these simple folks didn't get a choice in what lawyers FLAG brought in.

Thrawn - "What's mom so mad about grandpa?" She's on her period son.

JT - It could be that her pants were strangling her from being so tight.

Thrawn - That was the cheesiest looking timer on a bomb ever. Looks like a 25 cent watch glued to flares.

JT - If the BOTW was so damn worried about sabotage, why didn't she have Devon bring a security company out to guard it for the time being?

Thrawn - It's an explosion by the cattle basin, near the cattle basin, by the cattle basin! In the cattle basin!!!!! How many times could they say cattle basin in one sentence!?

JT - Then the whole hick crew get their posse together and head out, and one of 'em is driving a Subaru Brat truck. What cattle farmer worth his weight in road apples is going to be driving that shitty fake truck?

Thrawn - Australian farmers? Hey, they never said where this crappy mission took place! What's up with the never moving FLAG rig here!? Every shot it is just on the side of the road with the ramp down like it is dead.

JT - Like almost every episode, this one takes place in fairyland where states don't put their names on license plates and villains don't worry about evidence or eye witnesses.

Thrawn - What's up with all the crash netting behind Mike on the rig? No shocks on the thing?

JT - Everything seems to be in small boxes, even with shocks that stuff will fly around under normal driving conditions, not that we ever see it moving. So Bonnie adds a "grplg hook" as the button calls it (also adds a Ski Mode button on the same panel as well as having Rocket Boost and Rocket Fire buttons and more) and somehow it comes out of KITT's brakelight panel on the back of the car and shoots out like a bullet.

Thrawn - "What have you done to the monster now!?" What's up with Mike's stupid ass attempt at Peter Lorre or whatever horror Mike did. Scariest gayest thing ever.

JT - Worst... Igor... Ever!

Thrawn - KITT shoots a "grappling hook" into a barrel (Devon should've had a Mike shaped cutout) Yet there was no hook. It was just a spike.

JT - Perhaps the spike spits out hooks when it hits things and they were inside the barrel. Did Bonnie really go to the trouble of setting up a barrel out there just to show Mike how it worked though?

Thrawn - Would've been funnier if she swiped it from Devon's wine cellar on the rig and pissed the old queen off. Devon says Mike deserves the BOTW because they are both a bunch of hotheaded, obstinate jerks. Shades of the old lovable Devon.

JT - His instructions for Mike are to guard the water supply while simultaneously keeping the hotheaded ranchers from doing something stupid - again, why not hire a security company to do one or the other? The poor lawyer lady seems to have jack squat to do in this episode.

Thrawn - She must be a FLAG lawyer - like Bon Bon and Devon they have nothing to do. VOTW says of the BOTW "She thinks she owns the whole world!" What kind of stupid line was that?! Just because she wants what is rightly hers on her own property! Would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that meddling Mike!

JT - What was up with the sound of a phone call about Mike being brought in over the shot of KITT driving, made it seem like Mike was listening in on the conversation or something. Then we see Mike taking a big ol' nap while KITT does the driving, this time with the seat laying down, I guess he learned his lesson about sleeping with the head on the glass. Then the VOTW has a brilliant plan to stop Mike, crush him and his car with bulldozers - nobody will notice that or find any evidence of how this happened.

Thrawn - Look at Mike sleeping while KITT drove! Later in the series Mike's inferiority complex makes him try to do everything all the time. KITT sounds all drugged up like he is HAL here.

JT - Why didn't Mike simply drive around the bulldozer directly in his path? He's in a sports car and it's a friggin' earth mover. Instead, he goes with the backwards ski mode which is just regular ski mode but with the footage played in reverse - even the smoke from the bulldozers goes INTO them instead of out in this sequence.

Thrawn - The big earth mover showdown was all a dud, they wound up going the same way instead of from both sides. Look at the scotch tape sticker on the new ski mode button too. Two episodes ago he didn't even know what skiing was!? Then what the hell was up with the big reverse ski mode footage!? That was so bizarre.

JT - Mike's explanation of how he knew they were sent by the VOTW was almost as weird: "because earthmovers don't mate this time of year".

Thrawn - That's because he's dreaming of breaking that philly - the BOTW. The kid has the worst freckles I've ever seen.

JT - What was up with the BOTW? She's got a pretty tight body (and even tighter clothes) but kinda an old face. The kid was freaky looking.

Thrawn - It's the hard life of a rancher man, man! Kid looked like he had a map of the cattle basin on his face. BOTW running off the water table footage while Mike was asleep was incredibly boring. She acts like she has an iceberg in her pants.

JT - And then there's the kindly ol' grandpa who wants his daughter-in-law to start getting laid again. Yeesh, these people are half-way to being the rural Addams Family.

Thrawn - Old man says, "It's been hard on her since Billy died." Mike looks like he has a hardon for her!

JT - Later on, the geezer claims she hasn't had that inner light since his son died, perhaps either suggesting she needs to go to the gynocologist more often or the last time she was happy and/or horny was when his son died.

Thrawn - Lots of dopey laughter here after every tired attempt at a joke. Nothing like forced humor to make you puke.

JT - Stupid BOTW claims that releasing her bull into the VOTW's herd will be a good revenge, but won't that lose her 1 bull? Then comes KITT's bullfight, which impressed me in one way - the hidden driver inside the chair actually made the chair look RIGHT for once, the hole at the headrest had a mirror or something and was set in properly. Unfortunately, they fixed the chair and left a normal steering wheel on the dash.

Thrawn - More ill fitting music that doesn't even sound western in any way. Fits as well as a three fingered glove. So out of place it could be from Dastardly and Mutley in their flying machines.

JT - And why does KITT have to do a jump - conveniently starting behind some hay bales (not that they're hiding a RAMP or anything - to stop the bull? That jump was nasty too, the stunt car looked pretty good until the entire nose bent completely under the car for a moment. Then, after the fight, Mike checks his watch like KITT is saying something and even responds with a thumbs-up, but KITT says nothing.

Thrawn - Guidance system ready? Where did that light come from on KITT? KITT as the matador might've been the dumbest thing he's ever done. Opening the door and yelling toro then ole! Ole!!? Was waiting for a red cloak on a stick to pop out from KITT's roof.

JT - And why do we focus on those 2 dash lights instead of anything else?

Thrawn - Least he could've done was imitate a bull's mating call or some such nonsense. Mike looks like Elvis in one of his crappy films coming swaggering in out of nowhere and being totally out of place, "Hey baby, you look like you could use a good kiss."

JT - I love how the kid wants to take another look at KITT, so he walks over and stares at the door for a second. That kid is Pugsley on the farm!

Thrawn - So BOTW now likes Mike because his car corralled a bull!? Mike gives a big lame thumbs up to KITT for what? I don't think KITT was even looking at him then.

JT - BOTW gives Mike a job working as a grunt on the repair team as if he's just some idiot putz who fell off the turnip truck. That's a real good use of the Foundation's resources!

Thrawn - Mike looked like he was trying to use the force to get the bull to stop. The old man said hard on again at the dam when referring to Mike!

JT - Seems like the old guy is trying to get a message across to his daughter-in-law: "if Mike don't stick around, I still got something you can wrangle... in my pants!" So then it's Mike at dinner, zippidy do, and then Mike on guard duty where he tells KITT to keep his scanners peeled, then promptly misses the 3 guys lurking in the bushes until they get way closer.

Thrawn - Old man insinuates BOTW might like Mike. I was waiting for her to tell him she was as dry as the Sahara between her legs. Where did Mike dig out that flannel shirt for dinner all of a sudden? Trying to fit in once again?

JT - The rest of the show, he's wearing these cheesy mono-color disco shirts open at least 4 buttons down. Maybe he borrowed one of the BOTW's shirts while she wasn't looking.

Thrawn - Old man tries once again to get his daughter in law to spread for the Knight Rider! "Stay alert KITT." Mike tells him. Then KITT gives it back to him that he is always alert which was good. Then Mike ruins it by sleepwalking through, "I know…I know...I…know." Now he is as lifeless as a computer.

JT - If KITT's always alert, why turn the scanners on and off in other episodes? And KITT proves he's not alert in this scene when he misses the henchmen hiding nearby. So KITT scares off the bumbling moron henchman and the others scatter when they hear this, Mike then chides KITT that they're running away and doesn't respond to KITT when he says that's what he thought was supposed to happen - he's right, what the hell is Mike's plan and how does he expect to have it follow through if he doesn't tell his partner?

Thrawn - What is the 3D glasses shaped view KITT has, then the dopey beeping noise the surveillance mode makes here!? Followed by the stock howling wolf noises!?

JT - Ah, didn't notice. Strangely, the monitors seem to alternate static and being totally off a lot these days.

Thrawn - More bad Alfred Hitchcock wannabe music at the dam. KITT was so scary with his doors opening and closing routine. Then Mike tells him he didn't want them scared away!? What was that all about!? Mike wanted company? Maybe to start a floating craps game in the woods!?

JT - I guess Mike wanted to question them, but like I said before, he should have friggin' told the car!

Thrawn - Mike tells KITT to act like a pissed off UFO to screw with the bumpkin!? What a man with a plan! That he jumps into the backseat and it looks like he was spanking it back there! The guy is so stupid that he thinks a car is from outer space!? Most bizarre KR dialog I can remember!

JT - How did that guy not notice Mike back there?

Thrawn - You are talking about a guy that thinks aliens would invade earth in trans-ams!? KITT spinning around and around the big back hoe was super exciting. Why not just turbo boost into the damn thing?

JT - Another evil plot that not only didn't make sense, since clearly the ranchers were getting their water from the stream coming out of the dam, but also because a massive back-hoe would leave enough evidence to easily convict the goober. With KITT flying around the back-hoe, I thought Mike was gonna jump out and onto the hoe itself. Instead, out comes the grappling hook to spike a tire that is on a dual-wheeled axle, making it nowhere near as effective as shown.

Thrawn - They aren't worried about evidence. Just want to kill all the other people's cattle. Maybe they plan on selling all the dead cattle to McDoanld's when they are done?

JT - Mike scrambling back to the front seat was hilarious, looked like a reverse clown-car. He almost tore off the T-top while doing it. Villain wants land to compensate for his small testicles.

Thrawn - Mike says "retro rockets" and then pushes a rocket boost button!? Is that what he calls the grappling hook? Spike hits the tire and then Mike goes back into the seat like he was insane with his screaming and laughing.

JT - Hass is still practicing his turbo-face, I guess. Retro-rockets would do the opposite of what Mike wanted, they'd fire out the front of the car to drive it backwards.

Thrawn - Maybe he meant rockets from the 1950s? What's with the stock rattlesnake effects?! Is there a hidden sense of danger...wooooo! Then the dopey villains have to discuss their plan out loud so the BOTW can easily hear them.

JT - Maybe this was all a plan by the villain to get her close enough to sneak up behind him then he could make a move on her. Like all of man's great ventures, it's all about getting the girl to take notice.

Thrawn - Mike had the black shirt on when talking to VOTW then next shot shows him in his flannel duds again!?

JT - And later it's the blue shirt.

Thrawn - Continuity editor should be crucified.

JT - Along with the writer and director.

Thrawn - KITT announces "Mrs. Morgan would you please stay flat against the south wall." How the hell would she know which wall that was while tied up in the dark!? How does he know if she can move? Why not just crash thru slowly instead of destroying the place by smashing thru at a high speed!

JT - KITT tells Mike, grandpa and the kid, who are riding along for no reason at all, that there's 1 person in the pool house and gramps states that this MUST be her. Why couldn't it have been someone changing to take a dip? Stupid reasoning.

Thrawn - They go from the barn, then driving thru the desert, then the fjords of Norway, the dam, then it looks like they are driving near Vegas!? Nothing here looks right. Just a mish mosh of stock footage.

JT - Nothing like the stock footage after the dam gates release - thanks to Mike driving like a little old lady - and the flood it creates is footage from Superman: The Movie.

Thrawn - Lots of Sinbad and the voyage of the seven seas model looking shots of the damn water heading downstream. Then they switched to just plain stealing the footage of the rocks coming down from Superman the Movie - shameless. Just like the writing, acting, editing and everything else here.

JT - And how do the rocks get loosened? By KITT driving slowly up a winding road to beat the water to this point and then firing his "Rocket Fire" button over and over, thus hitting the rocks. We even see a rocket-shaped tube on the undercarriage firing the CO2 to make the effect, doesn't matter that this tube was nowhere to be found before. But how exactly is firing the rocket boosters supposed to knock down rocks 50 feet away, or is KITT now equipped with ballistic weapons?

Thrawn - Maybe the rockets were shot at Warner Brothers so their studios collapsed and Mike could steal the Superman footage without them knowing it. I can't believe they didn't get sued for this fiasco.

JT - I bet the footage was sold to stock footage by a studio exec, that happened to the movie "Airplane!" with the plane crashing through the airport windows.

Thrawn - Where the hell did this "rocket fire" button come from? I've never seen them use that again.

JT - It's on the left-side button panel, from this seasons buttons which are super crappy looking. We rarely see the left panel's buttons for some reason.

Thrawn - Then because is was so funny the first time, it's the return of KITT the matador! Then everyone laughs like happy mongoloids! HAHAHAHAHA!

JT - And the lady lawyer is back doing diddly squat.

Thrawn - This episode felt like it was on for two hours and the music was so awful I was literally screaming out loud in pain hoping to drown it out.

JT - This was one slow, boring episode. But hey, at least the BOTW finally warmed up, that's all the writers seemed to care about, that she's no longer frigid.

Thrawn - Mike didn't even try to put the moves on her though. She didn't even give him a kiss of tanks, a goodbye hug, nothing. Guess it's a good thing Mike whipped up a batch while KITT did his alien routine.

JT - It was so painful to sit through this episode, only to know how shoddy the next one was too. To do this review, I watched 'em back to back... goddamn that hurt.

Thrawn - "One man can make a difference, Michael!" Glad that got rid of that...getting old real fast. And when does Mike ever do anything on his own anyway? Ex-Army Special forces my ass.

JT - I guess the ghost of geezers past finally faded away.

Thrawn - Title should've been "Not a Drop of Originality" or "Not a Drop of Creativity."

JT - At least it wasn't a "Knight" title like later in the series. "The Knight the Cows Smelled Fear"

Thrawn - "Knight be Damned!", "Dam Knight", "Matador KITT", "Frigid Knight", "Supercrap the Series".

JT - I have to say, maybe it was easier to hold audiences in the early '80s because except for Slammin' Sammy's and the upcoming KARR episode, most of these have been pretty shitty TV.

Thrawn - What were we thinking as kids?! Can't believe I joined the KR fan club then!

JT - The show does get better eventually before petering out at the end of season 3, plus it had a cool car that talked.

Thrawn - Yeah, but KITT is like C-3PO on wheels. Talks a lot and is a bit fruity.

JT - I dig 3PO and KITT eventually comes into his own. I'm not sure Mike ever does though. Hell, I stood in line for over an hour to sit in and talk to the KITT at Universal Studios, but I can't imagine ever doing the same for Hass...not that I'd ever sit inside Hass.

Final Rating

Thrawn - 0/10 - watching the water come out of holes in a real dam would be more stimulating.

JT - 0.5/10 - Maybe if you're a little kid or stoned off your ass, KITT's turn as a matador will amuse you. Otherwise, try kicking yourself in the crotch, I'm sure that'd be as entertaining as watching this episode and no commercials.

© 2003 Thrawn & JT for Hasselhoffline!