For Immediate Release - Pentagon Develops New Wife-Powered Weapon - Hate Beam Radiator
Washington DC - The Defense Department announced today deployment of a new weapon designed to harness the power of a wife's hatred of her spouse. The weapon, a joint project of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) and Allied-Signal, consists of a helmet placed on the hating wife's head during thoughts of her husband. The helmet accumulates the simmering, festering hatred, and focuses the awful thoughts into a laser-like beam, which, some researchers predict, can travel the speed of light and hit any target around the world. "Hated husbands all know the awesome power of a hating wife," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, "Now, global terrorists will, too."
Dr. Roger Perpuk, Allied-Signal's top researcher on the project, said that the special properties of a wife's singular hatred - its unrelenting nature, ability to travel quickly, and uncanny ability to find its target and cause physical damage to include high blood pressure, coronary disease, ulcers, premature aging, screaming headaches - make it an ideal weapon. He said he envisions the day when battalions of hating wives don the special helmets and then turn toward Bagdad, Pyongyang, Tehran, or any other place where America's national security is threatened. "There is nothing more stinging than a wife's utter, unconditional hatred of her spouse. It is even beyond loathing. Why let all that energy go to waste? Why should one particular husband be the recipient of a hatred overdose? "
A spokesman for the International Brotherhood of Hated Husbands hailed the project as "the next generation of weapons of mass destruction," adding that project should "fill the hearts of America's enemies with terror." Not since the development of the atomic bomb during World War II has (wo)man been able to harness the power of nature with such deadly consequences, the spokesman said. However, Josh Kornplot of the Center for Peace Studies at the University of California, Berkeley,
warned that development of the wife-powered heat beam weapon would start a deadly arms race. "If we develop this, dude, there will be proliferation throughout the world of deadly wife-powered weapons producing horrors that at this stage can not even be contemplated."
