For Immediate Release - Times Slows Down for Hated Husbands
(Livermore, CA) - The "time cone" surrounding a Hated Husband is slower than the cone surrounding a normal man, Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory researchers have discovered. This characteristic is present only for Hated Husbands, researchers said, even when controlling for age, socio-economic level, and health status.
"Hated Husbands suffer doubly," said Dr. Frank Hurley. "First, they are hated by the wives far beyond the endurance of most men. But secondly, and tragically, time slows down around them, so the Hate simply lingers."
Hurley and his team estimated that time slows down depending on the level of Hatred evinced by the Wife. Using the three-level "Scale of Hatred" developed by the International Brotherhood of Hated Husbands and the cesium clocks of the National Institute of Standards and Technology, the team noted that time slowed down by a factor of 2 for "disliked" husbands, by a factor of 4 by "loathed" husbands, and a factor of 16 by "hated" husbands.
Paradoxically, hated husbands lead shorter lives, because of stress, but their time cone slows down so they actually feel like they are living longer. "A Hated Husband who dies at 50 from a combination of high-blood pressure, heart disease, and chronic pain actually feels like he lived to 800 years old," Hurley said. "And sometimes they look it."
This is Hated Husband Ho Bang Lee, 35, trying to hide from his Hating Wife. Lee's time cone has slowed down. Clocks close to his body indicate that Lee is over 650 years old.
