Katharine McPhee Faces Her Bulimia Nightmare:
Purging Her Feelings Of Self-Doubt and Insecurity
Katharine McPhee: 'I Was Always the Pretty Little Girl Who Was Stupid'
July 28, 2006 — - "American Idol" runner-up Katharine McPhee has acknowledged that she fought a five-year battle with bulimia, a disease that almost destroyed her vocal chords.
At her worst point, McPhee binged and purged as many as seven times a day, she said just a few weeks ago. She said that appearing on "American Idol" saved her life by forcing her to confront her problem.
In an exclusive interview with psychiatrist Keith Ablow, McPhee talked about the reading problems that had sabotaged her self-esteem and had made her turn to food for comfort. The food also helped distract her from emotional problems.
"Low self-esteem was huge for me," McPhee said. "I was always the pretty little girl who was stupid. That was really difficult. I remember every morning driving to school -- my dad would take us to school. And nobody knew, but I was terrified just to be at school. I could not wait until recess. I was terrified the teacher was going to call on me to read out loud."
'Getting Out of Control'
The 22-year-old Los Angeles native said that during adolescence, she started putting on weight and that the disorder began.
"Yeah, so this little girl grows up who thinks that being beautiful is the only thing that is important," she said. "Because as soon as I started putting on weight, what was the most important thing? To look perfect."
McPhee struggled with the eating disorder for years. She said she would make progress but then relapse.
McPhee auditioned for "American Idol" in San Francisco in August 2005. It was then that she says her bulimia "was really getting out of control."
The frequent throwing up that comes with bulimia is hard on the vocal chords, causing raspiness, irritation and even bleeding.
"It's like putting a sledgehammer to your vocal chords," Ablow said today on "Good Morning America."
Finding Her Voice
It was a difficult decision, but McPhee finally sought treatment in an intensive inpatient program for bulimia in October.
"You never want to reveal something that is uncomfortable to reveal," she said.
She had to admit "this is what I've been doing to myself for the past three months, binging and purging and starving myself. Toward the beginning, it was a lot of starving. It had gone on for years. It would be OK for a while, and then it would be not OK."
Entering the program was "scary," McPhee said.
"I remember my first meal. I had all my meals there," she said. "I just, you know, with bulimia I wanted to eat it so fast. I remember some girls did not want to eat it at all. And I wanted to eat it so fast to just get away from the fact that I had to even be there. I was in tears. It was horrible."
The second day, she said, things "clicked" for her, though.
Now, she said, the people she met in the program are some of her best friends.
McPhee has lost 30 pounds as a result of the "intuitive eating" method she learned in treatment.
The idea behind intuitive eating is to allow yourself the foods you want -- denying yourself "bad" foods only leads to cravings for them.
Ablow said that McPhee's courage in going public with both bulimia and her reading problems was "extraordinary," especially as she launched a national singing career.
Recently, McPhee has been the subject of rumors because she has not taken part in the "American Idol" tour.
On "The View" Thursday, McPhee said her absence had nothing to do with bulimia. She was simply overworked and had gotten sick. She is currently under doctor's orders to not talk.
Ablow said that in order to succeed in her recovery, McPhee would need to "confront additional emotional issues she'll probably drag up from childhood," including her relationship with her stern father and her mother, who was a vocal teacher.
For now, though, McPhee has found her voice, and she encourages others struggling with eating disorders to do the same.
"Don't make my situation your own standard, your blueprint," she said. "You know, everybody's different. … At least go get the help and do whatever works for you."
Copyright © 2006 ABC News Internet Ventures
Here are two before-and-after photos of Kat. As you can see, the "before" photo, taken during the first week of the latest American Idol competition, while the "after" picture clearly shows that she has successfully lost thirty pounds at the end of the show. I am hoping that she won't get too thin, but with a history of bulimia, there is always that risk:
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At first, when the fifth installment of American Idol began, I thought that Katharine was somewhat of a show-off; she appeared to think she was something special, which elevated her into an unbridled fever of self-esteem overload. She appeard to think that it was "all about her" and that she was in a much different class of talent, as compared to all of the other contestants. While browsing through a number of celebrity blogs, I read everything from "Kat's singing is "all technique and no soul," and that she was "fat" and "would be really, really hot if she lost fifteen pounds."
Now, I and probably many others are dining on a heaping helping of crow for supporting those false and damaging beliefs about a young woman desperate for success at any costs. I fervently hope that she wasn't reading all of this crap online and thus, potentially suffering a relapse of her bulimia. After all, when Carrie Underwood heard that many viewers were calling her "chubby" she proceeded to lose ten pounds quickly. This young and budding country star appears even thinner in recent blog entries, leading some to believe that Carrie indeed suffers from low self-esteem. Here are two before and after pictures of her:
Coming back to Katharine, it is my belief that she's lost too much weight. I realize that she has said she was now "eating healthy" and even allowing herself once forbidden sugary sweets to avoid depriving herself completely and thus resulting in a binge-war with herself, but I fear that she has gone too far.
When you think about it, Kat McPhee is a textbook bulimic: Driven relentlessly by an enthusiastic stage mother who obviously craves living vicariously through her daughter, Katharine likely spent a good portion of her younger years being primed for a mega-successful singing career. I am almost positive that this put untold pressure on the young woman and likely robbed her of a positive and normal childhood. Always eager to please, she put her own wants and desires on hold to comply with her mother's wishes. Kat, therefore, falls into the same sad quagmire of so many other child stars. Fearful that she might let her mother down and not being very familiar with doing what she really wanted, Katharine embarked on a rigorous and self-destructive spiral into bulimic hell. It would be interesting to hear what Mrs. McPhee thinks about her daughter opening up about her eating disorder, as Dina Lohan is staunchly defending Lindsay in the wake of the young actress's vituperative missive from the CEO at Morgan Springs.
Constant purging is an attempt to gain some control over her life by ridding the body of negative thoughts and feelings that her life is no longer her own. I just hope that Katharine can rise above all of this controversy and I will be watching all of this very closely.