When the Mirror Laughs Back At Us

Fighting the Battle Of Our Lives:

When Recovery Becomes An Option---But A very Shaky One

As I sit here and work feverishly to switch my pro ana brain into a pro recovery one. I won't lie to you: being anorexic and bulimic, my gut instinct is to keep embracing two of the best friends I have ever had. Ana never deserted me when the going got tough----she gave me much-needed unconditional love and caused my mood to be elevated to the heavens with the giddy rapture that only those with eating disorders know. I liked it. I admit that I approach the spectre of regaining a foothold in the so-called "normal and happy" world again. After all, I reason to myself, I am going to continue in my extremely active excercise life, for I staunchly refuse to give up powerwalking, running, spinning and swimming and it is my belief that what Lisa Arndt talks about on her pro-recovery site, "The Anorexic Web." That is the phenomenon of over-exercising actually has a name: Anorexia Athletica. Simply put, exercise sessions can comprise as many hours per day as most people work at their jobs. Back in 1993, my last very serious relapse and one that nearly killed me, I was vigorously pounding my feet into the ground for a whopping six hours per day, seven days per week without a break. I went down to a very emaciated weight of 80 pounds and subsequently landed in the emergency room. Arndt has posted on her site that some of the most difficult to treat are those with anorexia athletical people. i was eating about one thousand calories a day and quicly burned them all off with my manic workouts. But I felt exhilarated as I wasted away, taking comfort in the reality that I was one of the best anorexics out there. It's not easy to let go of that psychological pull toward the anorexic lifestyle and I have struggled for many years, somehow managing to convince myself that I was so much better than those disgusting fat people I have encountered. I knew that I was on the right track, whereas those who embodied everything I despised about being overweight were most assuredly heading down the wrong path.

As you can see, I am still very ambivalent about recovery. It's like saying good-bye to a real and trusted friend, a soul to comfort me as days of loneliness, alienation from the healthy world at large and a negative self-image. Many of us are profoundly lonely and so we often seek out others with similar problems. This can either be a very positive thing, or one that can often be frightening and self-defeating.

I have posted these pictures of Nicole Ritchie and her shadow mate, Lindsay Lohan's "before and "after" photos, in hopes that I will look at them with an objective eye-----for what they genuinely are, as opposed to how the skinny pictures look exceedingly better and more virtuous than the shots of these young women in their heavier days. Why can't I see that they both look so much healthier and happier at heavier weights? Why do I keep on returning to my favourite pro ana message board in order to get a good shock into thinking thin; very, very thin?

As you can see, this is extremely difficult for me. I am sitting here struggling with extreme difficulty, doing everything I can to shun the rail-thin bodies and celebrate the healthy ones? Damn this is just so incredibly hard. It's daunting and it makes me feel as though I am the consummate loser if I choose to look like Nicole and Lindsay at normal weights. They looked just fine, didn't they? Why is it that I continue to be vigorously yanked in the direction of the pro ana and pro mia camp?

I must clearly state that I put this site online as a testament to my constant struggling toward health and happiness. I guess I just don't feel that I deserve to leave the starvation behind, that somehow I have to be a slave and a torturer of my own flesh and blood. I need and want the blood, but not an excess of flesh. I am currently at what is erroneously (to me anyway)a "healthy weight" but I still regard "healthy" as being fat.

So, come along with me as I begin a journey to self-discovery, so as to be a productive member of society. I have had one book published and am currently working on a novel, a fictionalized document on my life thus far. It has taken me nearly ten years to begin writing again in earnest. I know from experience that my brain's ability to think clearly and forumulate sentences is severely diminished when I am in stavation mode. For the past ten years, my life has been consumed with anorexia and bulimia---and the excessive exercise, to the exclusion of much else. So I am making a solid and unflinching step to get my life back. If it means sacrificing what I still believe is a much better weight, then I guess that is what I have to do. So come along with me and try out the feelings and experiences of becoming a recovering anorexic. Yes, just like I do, you may hit stumbling blocks and have to weather periods of severe anxiety and even depression, but hopefully we can all endure and get on with our lives. We don't live forever.

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